warts and all

i'm on the brink of paranoia and a nervous breakdown. all because of the spreading colonies of moles (and other assorted discolourations) on my once-not-so-moley-skin.

o woe is me! such a great many these scattered dots are on my body, i reckon u could connect them with lines and there u have it, a map of the constellations. not that i haven't been plagued with such an unfortunate skin malady of course. i've always been the Moley One, much to the ignorant ridicule of silly kids ("eek! why u so many moles one??")

but in recent years, i've become freckly as well as moley. must be the 2 years of training under the relentless sun without adequate uv protection that any self-respecting female would be vigilant about. no, not me. i'm the don-give-no-heck village idiot. more light on this side of my arm please! not sunscreen for me, i wanna have a nice golden brown tan. indeed i achieved my purpose of being a semi-chaotar otah. but after my brief stint as a pseudo-professional athlete, the tan has long faded, and wat's left are the unsightly, ghastly, numerous dotties on me arms and face and watnot. gahh!

i remember being really paranoid about the flesh-eating bug as a child, after watching the news of a poor china girl who was struck with that unthinkable illness. thereafter i spent much time conscientiously inspecting my skin for new black dots that would hint of an evil bug lurking beneath my skin. then i'd pick at any new dots with a sharp object, and begin digging with sadomasochistic vigour, hoping to eradicate any bug that threatens to chow up my limbs.

then like any 5-minute obsession, i soon got tired of it and proceeded to check my hair loss (like counting evry single strand of hair i dropped, and inspecting my crown for any expanding bare patches). but i digress.

and so this morbid insanity has worn off, with mild relapses here and there. but now it's back with a vengeance.

Signs of Skin Melanoma (aka Skin Cancer)

1. reddish, angry-lookin mole that has changed colour - check

2. mole with irregular border and spreading discolouration around it - yes yes!

3. itchiness, peeling, pain - !!!

4. asymmetry - i think this one looks weird..

....

somehow i think i might be in trouble. better go see a dermatologist soon.

**

and so i'm left on my own to be "paranoid" about my health condition, with by-standers and loved ones alike jeering at my over-sensitivity and worrywart behavior.

thus i wonder, is it a taboo/wrong to be cautious and resilient in monitoring one's own health and taking the necessary precautionary steps, or is it just plain hypochondriac tendency? why do people regard the 'health-nuts' as silly people who have too much time on their hands to worry about such things. why do they think that such 'things' will never happen to them. why do they choose to obliterate the possiblities and refuse to face up to them.

it's all very baffling, indeed.

perhaps it's the fear of the scary truth. that they'd rather be not in the know cos ignorance is bliss, innit. and that the truth will subject them to debilitating treatements and render them vulnerable and imprisoned, in that sense.

well, i believe in a self-determining attitude towards oneself, mixed with a dash of optimism and courage, and coupled with Hope that my worries are uncalled for, or that early treatment will surely bid full recovery.

**

in the meantime, it's time to measure the Mole in question to see if it measures 6 mm and above, which would mean an uncontrolled proliferation of mutated, undifferentiated cells.

the answer my friend, is blowin in the wind

now, this is annoying. first they said there's no negative marking for patho ca, and now there is. and one can get a -5 marks per question, instead of zero. and so i happily tikam as many questions as i could without conscious realization of the deep shit i was getting myself into.

fine. that was that. so next was pharmacology. same mcq format. only this time the lowest grade per question one can get is a bloody zero. and thinkin that the professors are in cahoots to annihilate our existence, i played it safe and only shaded those i was sure of and actually left an entire question blank, when i could have just attempted it and hope to score a few more measly points.

**

why am i going on and on about the silly marking system when i'm supposed to be nonchalant and adopt a screw-the-CAS attitude? why why why? and when half of my readers aren't even from medfac and has no freakin idea of wat i'm whining about?

silly me.

bah. will probably send in a complaint letter to bash the conniving deceiving irresponsible can't-do-no-coordination-right twerps who gave me false hopes and thrashed em all in the end. other than that, i'm just happy that more than half the shit is over, and the days of getting my lazy fat arse (literally) to the gym are a-nearin. yay.

btw i think it's highly irritating (and weird) how guys seem to think that the idea of fun after a gruelling exam is soccer, tennis or some other assorted sweaty sports. give me chocolate cake and a manicure anytime, darlin.

just kiddin

odelay

"and now, the End is near
and so i face, the final curtain.."

