i am stopping this blog until i know what i'm doing and when my life is finally sorted out conclusively, for as long as it takes me.

so for what it's worth, thank you for reading.

building a mystery

i never understood the concept of full grace, the very essence of my beliefs in Christianity. for me, i grew up being convicted that nothing in this world comes without a price, and noone should owe anybody else anything at all.

so even when Jesus came into my life and told me that everything that i've done wrongly, in the past present and future, is to be wiped clean by His death on the cross, i never given that statement a deeper thought, and it confounded me cos i never asked Him to suffer like that for me.

but it was freedom, of course, to be set free from all the past struggles that i couldn't get myself out of, simply because He renewed my mind and presented to me new possiblities of total redemption.

but at the same time, i found it immensely difficult to grasp the idea of receiving His love freely, and dispensing it to other people in the same manner. if i offer a friend pringles chips, i'd be darned pissed if she proceeded to grab a whole stack and chomp greedily like she deserved it. similarly, i'd never think of taking advantage of someone else if i could afford to. rides home from friends, little gifts and notions of appreciation of me for being me, it's a bitter pill to swallow. i'd rather do everything on my own, not having to depend on anybody else, cos it'd mean that i'm less than capable of taking care of myself and incapacitated to a certain degree.

besides, who am i to deserve the kindness? what did i do in return? nothing.

**

but the funny thing is that i ended up fleecing my family of their selfless love for me, unknowingly. every single thing that they did, i took it for granted. and when they went into random mood swings once in a while, it always came as a shocker when they point their fingers at me and say that i'm the most self-centred person in the world.

"we're your family, for heavens sakes! family do things for other, geddit? i don't care if you don't do it for your friends as well, cos we're your FAMILY!"

the worst thing is, i don't think i've done anything wrong at all. to speak the truth, i've always hated the way i'm still so dependent on them for everything. perhaps it's cos i'm too slow to react and take initiative (or just can't be bothered), therefore they end up finishing what i've left behind or not begun on.

i still can't comprehend why they're so mad. is it because i've never done anything in return to repay them? or i've been blatantly selfish in my ways?

most possibly, i'm stuck in a blind spot and i can't see myself as how they see me. i don't think i'm always thinking for myself, cos the fact is that i don't think i think very much at all. i'm just oblivious to the many things happening around me. when my mom says that she's a failure as a parent, i feel pretty much stranded. i don't know what to do, in all honesty. try to help out more at home cos actions speak louder than words? perhaps that's it, right. Love has to be shown thru stuff you do for each other, and not asking for anything in return.

then why am i still selfish if that's the case? i fully well know that being a parent is the shittiest job in the entire world. but isn't a parent supposed to be fully prepared for the shit that is to come? that is, children living off you for at least 30 years, extracting every bit of emotional and physical strength from your being and you're reduced to nothing but a person who is practically living for the well-being of someone else. all because that someone else came from ur womb, and you have this innate obligation to fulfill the role of a Provider.

i guess i'm just too hinged upon my principles, of which i apply in the same measure to everyone in my life. exceeding my own boundaries in terms of caring takes so much of an effort and pain from my part. my pride is my greatest failing.

**

so in the end, i'm still clueless about the idea of Grace - giving freely because of Love. perhaps there is no human being who can execute that kind of love because thoughts like "why the hell am i doing so much for someone who doesn't even appreciate me" come in every now and then, inevitably.

i profess to be extremely handicapped in the art of Giving, as the epiphany hasn't struck me yet. i do hope to be convicted and act like how Jesus does - giving up His life for people who don't even appreciate what He's doing for them. as much as i like to receive and feel really squirmish about it sometimes, i hope to be on the other end, without feeling that it'd kill me to do it.

but for now, i can't. my capacity is pea-sized and i still feel that i hate to owe anyone my living, even my parents. so for all the blessings that i have now, they feel exceedingly transient. my greatest wish is to be self-sufficient so that i can be set free from the shackles of having to Love in return.

all these might sound incredibly ridiculous to many of you, but it is a inner struggle that i haven't managed to be set free from. only Time will tell, i guess. maybe when i become a parent myself, which is not likely to happen because i know what will be in store for me (HELL) and i don't think i'm cut out for it at all, since Altruism is too much of a mystery to me.

all medical students please spot the line of fracture. (ignore the dust stain tho) 

can i glue it back with superglue 

dong dong ciang

well, that's that. an avulsion fracture of the left 5th metatarsal bone. just thought my readers deserve to know the last instalment of this trilogy saga and hope it's a credible ending.

can't wear my pretty heels for cny afterall. and for the life of me, unfamiliar terrain like the Outdoors will never be attempted again. i shall stick to safe grounds for traipsing adventures (e.g. bangkok street markets)

ah, me poor foot.

