building a mystery
i never understood the concept of full grace, the very essence of my beliefs in Christianity. for me, i grew up being convicted that nothing in this world comes without a price, and noone should owe anybody else anything at all.
so even when Jesus came into my life and told me that everything that i've done wrongly, in the past present and future, is to be wiped clean by His death on the cross, i never given that statement a deeper thought, and it confounded me cos i never asked Him to suffer like that for me.
but it was freedom, of course, to be set free from all the past struggles that i couldn't get myself out of, simply because He renewed my mind and presented to me new possiblities of total redemption.
but at the same time, i found it immensely difficult to grasp the idea of receiving His love freely, and dispensing it to other people in the same manner. if i offer a friend pringles chips, i'd be darned pissed if she proceeded to grab a whole stack and chomp greedily like she deserved it. similarly, i'd never think of taking advantage of someone else if i could afford to. rides home from friends, little gifts and notions of appreciation of me for being me, it's a bitter pill to swallow. i'd rather do everything on my own, not having to depend on anybody else, cos it'd mean that i'm less than capable of taking care of myself and incapacitated to a certain degree.
besides, who am i to deserve the kindness? what did i do in return? nothing.
**
but the funny thing is that i ended up fleecing my family of their selfless love for me, unknowingly. every single thing that they did, i took it for granted. and when they went into random mood swings once in a while, it always came as a shocker when they point their fingers at me and say that i'm the most self-centred person in the world.
"we're your family, for heavens sakes! family do things for other, geddit? i don't care if you don't do it for your friends as well, cos we're your FAMILY!"
the worst thing is, i don't think i've done anything wrong at all. to speak the truth, i've always hated the way i'm still so dependent on them for everything. perhaps it's cos i'm too slow to react and take initiative (or just can't be bothered), therefore they end up finishing what i've left behind or not begun on.
i still can't comprehend why they're so mad. is it because i've never done anything in return to repay them? or i've been blatantly selfish in my ways?
most possibly, i'm stuck in a blind spot and i can't see myself as how they see me. i don't think i'm always thinking for myself, cos the fact is that i don't think i think very much at all. i'm just oblivious to the many things happening around me. when my mom says that she's a failure as a parent, i feel pretty much stranded. i don't know what to do, in all honesty. try to help out more at home cos actions speak louder than words? perhaps that's it, right. Love has to be shown thru stuff you do for each other, and not asking for anything in return.
then why am i still selfish if that's the case? i fully well know that being a parent is the shittiest job in the entire world. but isn't a parent supposed to be fully prepared for the shit that is to come? that is, children living off you for at least 30 years, extracting every bit of emotional and physical strength from your being and you're reduced to nothing but a person who is practically living for the well-being of someone else. all because that someone else came from ur womb, and you have this innate obligation to fulfill the role of a Provider.
i guess i'm just too hinged upon my principles, of which i apply in the same measure to everyone in my life. exceeding my own boundaries in terms of caring takes so much of an effort and pain from my part. my pride is my greatest failing.
**
so in the end, i'm still clueless about the idea of Grace - giving freely because of Love. perhaps there is no human being who can execute that kind of love because thoughts like "why the hell am i doing so much for someone who doesn't even appreciate me" come in every now and then, inevitably.
i profess to be extremely handicapped in the art of Giving, as the epiphany hasn't struck me yet. i do hope to be convicted and act like how Jesus does - giving up His life for people who don't even appreciate what He's doing for them. as much as i like to receive and feel really squirmish about it sometimes, i hope to be on the other end, without feeling that it'd kill me to do it.
but for now, i can't. my capacity is pea-sized and i still feel that i hate to owe anyone my living, even my parents. so for all the blessings that i have now, they feel exceedingly transient. my greatest wish is to be self-sufficient so that i can be set free from the shackles of having to Love in return.
all these might sound incredibly ridiculous to many of you, but it is a inner struggle that i haven't managed to be set free from. only Time will tell, i guess. maybe when i become a parent myself, which is not likely to happen because i know what will be in store for me (HELL) and i don't think i'm cut out for it at all, since Altruism is too much of a mystery to me.
