CNY is finally over and i feel like i've gained 10 kg within a span of 3 days.

well, yeah so wat if i'm whining about my weight again. every girl does that. including that (hypocrite) girl who proclaims to "never diet" and "have no issues with my body whatsoever". you just didn't see her throwing up into the toilet bowl or downing some Extrim before eating pineapple tarts.

anyway so right now i'm feeling abit depressed cos the holidays are over and i spent half of the time counting calories. (2 pineapple tarts, 2 muah chee, 3 chocolate cookies...) heck, i didn't even open up my ang baos and had to ask my sis what was the haul. kinda scatterbrained, like i have a million things to do but can't remember what they are.

so if i owe you money, or was supposed to meet up with you, or give you an answer on anything please have some patience with me and remind me again. i wonder if all the food has chugged up the arteries leading to my brain or the latter simply became a tub of lard or something. i just can't remember much. for once, my checklist of Things To Do is empty. and i don't feel like doing anything cos i don't want to care. not even going to work out this week like i know i would normally, even though my calorie intake has shot thru the roof.

i'm grumpy ain't i. blame it on the Red Sea. exams are coming, oh woe is me.

it's really hard getting up in the mornings to do my daily workout when i know in a few hours' time i'd be gaining all those calories back thru pineapple tarts, bak kwa, and steamboat. and more

a tough weekend ahead, my dears.

ok i HAVE to get this off my chest (not that i have much to contend with in the first place)

my dad bought some dubious brand of bak kwa and that has made me really annoyed. cos bak kwa is the only thing that i look forward to during CNY besides the ang bao moolah and i absolutely cannot stand eating some ordinary tasting bak kwa.

my ideal bak kwa : big, juicy, sweet and charred all around. and really really oily

and he had to go buy some weird sounding brand (Gim Tin Hee or something like that) which has NO queue. and you know how good that speaks of the bak kwa quality when CNY is only a few days away.

this is unacceptable! i will not touch that bak kwa.

i know i am such a brat but it's the only new year goodie i eat so it must be good la. if not what is the point of indulgence?

hrmph

**

on another note, we try the grilled fish dishes next week ok auntie mandy? yay

lunar new year is just 6 days away! how exciting.

despite the fact that the obligatory gathering of extended family seems a tad too contrived as i get older, much like how they described it in the papers today. a group of strangers sitting in the living room talking about the limited info they have about each other, eating tidbits and watching jackie chan re-runs.

one can get all cynical and dismissive about it, but i still appreciate the chance to reminisce about the same old childhood incidents the 50th time (i made you cry at the playground!) and answer meaningless questions like "do you have a boyfriend?" /"have you graduated from university"/blah blah.

for i truly believe that at the way things are going, this sort of family gathering will cease to exist in approximately 10 years time and everyone will have their reunion dinner sent in a package to their doorstep. and at least it's still a chance to catch up with my relatives, for that short hour i spend at their homes in my pretty new year garb.

speaking of new year garb, i sure am glad that i bought mine way before christmas. talk about planning ahead.

my concluding thought about my recent trip to bangkok is : we are sure damn slow in catching up with trends. and we are very boring dressers compared to the bangkok teens.

trend forecast for spring/summer 2006 : vintage / nautical / tribal bohemian.

and don say you don follow trends cos we all do, to some degree or the other. i'm going for nautical this season!

i heart bangkok

i am back from my yearly pilgrimage to the Land of Smiles, with a few pounds added onto my waistline from all the A&W and Dairy Queen, and a big haul of shopping. nothing new.

the next few days are going to be dismal, save for MOS on friday night with auntie ilynn. guess i'll have to cancel some driving lessons. ho-hum.

that's all i have to say. goodnight.

most of the time i feel like a genuine hypocrite when i tell my friend to lean on God whenever times are tough. the formulaic bible verses. the cliche lines.

perhaps having the simple childlike faith to believe in these promises is not as easy as letting them roll off my tongue.

