it is by grace.

Yet I am always with You
You hold me by my right hand
You guide me with your counsel
and afterward You will take me into glory

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You

My flesh and my heart may fail
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

psalm 73:23-26

i'm so angry now that tears are just threatening to spill over any moment.

yet i will not cry.

because the source of rage and frustration is unknown, even to myself. and i can only lament in solitude whilst the rest of my world leaves me behind.

i must be doing something wrong somewhere. a permanent vacation is much needed.

note the number of references to myself in this very short post. i swear my biggest problem is just me.

twas very disturbing to see a girl about my age just wasting away in the ward. not due to some incurable physical illness, but because of a paralysing condition of the mind. trapped in the fear of gaining weight, lest she gives in to her hunger and consumes a solid particle of food.

mind over matter, she declares to herself.

so begins the battle to stay thin - or get even thinner. traipsing up and down the ward relentlessly for hours, whilst doing repetitive arm exercises at the same time. in a bid to burn off any excess calories consumed in...water? or that mouthful of milk she was forced to down by her heartbroken (i safely assume) father.

i had no courage to talk to her, or tell her that everything's ok and that she doesn't have to do this to herself anymore. cos there is freedom just waiting for her around the corner, as long as she conquers the fear.

but what do i have to say to someone who's simply a more extreme example of what i'm struggling with? that i see familiar shadows of behaviour and warped determination in her - those which i only dare to let loose when in solitude, lest someone labels me as "mental".

"it is a constant battle to stay fit" - a poster tagline i saw in my previous gym.

perhaps we are really warring against the voices in our heads telling us day and night that a svelte figure is the only passport to acceptance as a human being in this society. this society, which we are all members struggling to survive in without being left behind like an outsider. yet we destroy each other like this, through passing superficial judgments on those less physically attractive and in the same process, suffer secretly in the immense fear of becoming just like one of them.

like what xx said, it's a tight slap in the face as we gape helplessly at the lonely figure of skin and bones, encaged in her own world where noone else can enter.

a personal resolution cannot be made at this point, but i am thoroughly sobered. and perhaps, will cut myself some slack this weekend.

today has been.. well, trying.

but embarrassing should be the conclusion. cos i lost my temper way too many times and for the silliest reasons - ridiculously long hours of lectures & tutorials, minimal time for lunch, and bitchy nurse behaviour. also cussed loudly at everything and anything. no wonder the visitors of the hospital were staring at me in disbelief, wondering where did this doctor-to-be came from. a pirate ship probably. guess they don't want me to be their lokun next time anymore.

once watched an episode of Judging Amy and the mother of Amy had to go for an anger management class as she was told by her colleagues (she's a social worker) that she had a foul temper. the other people in the anger management class began to share about what made them angry. typical stuff like backstabbing colleagues, inconsiderate neighbours, the lack of female toilets around (ok that's my rant) etc etc. things we complain about daily.

but when the mother was called to share, she started to rant about what truly made her angry - children who are abused and raped by their own step-parents, homeless teenagers not given a chance to attend school, parents who divorce for selfish reasons and leave their children broken and lost. and of course, she did not end off without berating the rest of the people for their childish reasons for rage when there are more worthy causes to be pissed about. not petty little glitches in Life that are really inconsequential.

just puts things into perspective innit.

why am i only reminded of this sobering fact after my insane outbursts of crude anger the entire day? learning a lesson in one thing, but putting it into action is another. shall make anger management by divine intervention my sole aim for this week - and beyond.

much thanks to my group mates who understood and tried to calm me down. especially xx :)

to my dearest auntie :

you are not an "idiot". some people may not appreciate you, but i think that you're the most generous, kindest and caring friend. and i believe that many others think the same way too.

you are who you are, loved by God and precious in His sight. noone can, and should, rob you of that. especially those who disappoint and let you down. hang in there. we are here for you.

today was a rather defeating day. for some reason, all the tutors seemed to have synchronised their comments to that of "your batch is very lousy". the condescending tone, the exasperated sighs, the superiority complex.

despite not being targetted singularly, i still felt the crushing hollowness of not being up to standards - their standards, no less. the standards of doctors who are at least 30 years older than us and have seen and done it all. and me, a rookie with less than a year of clinical experience. a valid excuse? don't know really.

