the new year was ushered in with mainly ambivalence.

for Time, to me, is continuous and unseparated by any particular event or day. and getting older is merely a biological process whereby some more cells fail to rejuvenate themselves. and thus, the inevitable sagging.

but i suppose a new year gives us permission to give ourselves a fresh start - to change, make amends, try again.

**

new year service in church was endured with mainly a gripping fear.

fear of meeting expectations - my own and other people's.

fear of not being able to reciprocate the great mercy shown to me by God.

fear of losing my joy of salvation.

fear of shame.

fear of not transforming into a new and better improved version of me.

and so as the worshippers around me rocked on with the deafeningly loud band music, i could only stand motionless and contemplate the next step i have to take.

because i know i have to.

but what?

**

the nothingness of me in His presence, i need to experience. the vastness of His love for me, i need to embrace.