**

i love potong ice cream. the kind of comes on a stick and with bits of ice stuck all over it that stings ur tongue when u lick it. red bean is me fave. and i've concluded that between the 2 brands sold in the nearest mama shops within my neighbourhood, the one opposite my block wins hands down, simply for its larger potong size (both are 50 cents each), generous amounts of red beans and nearer walking distance from my house (an important factor since i'm pai kah now)

off to chomp on mamee. have a great cny one and all

incoherence without a care

i am so insanely tired right now i can't even lift my finger to change channels on my remote control.

**

what am i chasing after. why am i doing all these for. who is going to be responsible for my choices. where will i be if i decide to take charge of my own life.

rhetorical questions, really. they all point to the ageold, eternal, never-to-be-answered dilemma of Life itself : wat is the bloody point.

**

i wish they'd give me more of a chance to decide for myself. hate the impending sense of doom when the tests roll around the corner (which i don't give a flying fish about cos they don't mean anything at all to me), and i'm stranded with tonnes of mysterious stuff to pore thru, and even more new ones to come the very next day. it's like, my fate is sealed by strangers who are so inconsequential before i could even do anything about it.

or maybe, i could do something bout it. like, run away to join a circus. quit all these nonsense and be a dolphin trainer. spend more time with myself and just dream of big and preposterous dreams.

sounds like excuses, i know. but who wouldn't like to have a real passion, just for once and for real. something that i could do over and over again and i wouldn't get sick of it. then perhaps then i'd never ever lament about my so-called pathetic entrapment in a meaningless existence, and be oh-so-guilty about it cos i'm supposed to be secure in my destiny in God and know He has planned out my future for me already.

but i don't trust myself not to complain. cos the grass is always greener on the other side, or so they say. too much to lose, i suppose. (supposed, indeed)

**

i do believe in His promise of "a hope and future", just that i can't accept it now being shoved into my face, no explanations given.

i am sick of having to be responsible to non-believers by wat i say and do. negative things that aren't exactly Christ-like. and ignorami who think that christians are not supposed to have any struggles like every other miserable human being on this earth, and should constantly be under public scrutiny regarding their attitude and all.

**

i know happiness is an elusive concept. and true joy is really found within.

but everyone's got their individual portion of optimism, and mine stops right here.

tears for fears

seems like my physical state is taking a serious beating these days. other than my ba zhang of an ankle/foot, i've been having the runs. i've never been so happy to see a toiletbowl. much love to the chap who invented the modern lavatory.

**

anyway, i've been really lazy in school, to the point that i'm actually *horrors* GUILTY. yes u heard me right. the Queen of the Missing Conscience. the one who couldn't give a damn even if the Dean himself called me on my handphone and beckoned me to a tongue lashing in his office. watever.

i mean, wat can they do to me anyway. choke slam me? cut off all my fingers until i beg for mercy? silly. afterall, am i not the one who endured a record-breaking 6 hour lecture peppered with threats of expulsion by my discipline mistress in sec 4? (another story for another time)

but that's not the point. i'm upset cos i think i've let myself down. planned to go for every lesson and do some serious catching up in year 2 (since i struggled so much in year 1), however i ended up skipping pretty much all the tutorials and practicals and pbl sessions (my pbl tutor even asked me to go just for once so that she could give me a grade). wat's wrong with me?! now i'm so unprepared for the upcoming CA cos i know nothing about histology and pots descriptions. MANIC PANIC ATTACK. i'm an idiot really.

but there's just something about school that makes me wanna retch my bile juices out. the longer i stay in it, the more restless and nauseous i get. i fidget and squirm and whine until the bell rings and i'd shoot straight out and bound home. to hell with afternoon lessons, i need my solitude! and nap!

especially so in university, when there's nothing exciting or fun in the time-table to look forward to. all i do is sit sit sit in the stupid seat listening to a boring lecture until my legs grow numb and my brain turns into mush and i fear of developing Deep Vein Thrombosis cos of the cramped space i'm stuck in.

besides, you can never imagine the immense peace that befalls upon my entire being when i walk out of the freezing lecture theatre, away from the theatrics of the Life, and into the bright sunshine of midday. the enjoyable ride home on the empty bus.

nice.

so i'm in a fix really. wat should i do? i hate it when Logic gets the better of my Whims. why can't i be the type of normal, good student who has never skipped a single lesson in her life, and would never even dream of doing so, for fear of some invisible black mark on her record (wat record?!)? why must i be a rebel without a cause?

aiya, i don't know la.