o dear, i'm gonna miss sgh so much. the tasty food and tasty doctors.. HAHAHA.

mmm yummy. sorry xuan i can't help it. i'll try to control myself since he's your eye candy. but where is Mr Bad Boy doc?? can't find him anywhere and we're leavin already.

read a fellow medfaccer's blog that she lost her handheld pc containing all of her notes for this clinical course and the tests are just hours away. and so she's all upset and anxious with a capital A. which is really quite terrible of course.

but don't worry hon. the tests doesn't mean a thing, even if your examiner is one nasty monster. don't kill urself just because of this. everything is in the textbook and u will have patients for the next 40 years to come.

some people in our fac just gotta chill. Life's really more about fervent note-taking and clerking every single hernia patient.

which reminds me, for goodness sake don't barge in when the curtains are drawn around the patient's bed! it's obvious that there is an physical examination going on in there, so be considerate to the patient. don't act cute and ask if you can join in. which is out of the question cos there are other patients whom you can talk to and most importantly the patient has rights which u have to be sensitive to. nobody likes to be touched in the groin area for a hernia inspection. least of all for strangers to poke their heads into the midst of it, thinking that they have the right to see.

hrmmph.

u know, i feel really paisei to tell people what i'm studying in university. it's terribly weird when u try to evade the topic but they still get around to askin u and u have no choice but to reply in a half-whisper "medicine", hoping that it won't evoke much of a response. but it doesn't really happen that way, u know what i mean. then u feel like u sound so arrogant. gahhh!

it's not exactly a glam job, tho it sounds so awe-inspiring. if i weren't in the system i'd probably react the same way as them too. now that i am in it, i know what really goes on behind the image of doctors conjured up by society. it's an extremely humbling job, really. u get down and dirty (not meant in a sleazy way of course) in the work, and come in contact with the most vulnerable side of people.

i've had my fair share of near break-downs due to reluctance to "manhandle" patients who are already in such discomfort. it seems almost inhumane to strip them of their dignity further by being the 4th person to perform a per-rectal examination on them. u can just tell that they're trying to be brave for you. and there are also painful moments when elderly patients just cannot control their tears and weep helplessly in front of u.

stripped away of the fancy title, good pay and respect bestowed upon u (of which teachers and nurses should also deserve the same amount!) a doctor is really nothing more than a counselor equipped with clinical skills. and i hope i'll never be reduced to one who speaks less than 3 sentences to my patients and categorize them according to illnesses.

so slap me if i ever dare to lose sight of the real purpose of this job God has so graciously blessed me with.

**

i actually traipsed thru a wet market during a horrendous thunderstorm today in my pretty slippers and miniskirt. what a feat. well done mindy.

my shopping list for bangkok is as long as the neurology chapter in Talley O'Connor! 20 bikinis for me! 10 bags! 30 pairs of earrings! 10 pairs of shoes! MUAHAHA

bangkok-a-doodledoo

haha so here's the deal. i got so excited when auntie ilynn told me bout the cheap packages to bangkok for june/july i quickly persuaded my mom to let me and my sis to go and voila! we've booked tickets for 25th june and comin back on the 28th. the three of us are goin shoppinggg

but silly me, school starts on 27th. right? haha. BUT IT'S OK! I'M GOING TO BANGKOK WHO THE HELL CARES BOUT MISSING FIRST TWO DAYS OF YEAR 3 EH!

yayyyy. even tho i have to miss mango sale, still yayyyy.

p.s. thanks auntie ilynn u're the best in sussing out the greatest deals! u're the official holiday planner now :D

if u've watched the lovely movie Chocolat, u'd know the character Johnny oh-so-devastataing Depp played. or rather, the group of people he belonged to in the show.

the heretics. the outcasts. the univited.

sometimes i wonder if the real reason that i worship the ground Depp walks on is because the roles he chooses to play are almost always of that category (apart from his rogue-ish good looks). how he deliberately alienates himself from the cookie-cutter superficialities of Hollywood and sets himself apart in France with muted elegance.

perhaps my inclination towards the Anti-establishment spirit stems from a whole lorryload of personal experiences and simply an innate desire to wage war against the mainstream.

but i find myself caught in the middle of the two extremes most of the time - the role that i play in real life is never really entirely the free spirit i long to be. the people i have to associate with are mostly straightlaced folks who believe that skipping a day of school is cardinal sin.

and thus, the inability to be fully the wholesome girl-next-door or the rebel-without-a-cause has led me into unacceptance from either side. which is frustrating, of course.

Circumstances force me to smile through gritted teeth and behave cordially, like some stiff upper-lipped dame who secretly wants to twist off the neck of every other equally stiff upper-lipped hypocrite - who probably harbours the same secret wish as me.

quite pathetic, isn't it. you feel this way, but have to act another way. so that harmony will prevail, and to save yourself from being completely abandoned by the system.

**

i don't know how Depp does it exactly. how he plays his game and have the world clamouring after his elusive charm, despite him not giving a damn about the whole Fame thing. to me, living Life the way he does is probably the one thing that i long to achieve. that is, really not giving a bloody damn.

which is perhaps why he is so sought after in the first place - everyone loves a pai kia, but nobody really dares to become one. hence, you imagine yourself to be like that, whilst exploring the possibilities of such within the fictitious characters played on and off-screen by insert-favorite-rebellious-actor-of-choice.