**

okay done with the mandatory the-CAs-Are-Coming-I'm-So-Dead-BooHoo declaration. movin on, i've got so many things to look forward to after the annoying tests. the most important of which would be bangkok of course. (wat's new) i've been dreaming of the airport and chatuchak market ever-so-often and all we can talk about (me and my aunties) is just our shopping lists and wat luggage to bring.

and thus, i'm in a post-celebratory mood already. how nice. euphoria and a ditzy misdemeanour is the only way to go prior the Big Scary tests awaiting me a few hours later. i'm either truly light-hearted or i've just gone bonkers.

watever. i'm hooked onto the O.C. can't wait for the next episode.

and by the way, i love reading ur blog auntie lim. it's so interesting and personal. go you.

and the truth shall set me free

i need to set my priorities right.

i need to exercise self-control over my aberrant emotions.

i need to reject all distractions that entice me during this trying period.

i need to rebuke all the deceptive voices in my mind.

i need to stay focussed on my calling for this season of my life.

i need to persevere and believe that things will get better.

i need to continue to trust and pray.

i need to hold on to the Promise and rely completely on His strength.

**

"Do not doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light.."

**

for His grace is sufficient for me, and i lack nothing because God is my everything.

especially for you

such morosity has come over me as i flipped thru the photo albums of yesteryears (okay, just about 2 years ago) out of sheer boredom and impending insanity from the impossible neurological notes. but i digress.

wat struck me the most was the radiance that just shone thru from evry genuine smile i had in evry photo. where has that joy gone to now?

**

perhaps it was because i was simply so happy back then in jc, when i still trained together with my dearest ruggers. this bunch of girls was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time. the emotional support and encouragement they gave me was the only reason why i pushed on week after week, training till late, having to deal with the immense workload and pressure. i remember how i used to watch the classroom clock ever so fervently, attempting to will it to strike 5 so that i could jump outta my seat and bounce all the way to the field and begin the gruelling training session. yes i was enthusiastic like that.

these girls are the most positive people around. even i, the chronic ah lian, was infected by their energy and optimism. they listened patiently when i whined incessantly about being stressed. they accepted me wholeheartedly for who i am. and they always promised to face the shit together with me.

wat was so special about our bond was how there was nary an ounce of jealousy, malice or bitchiness at all. it was just pure good fun and sincere love for each other. instead of competing to be the best player on the field, we were more interested in enjoying each other's company and doing evrything together.

it makes me sad to recall all the memories we shared together and how going to school meant yet another day of getting to see and talk to these wonderful girls. that gave me so much strength to embrace watever-may-come. and now we've all drifted apart in our endeavours and become overwhelmed by our present lives, with little time to spare for catching up on each other's lives.

i will always miss the times when we had sentosa & changi airport outings, shared homemade cheesecake and apple crumble, ran up and down the field in the middle of the night, dunked each other into birthday cakes, mugged in the library and taking rugby breaks, teased coach relentlessly behind his back, prayed together b4 the Big Game, and crumpled into a teary heap on the field thereafter. irreplaceable memories, these are.

heck. i just miss you girls too much.

**

lately i look at myself now in dismay and wondered where is the sunshiney girl that i used to be in jc. all that's left is a very worn out and mentally exhausted cynic. without anything to look forward to evryday.

sometimes i wish i still have a group of close frens in school to belong to and to draw the source of joy and support from. the reason why i shld enjoy going to school and doing wat i do.

perhaps i was always too much of a Taker, and it's time for me to give it all back. but right now, i'd just like to reminisce.

what moves you?

