i'm back!!

anyway, that was onli 1 collage of the tonnes of pretty photos we took with auntie ilynn's pretty cam in bangkok (the rest are not for your eyes) we were total photo whores but it's ok. we were better shopping whores. blew all my money i brought over and had to starve meself from dinner on the last day. ok i didn't have much appetite but the point is i was totally BROKE

Bangkok was a great success (greater than the last year's and last last year's). but i'm itching for action in school already and i so need to get into the swing of things.

then again dragging my arse to ttsh today was literally, a drag. and i went there at noon summore. dunno how in the world i'm gonna have to reach at 730 every morning. and ttsh seems so different and cold, very unlike sgh.

o well it can only mean i'll need more energy, both physically and spiritually! so off i am to do devotion. goodnight. and hopefully u won't see me for the next week or so cos i hope i will be busy doing constructive activities aka STUDYING.

our favorite things 

lovely night.

had a great day, hanging out with shan and lingzhi in the afternoon just talking and eating tonnes of peas at genki sushi. and at yik's party, where the food was yummy and the people, beautiful.

HAHA.

although i seemed withdrawn and tired, but really, i was enjoying myself. for the first time, i'm not such a hermit around my fac people. twas nice.

i keep thinking of what i've forgotten to bring in my luggage but just can't figure it out. never mind, will just buy them when i get there.

toodles poodles! i'm off to bangkok. see ya in a bit

indian summer skirt 

i've been really bored this week, the last week of my hols.

everyday i wake up, go for my run, go for my swim, eat, rot at home, sleep. the only good thing that came out of this immensely boring routine was the fact that i got to spend quality time with my momma. shopping, hanging out, eating. i love my momma. and i love the things she bought for me. heh heh.

one of which is a bee-yoo-ti-fool boho long skirt which positively shouts "Indian Summer" all over it. lovely. cheap too, cos it's from This Fashion. the downside is i have no accessories to go with it. and by the time i find these accessories the bohemian fad would have passed me by already. (see pic above)

o bother

**

on a sidenote, i think i've contracted Tanorexia in the 1st degree.

definition of Tanorexia (according to some newage health website) : "an obsessive compulsive mental disorder of which the patient is preoccupied with achieving the perfect tan all year round, dieting and excessive exercise..."

excessive exercise? not really. i'm working out so much these days only because i have nothing else better to do.

dieting? i will NEVER give up eating, albeit i've cut down my portions over the past few years. i'm a very healthy eater. very finicky. and i get really pissed when my dear ones eat crap. i bite their heads off and show them my blackest face. doesn't really work in encouraging them to stop chowing on junk tho.

well ok i admit, i'm sorta into tanning now. i like being tanned. received lotsa compliments about my nice tan (including those who declare that my tan is so perfect it must be a fake). but i now realise that those who genuinely care about me are the ones who chide me in a very spoilsport-kinda way whenever i barbecue myself under the flamin noon sun.

these prized people (only a handful), they love me for who i am. they love ME. and so whether or not i look better with a tan, they completely disregard that and are concerned about the detrimental health effects and warped mindsets i have instead.

it is so easy to be swayed blindly by comments from the ones around you, and lose your true identity in the process. they tell you what you look best in, how you should wear your hair, the way you should behave - and you believe them. you then go all out to be the person they want you to be. but in the end, people just fancy a posse of "cool" goodlookers for them to be seen with.

not that i blame them of course, who wouldn't want to have beautiful people as acquaintances (note : not friends)? especially in this day and age when the pursuit of beauty has become such a maddening frenzy, it is no crime to look good as it does gets you places and more opportunities.

but that is also why it is even more important to stay grounded in a crazy world such as this. and keeping a close bunch of prized people who see the real person in you is absolutely essential. i know that even if i go to town in dowdy shorts and slippers with my prized people, they'd never comment about how shoddy i look. and it would not even be an issue in the first place.

