do NOT link my blog, i'm warning you

i repeat myself again

I LOATHE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW ME VERY DAMN WELL. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DEMAND ANY EMOTIONAL OBLIGATIONS FROM ME.

fuck i really detest the whole cycle of having to run away and hide from people who expect me to explain myself to them every single time i do something if not they'll assume a ridiculous GUAI LAN attitude, as if i owe them bigtime.

do u know how bloody guilty i am when i just run away and pretend that i never knew you, or when i deliberately put on a i'm-in-a-foul-mood-leave-me-alone demeanour just so that you will stay away? why do such "friendships" (or so i hoped) always end up in a silly ownership game?

i fuckin hate to be owned. noone can own me like that, u hear me. don't go thinking that i am just a little girl who can be told what to do and will listen. i don give a pigeon's shit about your advice.

from all my previous relationships till now, seems like nothing has changed. and i am sick and tired of this. platonic friendships between the 2 genders is a farce thru and thru, and it ain't my fault that they end up the way they are all the time. i don't care i'm going to stop trying to be civil. enough is enough.

so damn sad.

there are only about 10 people whom i really need to be in my life.

if you think about it, that's a really small social circle. and it has recently just shrunk to a miniscule size, after my sis moves out into hall (and i'll prob only see her on saturdays during service), and my unwillingness to make a deliberate effort to contact the other close friends to meet up catch up watever.

despite being a semi social recluse, i can't help but feel a twinge of loneliness and an evil voice telling me what a loser i am. having only a few close friends to hang out with, and no spectacular plans for friday nights.

what a chore it is, to shut out loneliness. loneliness is a stealthy thing. it creeps up on u when u're least prepared for it, and crumbles your self-confidence and security to nothingness in a matter of seconds.

but the good news is loneliness is not only something one must get used to, but it probably should be much treasured and perceived in a better light. afterall, nobody can be around for you forever, and you'll have to lie in a coffin all by urself in the end anyway.

so it's time to make friends with the real you. it's easy to lose yourself when in company of others, which is terrible. and i need to sit down and have a good chat with Me, for once.

i hate it when i don't get to eat my favorite cai fan from my favorite cai fan stall. i hate it when cai fan vendors are so stingy with their vegetables and dump a mountain of rice on my plate to pretend that they're giving me alot.

and so now i have lost my appetite, just staring at that abominable packet of rice with garnishings masquerading as side dishes. appalling stuff.

not blaming anyone for this. i'm just insane with an unknown rage.

Help the aged
one time they were just like you
drinking, smoking cigs and sniffing glue.
Help the aged
don't just put them in a home
can't have much fun in there all on their own

Give a hand, if you can, try and help them to unwind
Give them hope & give them comfort 'cos they're running out of time

In the meantime we try
Try to forget that nothing lasts forever
No big deal so give us all a feel
Funny how it all falls away

When did you first realise?
It's time you took an older lover baby
Teach you stuff although he's looking rough
Funny how it all falls away

Help the aged 'cos one day you'll be older too
you might need someone who can pull you through
& if you look very hard behind the lines upon their face
you may see where you are headed and it's such a lonely place

You can dye your hair but it's the one thing you can't change
Can't run away from yourself, yourself
Funny how it all falls away
So help the aged.

-Help the Aged, Pulp

tomorrow i am going to help the aged. hopefully it'll take my burdened and confused mind off its wanderlusts and compulsive obsessive thoughts.

when will i ever learn? that things don't work out the way i want them to for 99% of the time? i should have learnt. now i will not yearn anymore. for i no longer know what my heart truly desires. it's all a little sad, really.

anyway i love the song. reminds me of how auntie mandy and i made fun of the lead singer's name - Jarvis Cocker.

for a week before the time of the month, i morph into an incorrigible man-basher who spews caustic bitter remarks about every single guy that comes along and glare at them with disgust for no good reason. my faith in the other gender drops to sub-zero and they are all nameless faceless heartless charmless useless morons till my chaotic hormones settle to their benign state.

can't help it. they deserve it anyway. and i deserve to be hated by them too.

sunday nights are the worst. tho it ain't even sunday mornin yet i can sense it in me bones already, that i'll be wallowing in my misery and groaning bout sch the next day.

hate it hate it hate it RARRRR

i am very stressed.

the seemingly unattainable demands of my future career and doctor tutors are gobbling up my very last shred of confidence, leaving me dumbfounded and unsure of what my next step is to be. it's probably easier to ignore their harsh words (which mean well, of course) and choose to expect less of myself since the new system allows us to get away with a lot more than before. but knowing me, i'd rather fail as i strive to my very best than scrape thru with mediocre effort.

some say that this is a marathon, not a sprint. but i realise that this is a sprint, just a very long one. and my steps are to be quickened and my running technique, to be honed with intelligence, to ensure that my very last breath will be at the finish line.

everyone's gotta find their way to survive the medical world. so much is expected of us, yet so little practical guidance is offered. i need a change of strategy and attitude, find my way, and walk that path with all other cares behind me.

but for now, i must rest. had it with incomprehensible indian accents and smart-alecks who are too damn smart (and cut-throat) for their own damn good.