 

 

junkfunkmunk

u knoe wat they say about having to challenge yourself in Life so as to make living it more worthwhile? lest u look back after 30 years of slogging and realise that u've nary an achievement worth mentioning to ur name.

well, i've a good mind to do that right away. starting from not finishing my intended revision and sit for the CAs unprepared. now isn't that exciting.

sometimes we think we've got so much to lose if we don't accomplish certain things. things that aren't important to us as individuals per se, but are mostly wat others expect of us. or at least wat we think they expect of us.

i don't know about you but i certainly do not give a flying fish about the upcoming CAs. i know i am going to be a good doctor (i shall try), minus the stellar dean's list grades that is. besides, wat's a CA got to do with my career anyway? i'd rather they put us straight into clinics and focus on our ability to interact and communicate with patients. isn't that wat's most important?

and we're skipping all the human resource and cofm lectures (for the uninformed, they teach us the interpersonal skills and communication techniques btw doctor & patient). i skip em all too. which is rather tragic really, cos i've a niggling feeling that i'll live to regret this by choosing to mug my wonky brains out on piles of information that i'll flush down the longkang straight after the exams.

failing a CA doesn't even make a dent in my estimated lifespan of approx 77 years. they're not even going to mention it on my tombstone. at least, i hope not.

**

so i guess a more challenging challenge would be to attempt at swatting the giant ugly flying insect around 10 cm distance away from my goose-pimpled left arm right now and reducing it to a juicy splat, fear-factor style. wish me luck.

for he's a jolly good fellow

I HAVE NICKELODEON CHANNEL ON CABLE TV!!!

wat a pleasant surprise. wanted to kick myself in the balls for missing out on the action and lamenting to my frens for being such a loser cos i have disney channel and cartoon network but i DON'T HAVE NICKELODEON. must have the complete collection y'knoe.

now, i no longer have to hide in shame and despair! joy to the world.

when the times get tough and really dreary (like right now as i'm ploughing thru my notes), any itty bitty good thing that happens to me is like a divine miracle that sends adrenaline and endorphins rushing thru my veins, shooting up to my temples and send colorful fireworks bursting out of my ears.

all the childhood pleasures that i've discarded for supposed 'cooler' pursuits are making me a very gay child indeed these days. like eating yan yan (or is it yam yam?). watching tom and jerry. bouncing on the seesaws. now i just have to get them to show captain planet again and all will be perfect.

okay. they just serve as very good distractors from the Real Life. i believe it's the same for evrybody. when i saw my sis becoming hooked onto Sesame Street in recent weeks (A levels are next month) i knew it. chants : "Play with Me, Sesame! Play with Me, Sesame!"

at times like these you realise wat truly makes u happy.

**

am kinda surprised and grateful for the positive comments about my previous entry about Love. now that sent jolly good vibes up and down my spine. was tempted to leave it there a tad longer to garner more accolades but as u know i'm not a vain person and i don't write for the sake of feeding ardent supporters (like Singapore's most famous blogger miss xiaxue). so, there.

anyway all the studying is frying my brains. actually smsed auntie ilynn this in response to her sms of bangkok shopping malls and night markets closing early at the unearthly hour of TEN PM. (*&%$#@!*&^) to save electricity. (save wat electricity?! save save save! lose all ur angmoh customers patronizing the strip clubs at patpong night market then you know ah)

"it's okay lah then we can sleep early and wake up energized the next day to go studying.."

goodness gracious me.

grandiosity of it all

love gained, love lost. after witnessing uncountable breakups and hookups within my social circle, and personally having tasted 'love' and unrequited 'love', i've come to realise how important it is to consider carefully and weigh all consequences before jumping into the mass movement Love Parade of the world today.

people get into relationships for a whole slew of varying reasons. loneliness, insecurities, boredom, curiosity, peer pressure. I Love Yous rolling off the tongues. the big hoo-ha on Valentine's Day. Mushy SMS texts. all evidence of how much people are 'in love' with their partners.

but seriously, wat is love? and wat do we do about it when it comes along?

proceeding this sentence would be my personal take on the whole affair and u have the right to maintain ur stance on this. it is a social commentary and not a judgement on any one of you happily-in-love types out there.