**

suddenly realise that if i run too much, my boobies will disappear and i can't have that happening! flat chest and flat abs = boy's figure. which is terrible. and tanning will cause me to look leathery and wrinkly by age 30. i dread morphing into a shrivelled chaotar prune.

no more pointless obsessions about my image. i am perfect, and amen to that.

the great divide

i've no idea why i'm blogging so much these days. but am not one to analyse such stuff anymore. so there

twas a day well spent. daily workout in the morning, then some neighbourhood shopping at toa payoh central with auntie ilynn (we're trying to save money). had dimsum too. yum yum

bought 3 cds at cash converters. actually shld be convertors right, but no matter neighbourhood engrish no need to be so powderful. anyway, was a steal at a total price of 15 bucks. here's what i bought :

first band on the moon - the cardigans
jesus freak - dctalk
savage garden's 1st album (afterwhich they were making all trash music)

am very happy with my purchases. the next few days are to be spent working out to up my stamina for the marathon 4-day shopping/pigging out in bkk. qiaoyun tells me that it is not a good idea to skip 1st two days of the new school term. that bothered me quite abit. but what can i do? come back earlier? bullshit. will just enjoy myself and worry later. if the tutor singles me out because of this then he's cuckoo-lala-pok. like, whatever darling.

pssstt... i have a new crush. and i can't stop thinking bout him. hee hee

and i'm not telling who. those of you who knows, better shut up ar i tell you. (poor auntie ilynn, you'll have to bear with my hua chi antics for the next few months or so)

mmm. i guess this photo post would be a tad weird without some words, so here it is.

by the way, the group photos are of me, my sis and girls from our network. we were practising some dance we had to perform in church camp. i never knew i have two left feet. can't remember dance steps for nuts.

church camp was a great blessing, even just to be there and get to know my sisters in christ better. God is amazing. amazingly patient with a stubborn child like me.

at the camp, i suddenly felt very old. being surrounded by 40+ girlies who are mostly younger than me ( like, 7 years younger. scary) is.. sian. they bounce around and talk so much while i just sit there, motionless and expressionless.

people of my age are getting together, getting married, getting hdb flats. for the first time in about 2 years since my last relationship, i'm actually itching to settle down for good. a miracle, if u ask me, since my heart's so capricious. for some strange reason, i'm not averse to such notions anymore. neither am i eager to prove that i am independent woman.

well, i'm perfectly fine with singlehood. but there's just this longing, i guess. to be taken care of. o well. this kind of thing, you know, must trust God for it.

in any case i'm really excited bout the upcoming bangkok trip with auntie ilynn. i have a feeling we're gonna have a rockin good time together, doing what we do best - SHOPPING. shop shop shop till we drop. no time for toilet breaks, no time for meals. sounds marvellous if you ask me.

downloaded a couple of songs that bring back floods of memories in secondary school :

The Freshman - verve pipe
Mmm mmm mmm - crash test dummies
If You could Read my Mind - some female singer, dance version
Runaway Train - soul asylum
Virtual Insanity - jamiroquai
Bed of Roses - bon jovi

there should be many more. i remember auntie mandy painstakingly writing down the lyrics of lovely songs in her muji metal organizer with her muji pencil. i thank her introducing these songs to me, if not i'd still be singing to su huilun.

i miss those days.

till the very end.

for the first time, i'm trying to like myself more.

to see myself like how God sees me. to fully trust that i am wonderfully and fearfully made in His image. to put away haunting memories of all the mistakes i've made, the people whom i've hurt, the shame i've been enduring.

and at the end of a month of soul-wrestling with my Saviour, the light has dawned upon me. Revelation for the now has come.

this will probably go on for the rest of my life - falling, struggling, rising.

but what's a Life without all of these? i relish in such rawness of emotions. the reality of internal agony only makes my faith more real than ever.

tho my world may fall, i'll never let You go.

and heaven forbid, that my passion for a guy will surpass that for Jesus. He is enough for me.

a long post. but in all honesty.

these days, i'm only hoping for a genuine listening ear.

those who matter most to me, don't really hear what i'm saying. they ignore my nuances, my silences, my hidden-between-the-lines anxieties. hopefully, it's all done unwittingly. but nevertheless i feel short-changed and hurt, and the seemingly close ties that were forged before suddenly evaporate into an elusive trace, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth that is hard to swallow.

those whom i never thought were that important and dear, turned out to be truly sincere and empathetic. they pay attention to what i am saying, never attempt to change the topic or divert the attention on themselves. every question is meant to encourage me to pour out my true feelings for their understanding. every reply is carefully thought-out and intended to guide me into a solution to my dilemmas.

as i am saying this, i reflect on my ability or rather, disability, to listen to what people around me have to say. and most importantly, what they fail to say, for the unspoken is the crux of the matter.

i am only human, and so are the rest of us. noone's to blame, perhaps, for our hard of hearing. but for our hardened and self-centred hearts? i wonder.

