clarity
it's official. trying to study on a weekend (friday night onwards) is essentially futile and senseless.
not that i've happening places to go to and meet happening people and do happening things like bungee jumping off the esplanade and proceed to get impaled halfway thru by the ugly spikes. but it's just a general feeling of mild depression and woefulness that grabs me into inertia.
i'm suicidal on weekends. monday blues are unheard of to me and basically quite absurd. why get so depressed over the start of the week? it only spells fresh beginnings and recharged energy for me to attempt the impossibly long list of notes to mug thru.
but as the tension builds up over the week, frustration gets the best of me and at the end of the week i'm nothing but a blubbering, flubbering piece of emotional wreck-shit. get me out of here, i groan. get me out of the damned school. then i realise i have nowhere else that i'd rather be.
so i sit on the couch, with a takeaway dinner in hand, and stare at the Discovery Travel channel on tv, hoping to cheer myself up by imagining myself at those exotic far far away destinations. or watch a animated movie and pretend that i'm a fairy tale creature in Shrek. but it doesn't really happen too.
Existence can be such a real pain in the arse.
**
u knoe when u're young, like in primary school, it's all pretty helpless. u can't buy something unless ur mom buys it for you. u can't go somewhere unless an adult takes u there. u have no say at all. then suddenly u become a tween and start to form swell ideas of your own. teenhood sets in quickly and voila! u're a miniature adult all of a sudden.
not physically so, of course. but it dawns upon u that u have the right to do wat u want and get away with it. now that's the privilege of being a miniature adult. u are entitled to a mind of your own, and still possess the responsibility-free status of a child. smashing.
but i digress. wat i'm trying to say is that the day when i discovered that the power does lie in my hands was when i could use my pocket money to buy adult meals for myself. say, an entire honey roasted chicken. all sorts of groceries i fancy at the supermarket. no Mommy going 'no u can't eat that/put that down!' that sort of rubbishy rules. i buy wat i want with my pocket money and i shall eat wat i like. how cool is that.
no longer at the receiving end of the dispensing machine. mine, miNE, ALL MINE! i exclaim with maniacal joy.
so the point is, when u have wads of moolah in ur wallet, u have the power. rather silly, i suppose. but very liberating all the same.
it's like, i can decide on wat clothes i wanna wear, wat food i wanna eat, and wat jerk i wanna date! no more listening to illogical adults who dispense useless advice on how to lead my life cos they obviously made the same 'mistakes' when they were younger.
it's strange, innit. parents telling you to do the Right Thing all the time when they did all the Wrong Things themselves in the past. haven't they heard of learning from mistakes? bah.
hence, my resolution for the week ahead : buy chilli crabs and tuck in all by myself.
**
perhaps the next most Adult thing to do would be to get a driving license and scoot around town on my own. damned, i do feel like a kid when i see my frens driving around like that. i can actually drive all the way to thailand if i want to! now that's real adult power.
but let's take things a step at a time. i still like to have my dad order food at the hawker centre while i sit there without having to lift a fingernail. or having my mom iron my clothes and basically take care of stuff for me.
perhaps that's the real deal about being an adult. not about able to do wat u want all the time, but more of being responsible towards people around you and yourself. having to consider consequences. planning the future. now that's the hard part.
not that i've happening places to go to and meet happening people and do happening things like bungee jumping off the esplanade and proceed to get impaled halfway thru by the ugly spikes. but it's just a general feeling of mild depression and woefulness that grabs me into inertia.
i'm suicidal on weekends. monday blues are unheard of to me and basically quite absurd. why get so depressed over the start of the week? it only spells fresh beginnings and recharged energy for me to attempt the impossibly long list of notes to mug thru.
but as the tension builds up over the week, frustration gets the best of me and at the end of the week i'm nothing but a blubbering, flubbering piece of emotional wreck-shit. get me out of here, i groan. get me out of the damned school. then i realise i have nowhere else that i'd rather be.
so i sit on the couch, with a takeaway dinner in hand, and stare at the Discovery Travel channel on tv, hoping to cheer myself up by imagining myself at those exotic far far away destinations. or watch a animated movie and pretend that i'm a fairy tale creature in Shrek. but it doesn't really happen too.
Existence can be such a real pain in the arse.
**
u knoe when u're young, like in primary school, it's all pretty helpless. u can't buy something unless ur mom buys it for you. u can't go somewhere unless an adult takes u there. u have no say at all. then suddenly u become a tween and start to form swell ideas of your own. teenhood sets in quickly and voila! u're a miniature adult all of a sudden.
not physically so, of course. but it dawns upon u that u have the right to do wat u want and get away with it. now that's the privilege of being a miniature adult. u are entitled to a mind of your own, and still possess the responsibility-free status of a child. smashing.
but i digress. wat i'm trying to say is that the day when i discovered that the power does lie in my hands was when i could use my pocket money to buy adult meals for myself. say, an entire honey roasted chicken. all sorts of groceries i fancy at the supermarket. no Mommy going 'no u can't eat that/put that down!' that sort of rubbishy rules. i buy wat i want with my pocket money and i shall eat wat i like. how cool is that.
no longer at the receiving end of the dispensing machine. mine, miNE, ALL MINE! i exclaim with maniacal joy.
so the point is, when u have wads of moolah in ur wallet, u have the power. rather silly, i suppose. but very liberating all the same.
it's like, i can decide on wat clothes i wanna wear, wat food i wanna eat, and wat jerk i wanna date! no more listening to illogical adults who dispense useless advice on how to lead my life cos they obviously made the same 'mistakes' when they were younger.
it's strange, innit. parents telling you to do the Right Thing all the time when they did all the Wrong Things themselves in the past. haven't they heard of learning from mistakes? bah.
hence, my resolution for the week ahead : buy chilli crabs and tuck in all by myself.
**
perhaps the next most Adult thing to do would be to get a driving license and scoot around town on my own. damned, i do feel like a kid when i see my frens driving around like that. i can actually drive all the way to thailand if i want to! now that's real adult power.
but let's take things a step at a time. i still like to have my dad order food at the hawker centre while i sit there without having to lift a fingernail. or having my mom iron my clothes and basically take care of stuff for me.
perhaps that's the real deal about being an adult. not about able to do wat u want all the time, but more of being responsible towards people around you and yourself. having to consider consequences. planning the future. now that's the hard part.
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