**

perfect love casts out all fears.

personally i do feel that the whole Love Hurts proclamation is a fallacy in itself. why should love be painful? why should giving be seen as a form of sacrifice and sweet suffering? this is very strange to me. Love should equate to Joy and Security in all circumstances. Love should not entail any form of rejection, neglect, selfishness, uncertainty or unequal distribution of resources.

the reason why people see pain as part of the whole package is, in my opinion, that they don't realise that they weren't meant to suffer together in the union of two. sure, it is all about giving in, tolerance and accommodation. but it shouldn't suck you dry and hollow at the end.

Giving should be a joyous thing all the time. the source of strength to give is from the fact that the giver lacks nothing emotionally and is secure in who she/he is. giving is a choice, not a mandate. and giving should be out wat you have, and not beyond wat you can offer. giving should build the other person up, while not losing a part of youself in the process.

most of the time giving becomes painful because it is either unrequited or unfruitful. when it becomes tiring to give, and one struggles with it.

essentially it is a matter of how ready is one to give, and whether the right deserving person has come along.

both would stem from the motive of beginning the relationship. albeit the idea of sharing a special bond and chemistry is highly enticing and seems like it's nothing wrong, but the consequences of a rash decision are traumatizing. most people make the mistake of going beyond a platonic friendship too quickly because it 'felt just right' and 'wat can i lose by having a gf/bf now?'

indeed, you will lose a-plenty. for wat is left in the end is an indicator of how it started in the first place.

the loss is even greater when the relationship wasn't how u imagined it to be, for example a lack of effective communication/sharing of thoughts/deep mutual understanding. an imbalance of who's giving and who's not. misunderstandings, possessiveness, disappointment. all these would surface after the so-called 'honey-moon period', which would effectively last for at most 1 year. afterwhich there would be more quarrels than sweet nothings and tears than smiles.

my point is, it is important to guard your heart before giving Love a shot. emotions are deceptive, because they shroud ur better judgment and rational thinking. if u believe that Love is illogical and should just 'go with the flow', then i hope u'll be able to stay 'illogical' thruout the entire period because eventually ur mind will start pointing out to u the inadequacies of the entire affair, and you'll start getting upset for no logical reason.

objectivity is probably the hardest damned thing to practise when it comes to matters of the heart. but it is the single most vital key to choosing the right person to give ur heart to. if ur heart screams YES, and your mind screams NO, perhaps it is better to pause, stop and think properly before making a decision. because once emotions are given, they cannot be taken back. and withdrawing from the emotional bond is harder than wat most people think.

a relationship is meant as an union of two equals in terms of maturity, character and self-sufficiency. then the two partners can complement, build and support each other with mutual respect for each other's identity as a whole person. it is not about two halves coming to become one. because it is impossible for a half to make the other a whole.

hence before saying 'i do' to the person whom ur heart aches with such sweet longing for, think about how 'whole' you are as an individual. wat you would expect out of this relationship. and assess realistically how much you are willing to give. because Love is an all-or-none response, and there is no looking back once you're in it.

so love yourself first. if you do not love yourself enough, then chances are there is no way that ur bf/gf will be able to love you as much as you would need.

**

kudos if you actually read the entire piece above. i've become a very lor-sor grandmama thesis spinning kind of writer these days. but i enjoy being verbose and preachy once in a while all the same. :)

clarity

it's official. trying to study on a weekend (friday night onwards) is essentially futile and senseless.

not that i've happening places to go to and meet happening people and do happening things like bungee jumping off the esplanade and proceed to get impaled halfway thru by the ugly spikes. but it's just a general feeling of mild depression and woefulness that grabs me into inertia.

i'm suicidal on weekends. monday blues are unheard of to me and basically quite absurd. why get so depressed over the start of the week? it only spells fresh beginnings and recharged energy for me to attempt the impossibly long list of notes to mug thru.

but as the tension builds up over the week, frustration gets the best of me and at the end of the week i'm nothing but a blubbering, flubbering piece of emotional wreck-shit. get me out of here, i groan. get me out of the damned school. then i realise i have nowhere else that i'd rather be.

so i sit on the couch, with a takeaway dinner in hand, and stare at the Discovery Travel channel on tv, hoping to cheer myself up by imagining myself at those exotic far far away destinations. or watch a animated movie and pretend that i'm a fairy tale creature in Shrek. but it doesn't really happen too.