God help me. i cannot, but You can.

raaahh!

if anyone dare say that i wasn't productive enough today (yes, even my over-zealous subgroup mates), i'll wallop him/her into a messy bloody pulp.

i've redefined productive. productive i am, indeed. never have i completed so many activities in one day before. every hour was spent doing something constructive, even toilet time.

more busy days to come! then weekends i will retreat into my hermit hole and go into hibernation.

always and never

Sin City was (unsurprisingly), sinfully good. sure, the gore and artistic cinematography arrested my senses, but twas the gorgeous dialogues that make me wanna wax lyrical about this flick for the next few days. made me think quite abit after watching it, cos the twisted philosophies underlying the entire film are impossible to ignore.

but it's expected if u watch a movie with fellow countrymen u're bound to get some idiots here and there in the theatre. and so right beside me was this bunch of twits who did nothing but chatter inane garble for a good 3/4 of the entire film and declared (with very poor diction, no less) in a huff at the end "it's the worst movie i've ever watched ah!"

please. if you don't even bother to sit still and watch what the film has to offer for even 10 minutes, or can't understand a single word of the poetic dialogues, do stick to easy to comprehend movies like Initial D where there's only action and no talk. then maybe you wouldn't be so pissed and we wouldn't be so riled.

i respect ah bengs and ah lians. but not when they display their idiocies like watching any damn movie just cos it sounds vellie kewl ah! Sin City ah! gort hot babes like jessica alba ah!

BAH.

tis the weekend again. this past week has gone by in a blur, save for a few notable highlights for example my first attempt at drawing blood (yah, suaku i know. some pple have done it like 5 million times), despite one of my attempts being a much tortuous one (both for me and the ah ma), as i had to search for the course of the vein with the needle stuck in her forearm for a good 5 mins before finally seeing flashback. -cold sweat-

thank God for kind MOs and consultants who displayed much appreciated patience towards us ignorant shrimps, and thus saving us from floundering in helplessness in the wards. angels, they are.

ironically, i'm watching Sin City tonight, which is supposed to be filled with gore, sex, blood - sinful, no less. but the visual effects are gorgeous and i can't miss out on anything like that. tomorrow will be art museum-visiting day! can't wait.

david tao's song is making me weep. seems like it doesn't take much to stimulate my lacrimal glands these days.

funny how you desire something so much that u burn with passion for it, and think about it relentlessly night and day. then when u finally get the elusive prize, u suddenly realise that it doesn't mean anything anymore. or that it's not what you really want.

amazing how a simple message has revealed my heart towards God more than ever - in a deeper, more painful and raw-er (if there is such a word) way. my true desires lie not in a temporary embrace or sweet-nothings that will be forgotten with time; but within a safe haven where true joys abound, and where my real needs are met.

my heart, i know, will forever be a lonely hunter unless it finds rest in what is Eternal. and i thank God that He is preparing me for my destiny thru this. and that He really cares.

**

indeed, His way and thoughts are higher than mine, and the way He shows His love is something i can never fully comprehend - unless i wait patiently and watch what happens.

it could be a heartwrenching process you're going thru now, but take heart, cos the Lord only disciplines those whom He loves. and moulding is essential to fulfill the purpose you were made for - His glory.

me, my sis and i.


my childhood was good. i had a sister to play with all the time, and that was pretty much enough.

fortunately, things haven't changed much over the years. :)

i've never been so elated in a long long time. just when i wanted to post a dreary entry bout how busy my week has been and how weary i am from all the frantic clerking of patients and late-night studying of thick textbooks, an unexpected friendster message from someone unexpected just dropped from the heavens like a magical shower of blessing, leaving me tingly all over.

now, i'm stuck in between a mood to celebrate and a weird motivation to study even harder. well, i suppose i can study with joy as a from of praise to my wonderful Father, who knows my deepest thoughts and gives me all good gifts.

thank you Lord, You will always be first in my life, no matter what happens.

and oh, genki sushi and dessert (my treat!) with auntie ilynn tmr. i love weekends

the world is constantly searching for answers to questions conjured up by our inexplicable curiosity towards everything.

my question to the inquisitive beings is : do you really need to know so much?

the truth is often ugly, temporary and pointless. it does not neccesarily bring a change to the current situation, nor does it prove a point. the truth is, we're all just seeking for some sort of self-justification, in our attempt to uncover what is hidden and secret.

ignorance is truly bliss. as long as one can answer to his/her own conscience and find peace in existence, it is alright not to lay all the facts bare on the table and analyse them so painstakingly.

nothing is constant, especially so for the fabled "truth" that we're so desperately chasing after. hence, perhaps it's better not to want control over all matters in Life, since it is clearly impossible.

living would be much easier and happier, simply by choosing not to know.

all i can is that i'm so glad for the weekend, despite it being a very short 2-day respite.

the behavior of certain people are unbelievable. they wear me out till my patience becomes tissue-thin and i've just about had it. contending with the idiosyncrasies (or rather, idiocies) of others is more demanding than the workload i have to handle.

if only, i can be left alone sometimes, without having to explain myself to anyone who wants to know so much, they end up robbing me. i cannot give in anymore. and some people have to learn to stop thinking that the world revolves around them. better still, please learn how to be independent.

don't ask me if i'm referring to you or whatever nonsense. if you feel indignant, then maybe you're guilty of the above. it is your problem, not mine.

**
with that said and done, i will move on and learn how to stay firm. how to focus on God instead of people. how to do and say what is right. this is my portion, and i thank God for it. even though letting go is really sometimes, quite a pain in the ass, it is quite necessary.