**

a favorite childhood story of mine by enid blyton tells of a little girl called Queenie, who had a heart made of stone. she never did any good, never helped anyone, never bothered to think for others. one day, her worried mother brought her to an old witch living in the woods for a remedy. the witch took out Queenie's heart and was shocked to see the condition it was in - cold, stony, hard. she told Queenie's mother that the only way to cure a heart of stone is to melt it the painful way, and that is to deliberately do what is right.

and so Queenie began her journey of healing, each step fraught with a sharp pain that pierced thru her chest as she did one good deed at a time. and at the end of it all, after all the excruciating pain, her stony heart finally melted into a red, pulsating warm one.

**

Evil is not taking form in the way it used to be written in fairytales and such. there is no carnivorous troll under the bridge, no scheming villians, no bad-tempered witches. no, noone is afraid of those now.

It has morphed into something more insidious and terrifying - Apathy. the sheer indifference to what should really matter in Life; and yet it is not blatant nor obvious. you can no longer tell who truly cares. heck, you can't even tell if you yourself really care about anything or anyone anymore.

hence, nobody can be trusted fully, and the fear of revealing too much grips us. so in the end, noone is saying what truly matters.

there are way too many distractions, unimportant matters buzzing around our heads and filling up our every waking moment. from our mouths spew out meaningless words that speak of the extreme boredom and loneliness in our secret lives - the vulnerable side that we hate to reveal, even to ourselves.

we chase after personal glories that lead to a dead-end and add not one ounce to our destinies. and it's all for show, with the world as our audience. Fame for 15 secs, and the spotlight quickly shifts to another short-lived star of the moment. there goes the attention you craved so badly for, robbed by the everchanging fancies of the Short-Attention-Span syndrome of your audience, who never really gave a hoot in the first place.

Apathy will kill us all in the end.

"How come noone told me
All throughout history
The loneliest people
Were the ones who always spoke the truth
The ones who made a difference
By withstanding the indifference
I guess it's up to me now
Should I take that risk or just smile?"

-Misread, Kings of Convenience

**

but i refuse to harden my heart so that people cannot break it with their disappointing ways. people always disappoint anyway, i am sure i do the same too. besides, living Life with a heart of stone sounds like a bad idea. much too heavy, much too cumbersome.

and since His still small voice will give me no rest unless i take the first step of faith to melt my stony heart - here goes, to Freedom.

the annual sentosa day with auntie ilynn. :)



if you don't know by now, i go to sentosa once a year with auntie ilynn. and the whole purpose is to take lots of photos of ourselves in the same poses year after year. the verdict is that we have not diminished in our radiant youth and flamin good looks.

HAHA wat rubbish.

anyway the holidays have been passin real slow. i've sang the ktv, walked the mustafa, ran my daily jogs, and shopped the stupid malls. and i'm still here blogging about how bored i am.

anyway

the thought of the day is, what if i was born rich and spoilt? would i still be as grounded as i am now, or would i become just like a pseudo paris hilton (like some of the girls in my fac?)

altho being rich and popular gets u further in life, i choose to trust God for my future instead of wishing that my father would turn into a casino tycoon overnight/praying to strike Toto every week/taking part in stupid reality shows like Survivor to win a million bucks etc etc. besides, at the end of the day, one will still die and rot in yio chu kang cemetery, whether or not one was wearing Gucci or Red Lantern brand singlet. because what people will remember a dead person for is his/her character and not how many balenciaga bags he/she owned.

besides, one will never be rich enough. money where got enough one you tell me

and so if i ever become a wealthy parent, i will control my desires to spoil my kids to death so as to avoid rearing a brood of vacuous rich twits who will pollute society and destroy my country's future.