so even when Jesus came into my life and told me that everything that i've done wrongly, in the past present and future, is to be wiped clean by His death on the cross, i never given that statement a deeper thought, and it confounded me cos i never asked Him to suffer like that for me.
but it was freedom, of course, to be set free from all the past struggles that i couldn't get myself out of, simply because He renewed my mind and presented to me new possiblities of total redemption.
but at the same time, i found it immensely difficult to grasp the idea of receiving His love freely, and dispensing it to other people in the same manner. if i offer a friend pringles chips, i'd be darned pissed if she proceeded to grab a whole stack and chomp greedily like she deserved it. similarly, i'd never think of taking advantage of someone else if i could afford to. rides home from friends, little gifts and notions of appreciation of me for being me, it's a bitter pill to swallow. i'd rather do everything on my own, not having to depend on anybody else, cos it'd mean that i'm less than capable of taking care of myself and incapacitated to a certain degree.
besides, who am i to deserve the kindness? what did i do in return? nothing.
**
but the funny thing is that i ended up fleecing my family of their selfless love for me, unknowingly. every single thing that they did, i took it for granted. and when they went into random mood swings once in a while, it always came as a shocker when they point their fingers at me and say that i'm the most self-centred person in the world.
"we're your family, for heavens sakes! family do things for other, geddit? i don't care if you don't do it for your friends as well, cos we're your FAMILY!"
the worst thing is, i don't think i've done anything wrong at all. to speak the truth, i've always hated the way i'm still so dependent on them for everything. perhaps it's cos i'm too slow to react and take initiative (or just can't be bothered), therefore they end up finishing what i've left behind or not begun on.
i still can't comprehend why they're so mad. is it because i've never done anything in return to repay them? or i've been blatantly selfish in my ways?
most possibly, i'm stuck in a blind spot and i can't see myself as how they see me. i don't think i'm always thinking for myself, cos the fact is that i don't think i think very much at all. i'm just oblivious to the many things happening around me. when my mom says that she's a failure as a parent, i feel pretty much stranded. i don't know what to do, in all honesty. try to help out more at home cos actions speak louder than words? perhaps that's it, right. Love has to be shown thru stuff you do for each other, and not asking for anything in return.
then why am i still selfish if that's the case? i fully well know that being a parent is the shittiest job in the entire world. but isn't a parent supposed to be fully prepared for the shit that is to come? that is, children living off you for at least 30 years, extracting every bit of emotional and physical strength from your being and you're reduced to nothing but a person who is practically living for the well-being of someone else. all because that someone else came from ur womb, and you have this innate obligation to fulfill the role of a Provider.
i guess i'm just too hinged upon my principles, of which i apply in the same measure to everyone in my life. exceeding my own boundaries in terms of caring takes so much of an effort and pain from my part. my pride is my greatest failing.
**
so in the end, i'm still clueless about the idea of Grace - giving freely because of Love. perhaps there is no human being who can execute that kind of love because thoughts like "why the hell am i doing so much for someone who doesn't even appreciate me" come in every now and then, inevitably.
i profess to be extremely handicapped in the art of Giving, as the epiphany hasn't struck me yet. i do hope to be convicted and act like how Jesus does - giving up His life for people who don't even appreciate what He's doing for them. as much as i like to receive and feel really squirmish about it sometimes, i hope to be on the other end, without feeling that it'd kill me to do it.
but for now, i can't. my capacity is pea-sized and i still feel that i hate to owe anyone my living, even my parents. so for all the blessings that i have now, they feel exceedingly transient. my greatest wish is to be self-sufficient so that i can be set free from the shackles of having to Love in return.
all these might sound incredibly ridiculous to many of you, but it is a inner struggle that i haven't managed to be set free from. only Time will tell, i guess. maybe when i become a parent myself, which is not likely to happen because i know what will be in store for me (HELL) and i don't think i'm cut out for it at all, since Altruism is too much of a mystery to me.
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