however after all that's been happening to the people i love most lately, the truth of Jesus Christ has hit harder to home than never before.

to those who are suffering, the most difficult thing to believe in is that God has a plan in everything.

suffering does not come from God. it is the consequence of our own mistakes.

yet He can transform the mess we make into something beautiful and worthwhile; although the journey can be long and fraught with much pain. i am sure we have all experienced this at one point or the other.

the very reason that Jesus Christ did what He did on the cross is to show us that even in Death, there is Life. imagine the fear and hopelessness that seeped into the disciples' hearts when they witnessed their Messiah hanging dead and broken on the cross. the world must have ended for them there and then.

yet He rose again 3 days later, proving that there is no situation whereby God's victory cannot come through. and that He never fails to keep His promise to never leave us.

**

i truly believe all things work for the good of those who love Him.

the world is a terrible place to live in, yet we have hope in eternal joy with Him.

people let us down time and time again, yet we can forgive them because He has forgiven all of us while we were still sinners.

we are weak, but He is strong.

the lines above may seem to be the same old cliche catchphrases i mentioned in my first paragraph, but they are the truth.

and you know what they say : the Truth shall set you free.

**

we cannot undo what has happened, but can only hang on to our tiniest bit of faith that He has everything under control. and by choosing to believe in that, our sanity is preserved.

be brave.

nothing breaks my heart more than when my loved ones are struggling with the demands of Life.

and that's probably why i find it so hard to leave at this point in time.

driving is not my thing at all.

it's tiring, troublesome, and basically i just prefer to be driven around. bus driver, taxi driver, my mom.. i don't like to think once i'm in the car. staring blankly at the world passing me by on the ECP is the best way to slink into a brief moment of absolute idleness and mental solitude.

my instructors have commented that i'm quite good at it tho. then again i reckon it's because few people can screw up driving an auto transmission vehicle since it's such a no-brainer.

in any case the COE prices have gone ridiculously low these days and hence my parents have jumped on the bandwagon and gotten ourselves a new ride. grateful that they chose an auto car this time, despite their (unfathomable) liking to drive manual ones.

they say it's a coming-of-age affair, being able to drive yourself around. which is complete bullshit to me cos it's nothing but delusions of grandeur. moreover, not everyone can afford their own car. maybe the equivalence in Nepal is being able to ride your first donkey or something.

what would really signify the attainment of adulthood to me is to provide for the family. paying the bills, doing the household chores and such. cos at age 21, i feel useless at times as i have to depend on my parents financially for the next few years. not to mention i don't even mop the floor very often. tis not a good feeling at all.

hence the day when i'm able to give to them out of what i earn with my own toil, i will consider myself to have truly grown up.

a few things that made me really hairpee in the first week of 2006:

ethel came back from the US

talked to my sister online / she is buying birkenstocks for me / she is selected for an exchange programme that she wanted very much

eating carrot cake (the angmoh version) 2 days in a row

eating mummy's homecooked food after horrendously oily camp fare over the new year weekend

had my first driving lesson - mostly spent yakking away with my funny instructor while driving in the rain around the circuit

and finally..

mandy getting the job at hooters!!!

**

thank God for all of the above. He is good.

the new year was ushered in with mainly ambivalence.

for Time, to me, is continuous and unseparated by any particular event or day. and getting older is merely a biological process whereby some more cells fail to rejuvenate themselves. and thus, the inevitable sagging.

but i suppose a new year gives us permission to give ourselves a fresh start - to change, make amends, try again.

**

new year service in church was endured with mainly a gripping fear.

fear of meeting expectations - my own and other people's.

fear of not being able to reciprocate the great mercy shown to me by God.

fear of losing my joy of salvation.

fear of shame.

fear of not transforming into a new and better improved version of me.

and so as the worshippers around me rocked on with the deafeningly loud band music, i could only stand motionless and contemplate the next step i have to take.

because i know i have to.

but what?

**

the nothingness of me in His presence, i need to experience. the vastness of His love for me, i need to embrace.