**

wenshan says that my blog is not as entertaining anymore. i think she's very kind. the truth is, i'm appalled at what i blog about these days.

but aiyah, what you see is what you get. i'm living in Sing-kah-poh what do you expect. it is boring here hence i am boring. i will try harder next time okay BAH.

auntie ilynn says that she saw some girl's blog and she spelled school as SCOO. omg. how funny is that. scoo scoo scoo i'm going to scoo i hate scoo

Intended Schedule for Bangkok '05

Saturday 25/6
8pm : arrive at BKK ariport
930 pm : reach hotel. go Big C to shop. (maybe a movie?)

Supper most definitely. and Dairy Queen

Sunday 26/6
8 am : rise and shine
9 am : breakfast
10 am : CHATUCHAK!

3 pm : reach hotel (with loads of shopping bags)
430 pm : World Trade Centre
8 pm : Suan Lum nite market

Monday 27/6
8 - 9 : rise shine brekkie
10 am : Wholesale Centre (what's it called.. Pratunam?)
12 pm : MBK!
2 pm : SIAM SQUARE! (can eat A&W yayy)

530 pm : reach hotel. steamboat dinner (i want Coca). swimming
8 pm : Khaosan nite market

Tuesday 28/6
Free and Easy - meaning going to siam square, world trade and big C again to buy what i forgot to buy

11 pm : arrive at changi airport.

Wednesday 29/6
Tan Tock Seng hospital early in the morn, with a tired smile on my face.

**

CAN'T WAIT FOR BANGKOK!

Cayman Islands

Through the alleyways to cool off in the shadows
then into the street following the water
there's a bearded man paddling in his canoe
looks as if he has come all the way from the cayman islands

these canals, it seems, they all go in circles
places look the same, and we're the only difference
the wind is in your hair, it's covering my view
I'm holding on to you, on a bike we've hired until tomorrow

if only they could see, if only they had been here
they would understand, how someone could have chosen
to go the length I've gone, to spend just one day riding
holding on to you, I never thought it would be this clear

am in such a fckin bad mood right now i want to scream at the world to LEAVE ME ALONE DAMMIT!

like how my sis put it, i could very well survive in my own little world if everyone would allow me to. yes, if only they allowed me to. i hate checking my hp for messages i hate picking up calls i hate making calls i hate liasing i hate doing admin work i hate askin people to go for this and that and blah i hate fckin hypocrites i hate people who try too damn hard i hate stressing out over all the things i need to get done

but a few choice things keep me happy and sane at times when i'm not left all alone to face the music. to keep myself preoccupied. like below:

my shopping list for bangkok '05

1. swimwear
2. basket bags..bags bags bags
3. lingerie (note for mama, hong mei mei and pennylane)
4. accessories (note a white belt for hong mei mei)
5. makeup, skincare products - dirt cheap over there
6. cds, dvds
7. footwear - wedges, heels, thongs
8. SKIRTS!!! (if only they have my size. i shld live in australia damnation)
9. gifts for prized people back here

i will add to this list if i can remember. if you know of anything else i shld buy pls sms me to remind. the fckin hormonal moodswings may just cause temporary amnesia and i end up buying only redbull t-shirts back or smth.

anyway

i shall grit my teeth and bear with all the shit i have to do for the next 3 weeks, quickly pack my bags and scoot off to bangkok with auntie ilynn, and come back with a vengeance for medicine posting at tan tock seng. lookin forward to that actually. if there's one thing i'm addicted to right now is talking to patients.

how weird, considering that i'm quite socially inept and have a tendency to shun away from strangers. but never mind, am turning into a new stalk probably. besides, patients are the least harmless people around. healthy folks cannot be trusted most of the time. like school people and politicians.

those stupid kids bouncing around in the swimming pool at this unearthly hour are going to get it from me gonna call the security guard house! fckin hell shut the fck up! noisy stupid teenageers probably peeing in my pool wtf

Kings of Convenience is a mighty fine band.

My sister can't come for bangkok in the end.

Inertia has sunk in in a nauseating way.

nothing good has been happening lately.