i've not been chagrined by teachers for a very long time now. the last time was probably in primary school, when my chinese teacher rebuked me for my less than perfect ting xie scores. and it's exceedingly sobering i must say.

anyway

looking forward to a midweek breather by watching Corpse Bride sneaks with auntie ilynn. i like to hang out with friends whom i've known for ages now. the comforting silence is an indulgence in a world where meaningless small talk and patronizing laughter are made way too often.

have no idea how i made it home.

after a super long day in hospital (think 7 - 7), i was counting on my trusty bus 51 to bring me home zippity fast in like 20 mins. but hell no, some freak accident happened along telok blangah/pasir panjang junction and no less than 10 buses were trapped in that turning lane, forcing all the passengers to get off and find their own way home by some unknown means.

i remember being seriously agitated, and eventually crossing the perilous roads without stopping down to gawk at the accident scene like any other typical singaporean (which was terrible by the way - something like a TIBS bendy bus crashing into a construction area and another heavy vehicle colliding into the side of it). proceeded to walk all the way back to west coast crescent where i live, tottering on my heels.

couldn't hail a taxi in case you were wondering. cos following the accident junction is a one-way lane and since all the vehicles were trapped before that, no taxi could turn in.

anyway you have no idea how far it was. by bus, it takes at most 15 mins for me to reach home. but on foot, i took about an hour. and i was pretty fast already. can you imagine?? me walking alone thru the loooonnng stretch and perspiring like nobody's business. and the worst thing was to walk past haw par villa, cos that place gives me the creeps. tripped several times, officially killing my heels (time to get new pair), and also blistering me poor feet. not to mention the stupid street lights which went off for no good reason and made me feel like i'm traipsing through the tekong jungle.

oh god what a way to spend my friday night. to think i was just looking forward to spending it alone on the couch, watching tv and eating comfort food like icecream. at that moment upon arriving home, i wished someone was at home to listen to me whine about my misfortune.

o well, at least i had a bloody good workout from the walk. in all things i give thanks for He sustains me in moments like these.

now what's with the media-obsession with weight loss these days?

i turn on channel 5 i see Villa Wellness (insanely entertaining btw. i approve). flip to channel 8 and there's this gameshow with rotund ladies competing to see who loses weight the fastest. then i pick up 8days and the frontpage is splashed with pictures of female celebs who are in the below-50 kg category. and not to mention olinda cho who is so damn petite now.

how come there are no more reports about anorexia, body-image disorders and health problems associated with crash diets already? now all we have are slimming ads, bust-enhancement ads, and plastic surgeons getting all the media exposure about their expertise in making people beautiful.

this is bad. as if girls these days are not under enough pressure from school and friends and family already, now we have to contend with impossibly female stars flaunting their stick-thin figures here there everywhere. jutting clavicles are the new accessories in vogue, baby.

so i admit. i am obsessed to a certain degree. counting calories, exercising almost everyday, regular weigh-ins - it's as if i'm the star of my own reality weightloss show. but my idea of utopia is certainly a world where females are allowed to have fleshy body parts and eat brownies & icecream whenever they want to without feeling sickeningly guilty moments later. and exercise is done only because it keeps one fit and healthy.

sadly this isn't the case. not when i have male friends (childish twits, no less) pointing out to me that i have a tummy and according to them, girls shouldn't have tummies. and girls should be "small and cute". i assume they're not referring to the boobs as well, cos guys being (stupid) guys, they'll want big boobies on a skinny frame, even if it is blatantly obvious that girls cannot lose weight without losing their mammary size.

perhaps guys prefer to date girls with bodies of 12 year olds these days? i wouldn't be surprised.
in any case, their opinions shouldn't even matter in the first place. cos it's not as if i expect them to look like allan wu, so they better shove their moronic comments up their arses.

anyway

i've half a mind to bitch like crazy about this issue but i rest my case. the thinny thin thin phase will probably stick around for some time and i'd still be caught in between getting swept away by the madness and sticking to my principles of exercising for the sake of health, and not to fit into size 27 jeans. in the meantime i will eat my greentea mooncake and run like a hamster on its wheel the next day.