Existence can be such a real pain in the arse.

**

u knoe when u're young, like in primary school, it's all pretty helpless. u can't buy something unless ur mom buys it for you. u can't go somewhere unless an adult takes u there. u have no say at all. then suddenly u become a tween and start to form swell ideas of your own. teenhood sets in quickly and voila! u're a miniature adult all of a sudden.

not physically so, of course. but it dawns upon u that u have the right to do wat u want and get away with it. now that's the privilege of being a miniature adult. u are entitled to a mind of your own, and still possess the responsibility-free status of a child. smashing.

but i digress. wat i'm trying to say is that the day when i discovered that the power does lie in my hands was when i could use my pocket money to buy adult meals for myself. say, an entire honey roasted chicken. all sorts of groceries i fancy at the supermarket. no Mommy going 'no u can't eat that/put that down!' that sort of rubbishy rules. i buy wat i want with my pocket money and i shall eat wat i like. how cool is that.

no longer at the receiving end of the dispensing machine. mine, miNE, ALL MINE! i exclaim with maniacal joy.

so the point is, when u have wads of moolah in ur wallet, u have the power. rather silly, i suppose. but very liberating all the same.

it's like, i can decide on wat clothes i wanna wear, wat food i wanna eat, and wat jerk i wanna date! no more listening to illogical adults who dispense useless advice on how to lead my life cos they obviously made the same 'mistakes' when they were younger.

it's strange, innit. parents telling you to do the Right Thing all the time when they did all the Wrong Things themselves in the past. haven't they heard of learning from mistakes? bah.

hence, my resolution for the week ahead : buy chilli crabs and tuck in all by myself.

**

perhaps the next most Adult thing to do would be to get a driving license and scoot around town on my own. damned, i do feel like a kid when i see my frens driving around like that. i can actually drive all the way to thailand if i want to! now that's real adult power.

but let's take things a step at a time. i still like to have my dad order food at the hawker centre while i sit there without having to lift a fingernail. or having my mom iron my clothes and basically take care of stuff for me.

perhaps that's the real deal about being an adult. not about able to do wat u want all the time, but more of being responsible towards people around you and yourself. having to consider consequences. planning the future. now that's the hard part.

closing time

and so my dad will be jetting off to china in a few hours time and even tho i tried to act nonchalant when he asked in his usual guffaw-inducing clownish manner 'so will u miss me? hee hee' i so wanted to say yes, give him a hug and remind him to buy me some perfumes from DFS shop at changi airport. no china barang please.

sigh. the price to pay for being the bitchy daughter. i can't let my guard down and be childish for once because:

1. my family will laugh and tease me till no end
2. my dad will be even more childish than me

that on top of having to deal with recurring bizarre nightmarish thoughts of wat-if-this-is-the-last-time-i'll-see-him-and-i-didn't-tell-him-i-love-him-sob-sob etc. u get the drift. i have a very wild imagination. a very weak heart. and too tough an image to keep.

but of course if u know me really well u'll see thru my silly facade quite easily. like how my sister will snort at random times and roll her eyes at me. or lately she'll just ignore my queen bitch antics. well-done you.

i'll just twiddle my thumbs, pray really hard the next 7 days, and try to call him on his hp. boo hoo hoo.

**

wat makes a friend a close one? the amount of time we've gotten to know each other? background and interests? a good mix of personalities leading to harmonious relationships?

i guess in this time and age, Best Friend is a term either too loosely used, or rarely used. personally, i've no best friends. human, that is. compartmentalization cramps my style sometimes, but i admit i do group my friends into 3 major subtypes.