**

wee displays of rebellion are usually pure idiocy, tis true. but playing by the rules all the time and being bound by an unknown fear/guilt is surely even more ridiculous.

go on. throw caution to the wind. for once.

if not for sparkling grape juice, german sausages, senseless horror/thriller flicks, the hilarious 7pm hongkong drama serial and my new purple earrings (thanks hong mei mei), i'd have run away from school by now.

Life is all about distracting yourself from the mundane matters and find little amusements whenever possible. but thank God for both.

hanging onto His word on strings right now. but since it's God, i'm sure they're very strong strings and will not let go of me ; even though my faith is that of a mustard seed.

**
paris hilton sure cannot act to save her ass.

these days the only word in my vocabulary is "sian". it's perpetually hanging recklessly on me lips and rolling off my gymnast-of-a-tongue (ask me why). hows hospital? ok lor sian. hows the food there? ok lor sian. hows studying? ok lor sian GO AND DIE LA DON ASK ME WHETHER I GOT STUDY OR NOT.

and as usual i was just being a lazy whiner and telling inky bout how sian i am. then she told me to perk up, continue reading the bible and just love.

yes. reading the bible. the answer to everything, all the anxieties bugging me since i can't remember when. yet as a christian, it ain't the first thing that comes to my mind whenever i worry, fret or cry. and so God sent me a gentle reminder through a wonderful friend who isn't even a christian (yet supports me in my faith - adore her for that)

blurted out to her that i haven't read the bible for some time already, and it's probably because i'm running away from God. that i'm afraid to face Him as i know He will reveal a part of me that i am not prepared to face up to. a strange moment of bare honesty stemming from my deepest guilt. something which i didn't even realise myself and most definitely wasn't prepared to share, even with my cell leader.

i'm running away. from the God who saw me thru the seasons, sent His Son to die for my sins, and set me free from all my hurts and pain from the past present till forever. and yet i run away from His sight, and even block out voices telling me to pray. running away even as i am attending services faithfully every week, weeping during worship when His love for me breaks my heart, and contacting my girls persistently to meet up with them. living my life as though i never knew Him. living a lie.

funny how people take their loved ones for granted. much less to say God, whom we cannot see. even though my heart longs to turn back to Him, i lack the courage to do so. the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

thankfully, God reminds me (again thru inky) that He will comfort me. and i will take His word for it.

when u're 21 years old, on ur way to full-fledged maturity as an adult, and free from the repressing days of school uniforms and CCAs, u'd think that your peers, like you, would have already developed some sort of sense and have grown out of the Clique-phase already. afterall, we're not so different from each other and what is the point of socializing with only a certain breed of humans anyway.

but sadly, people being people, are still fond of grouping themselves into selective bunches. the chosen elite (as how they deem themselves to be - above all other creation) will be bestowed with due attention and privileges, whilst the ostracized minions are doomed to oblivion and endless snide remarks for the rest of their pathetic existence.

Strength comes in numbers. and so does Narrow-minded childishness.

am home relatively early today. partly cos of my annoying menstrual blues and an inexplicable desire to just hide from the world, seek precious solitude and cower in the comforting haven called Home. real glad that sis is back early too, so we went to have macs lunch together. haven been out with her for pretty long now.

**

i like being in the wards. but i also feel especially inadequate and incapable, often being reduced to a blubbering idiot when asked to perform a cardiovascular examination, for example. or feel my cheeks flushing with embarrassment when the prof asks me a simple question, and Ignorance is written all over me forehead. or when i can't remember the usage for every single drug listed in the patients' case notes, despite having memorised them just a few months ago (while everyone else knows).

guess most of us would go thru such a phase now and then. but somehow even the thought of that doesn't comfort me the least bit. in the end i'm still flustered, blur and panicky, having to face the music on my own. and although i don't show it visibly, i'm beginning to berate myself for not taking enough initiative to present a case or volunteer to do an examination.

losing my confidence faster than jack neo losing his hair. and my skin is getting thinner than ever. Vulnerability getting the best of me.

**

besides, witnessing the sheer number of cancer patients wasting away in the wards has taken a slight toll on me, at least for now. i need to pray

for some reason unknown to Mankind, the ability to converse in hokkien, cantonese and melayu wasn't listed in the contract i had to sign before entering Med school. how could they deceive us like that, when such linguistic abilites are crucial to survival in a hospital packed with ah peks and ah mas who cannot jiang hua yu.

you'd think that a high-class ah lian like me would be able to at least, speak simple hokkien but alas, i'm only proficient in the expletives (only use them on digusting lao tikos nowadays la but another story for another time).

utterly paralysed i tell you, to see an old ah ma flailing her arms in exasperation as she attempts to simplify her already simplified hokkien for us and to comprehend our weirdly-accented hokkien. and now i've engaged my mother to teach me a new hokkien phrase everyday, so hopefully i'll be able to move on to Higher Hokkien and start on basic cantonese.

wah lao eh. jin kang koh man.