**

after a hella long time, i've turned on my comments. cos i'm bored and also curious to see who's still reading this space, despite it being hopelessly boring already. so drop me a message if u will. hate messages are accepted too as long you leave your name.

hella tired i am. and it's only monday.

tomorrow i am not going for grand ward rounds. even tho it means i won't be able to oogle at my eyecandy doc. this is a great sacrifice but it has to be made. i cannot wake up at unearthly hours of 6am anymore.

sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. sleep in, wake up leisurely, go for a run, and a loonnngg breakfast.

amen to that i say.

hopefully i will be able to get out of hospital by 2 pm too. wish me luck

admittedly i was never the sort of person who'd pay much attention to the details in Life. more often than not, the big picture would be looming in me head and all i can perceive is the entirety of things, and solely focus on the main concept. meticulousness is clearly not my forte, hence the neverending complaints of momma towards the cleanliness of my room.

why did i end up studying medicine then? when the job scope requires the uncanny ability to memorise alien-sounding terms and nittygritty facts & figures of exotic diseases and watnot. i wonder how can i survive when all i can see is whether the patient is doing well in the general sense or not. God help me that i will not forget stuff when i study emergency medicine, lest the lawyers come chasing after me head.

also, i wonder why i never got down to setting certain things right. for example, my crooked teeth. why didn't i get braces? and now extreme makeover successes with shining white veneers taunt me to no end. why did i quit swimming lessons? hence i only know how to swim the breaststroke. and my longneglected driving lessons. why haven't i called up the driving instructor? and i still have to take 2 buses to get to church when i can easily drive there (if i could) in 15 mins.

you know, the stuff that are not lifechanging decisions yet which are absolutely important - but all i did was to fancy the notions of starting on these projects transiently and soon moved on quickly. when the entire world was getting down to doing such things i was still somewhere in oompa loompa land doing God knows what.

i seem to live by a just-cannot-be-bothered attitude since diaper days. like momma would plonk me (when i was a baby) on a chair whilst she does the laundry , and hours later she'd find me still sitting there, playing with my fingers or something.

guess i'm just a very lazy kid.

so it puzzles me why my friends describe me as a go-getter who is focussed on getting what i want in Life in friendster testimonials. perhaps i set goals in my unconscious being, and attain them unwittingly. but truth to be told, i was never a conscious planner with kickass determination to boot. like those rafflesian-type of people who probably laid down the milestones to be achieved in their lifetimes when they were still in primary one.

so what drives me? and how did i get to where i am now?

such is the mystery of God's grace.

Miss Pee-Alot

it's the Superstar finals tonight. i have to say i haven't caught a single episode of it, and intend to continue doing so despite my momma's claims about how wonderful the visually-impaired guy is singing. watching such shows makes me feel stupid so i guess i'll pass. (not that people who watch it are stupid of course, it's just me la.)

i'm more interested in his eye pathology tho. Congenital Amaurosis you say? the second word sounds vaguely familiar.

surgery days have been passing real slowly and i wonder why. but enjoyable nevertheless. free apples in the clinics, nice doctors who are ever so willing to teach, and hilarious RA jokes made in the OT (by the surgeons themselves, no less. "sterile strip" HAHAHA).

but there's just this restlessness running thru me veins. like i'm anticipating for some action. well, perhaps i could start with the stupid case write-up. and try to set a plug next week or smth.

it's friday soon. again. weekend jitters are bugging me. can i just hibernate and hide away in the safety of my home and family. seems like i've been consistently turning down meet-ups with friends, only because i'm just too weary to talk about the usual stuff - how have you been, what's up with hospital, any problems with school, where's your love life etc etc. hence, i've been a hermit for the longest time ever, and i'm not ashamed of it.

besides, there is absolutely no incentive to go out when all i do is spend money on unhealthy food and miss my favorite tv shows. like the upcoming jap drama featuring Takuya Kimura (a close second to Depp my love).

momma always says that i'm an easy kid to bring up. just give me food, a bed, tv and treadmill and i'm happily satisfied with Life. not alot to ask for, isn't it.

sometimes i wonder what will happen to me if my parents pass away and my sister marries (she'll definitely marry that's fer sure). whom shall i cling on to for dear life then?