1. Ambiguous/Indifferent
2. Can Click Pretty Well
3. Won't be Paiseied Even If You See Me At My Ugliest

now of course the last prestigious category (population : 4?) is key, cos i abhor the thought of even showing my unkempt hair, eyeshit laden face, nerdo specs and loud burps to frens who don't fit into the 3rd category because i'm a bimbotic vainpot. i hope you've realised that by now.

(of course my mom, sister, and Jesus are in another special category altogether. the I Will Die Without You category.)

bah. like you'll even care which category you're in. but i don't give a damn! i'll blog lameass stuff all the same hah!

**

goodnite world.

blah.

i have many random thoughts swirling in me head right now, and am in no mood to organize em coherently.

**

i enjoy reading silly blogs written in silly cutesy language to amuse myself. appalling, innit. but it sure beats reading cynical blogs anytime. anti-Humanity is so not in vogue. world peace yo.

-

over the weekend i was convinced by God Almighty that i am going to be a doctor, against all odds. Because i will survive by His grace. yay.

-

am extremely horribly pathetically broke these few weeks. surviving on bare minimum, and even getting extra moolah from mommy didn't help much. all the stupid ezlink card top-ups and photocopying fees. and food expenses. ($6 for a plate of vegetarian beehoon at nuh! yes u heard me right) gahh. i need a sugar daddy.

-

listening to songs of a different language enables me to study better. that is, if i don't begin to be able to sing along after 5 hours of replay mode. that's how i learnt my cantonese anyway.

-

after a long day at school, there's nothing more enjoyable than to plop down in front of the computer monitor and watch a animation movie like Shrek, Monster Inc. hee hee hoo ha ha.

-

after watching Jaws, i realised that the most terrifying thrillers are not those with breathtaking CGI effects. the good ol plain scare will do just fine. think alfred hitchcock, or even those lameass hongkong zombie films. imagine blood gushing out of rusty taps, a palish face with long stringy hair in the mirror reflection, and freddy kruger grinning deviously at you. yikes!

**

nuff of this inane babbling and back to pharmacology revision. whoop-dee-doo.

bowling for columbine

wat is one supposed to do with a burgeoning mole which itches like hell?

i have no idea. melanoma or some sort i suppose. oh much ado bout nothing.

**

the CAS are looming, cher is still going to pose nude for her 60th birthday, and my hair is getting messier by the day. things just don't get any better than this, do they. i won't deny that i'm currently in the 'constipated' mood-phase whereby i have no idea when i'm really happy or when i'm downright effed up.

evry morning i go to school with the End in mind, and that is to go straight home right after lessons end and not stay for a minute longer, lest the suffocating presence smothers me to a weary heap. i'm sure i've said this more than once. but it's still the case. it's tiring being around people. people who are inconsequential. the 'friendships' being pretty much shrouded in ambiguity and indifference.

i put on an act daily. in front of these people. they see me as the loud-mouthed, brash, vulgar, free-spirited, randomly hilarious individual. a few have a better glimpse of who i am inside. but seriously, who cares? who really cares bout wat they think of me, and how i assume how they think of me, and wat i think of them.

wat's important is how i think of myself. so instead of feeling like a major fraud, a tiresome clown or a really confused schizo, i will embrace my entire being, warts and all.

i will forgive myself for being excessively drama-mama to try to garner attention.

i will let go of all the profanities i spewed in front of the people who don't deserve to to subjected to such offense.

i will work on being the person whom God made me to be and deal with my sins a step at a time, believing that i will evolve to be the Real Me eventually. even if it will take me an entire lifetime of misunderstandings, misgivings and misconceptions. cos i only have to answer to myself, and nothing that happens shld demean my worth.

and i will not get angry with those who misjudge me. cos you're not privileged nuff to get to know me in a deeper sense ey. aww.

**

the serious new year resolutions aside, i'm still worried about my cancerous-lookin Mole and hope that it'll just turn out to be a pesky mosquito's nasty doing.

sugarplum fairy

so it took a just few negative words from a senior to throw me completely off-balance and force me to reevaluate my options in life.

'just quit la. quit medicine before it's too late.'

it struck me hard cos firstly i'm kinda weak-willed and easily swayed by wat my frens say. like i chose medicine as my first option cos a close fren said 'don't waste ur results la just give it a shot' and so i did and ended up in the faculty by some weird twist of events and having survived the horrendous first year i'm into a comparatively relaxed year 2 and hence donot harbour any thoughts of manic depression and extreme escapism.

until now.

it's frustrating when u're not one of those individuals who were born with shining talents and know perfectly well that they can excel in their own niche. i'm just yet another jill of all trades mistress of none who is competent in humanities and science subjects alike but not really knowing where my passion really lies in.

moreover i've a penchant to change ambitions every week and that makes me even more confused as to wat i'd really like to pursue in the future.

well, if i eventually choose to stay on in medicine, i'd have no extra time for any other activities except for hospital, books and sleep. i'd have to work 36 hours shifts on alternate days, and 12 hour shifts for the rest of the week. i cannot take leave. i'd have a less-than-expected salary (yes doctors don't get paid very much. it is a fallacy that they do). i'd have a 3-year contract with the hospital, of which if i eventually flunk or screw up i'll have no secured job as a practising doctor.

so it's a glamorous title with a reality that's horridly unappealing. and to think i was like one of the ignorant public who thought that doctors just sit around look at patients and earn big bucks. and now that i'm in the system, i have no idea if i honestly want this thing. there are a lot of sacrifices to be made. imagine, u'd have no time at all for other interests. evry ounce of spare time u'll rather spend it in sweet slumber. that's the stuff that nightmares are made of.

i have another few more months to pray and think this thru. hopefully, my courage will not fail me in either case - whether i choose not to give up or take a leap of faith and venture out into the world of possibilities out there.

spinach is good for you

if i were a lil more tech-savvy i'd have put up a song file and you can view my lovely playground with frank sinatra's Come Fly With Me playin in the background. (no. not some michael buble cover. ugh)

ah well. some things are not meant to be.

**

le pathetique. am stuck in a state of inertia and abhor the very thought of havin to clear reading the sets of lecture notes sitting pretty and organized in my newly labelled files. i'm just satisfied to admire at them really. they look very nice indeed. but the Tragedy (a must in all self-lamenting blog dramas) is that i'm also afflicted with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which leaves me exceedingly drowsy all the time.

-

i slept thru my busride, forgot to get off and ended up at the interchange.

i tried to pry my drooping eyelids open with toothpicks during service.

i knelt down during worship cos i was drifting off into slumber while standing. i met God in my dreams.

i snoozed during prayer.

i sprawled on my couch like a giant cheshire cat unable to move a muscle save for my trusty index finger as i traverse the remote control buttons.

i dozed off at sporadic times during lectures unknowingly. and drool a lil.

i stood motionless at a busy traffic junction in orchard road, refusing to budge, and hoped to catch forty winks on the nearby bench.

-

wat a tiring weekend. wat a blur the world has been.

they shld really set up rest stations. i'd gladly pay 10 bucks just to sleep for an hour or so just to catch up on my beauty sleep. or maybe i just need to smoke some weed to keep myself alive and kickin.

in any case i'd really like to actually stay awake for once and start on revision for the impending CAs of Doom in approximately 3 weeks time. no movies. no tv. no shopping. just me, the table,notes and m&ms. and my beloved tweezers by my pencil case cos tweezing has a therapeutic effect on me. i reckon it's the stinging pain. it diverts attention from the real throbbing pain in my temples.

gahh. why am i onli sober in the wee hours of the night. HELLO. SOMEBODY CLOBBER ME TO UNCONSCIOUSNESS PLEASE.

tsk.

**

a few days ago i discovered that i actually have Cartoon Network on my list of cable tv channels.

that was probably the happiest thing that has happened to me this month. i can almost feel how the eureka guy felt when he made the discovery of his life. whoever he was.

popeye the sailor man is the funniest creature ever. -guffaw-