a sorta fairytale

on most days i'd feel pretty - pretty ugly that is. like my entire body is bogged down by water retention and flabby bits pokin out here and there. like how xx would put it, 'i feel f**kin fat!!'

it's a curse. a superfluous, retarded and venomous curse. one that never really goes away. even till age 55 when such things shouldn't even matter anymore.

**

it's a curious feeling to be in school. ain't fervent enthusiasm, neither is it hopeless despondence. a sense of indifference possibly, seemingly distant and annoyingly necessary.

in short, i wanna be there yet i don wanna. i have to be there yet i don have to. it clutches at my feet enticingly, with disguised threats of knowledge deluding me lest i stage a rebellion with my absence.

so i wriggle in my seat, pray for the minutes to fly by speedily, and run back to my lil cave once it's all over. saved by the bell.

**

watched the Secret Window today. sylvia commented that i'd probably pay 200 bucks just to watch Johnny Depp dig his honkers. that's not entirely true. i'd happily throw in another 100 bucks for that gleaming piece of Depp nose shit as well.

let's just say that Life can kiss my arse when it comes to movie ratings. johnny depp movies are all good, y'hear me. wat's with that 2-star rating. un-charismatic, un-talented, ugly actors like tom cruise and matt damon are not worth anyone's money.

seriously, why can't all movies be acted by johnny depp? the world will be a better place for all to live in.

oh right. we can't have him playing Shrek can we. hmm.

**

i'm simply too lazy to change the spacing and do the paragraphing for my previous sickeningly long entries below. it's the damned template. so do yourself a favour and practise reading ridiculously verbose pieces of literature (as you would most certainly find in your textbook readings anyway) by using those entries as a guide. at least they're most interesting, innit.

once lost and now am found

if you're startin to feel uncomfortable with my pictures by now, well it's a good thing. cos you shld be. wat began as innocent doodling morphed into pictorial expressions that conveyed morbidity and negativity, somethin that wasn't a deliberate intention or of calculated motives.


put in simple terms, it was spurious, spontaneous and not to be taken seriously. they were supposed to be whimsical, but turned out to be rather depressing, innit.


so we're done with that! and now i have nothin more to say. writer's block, i'd reckon. life has settled into a nice routine, and i'm happy.


-does a little tapdance-


if pain and sorrow are the greatest inspirations for great literature, then i'm glad that my words are running out.

i could eat you up 

fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars 

musicology

and so my new hair resembles that of a hybrid of a 80s throwback punk, a very confused butch and the Esplanade. hmm. hopefully that equations to s-p-u-n-k-y. and hence i shall try my best not to worry excessively about lookin remotely masculine.

i find myself askin (or wanting to ask) evryone this question all the time :

"What is your point?"
(with one arm akimbo the other stretched outwards in a shoving position)

person talks too loudly in class. what is your point?
person throws a hand grenade at me. what is your point?
person secretly peeps at the mating lizards on the wall. what is your point?
person rants manically bout inane stuff like a jacko wacko. what is your point?

so on and so forth.

**

i'm beginning to panic ever-so-slightly about revision and schoolwork. evryone seems to be taking things at a leisurely pace. or is it just my imagination workin overtime again? yes i believe it is so. so if you will excuse me i will proceed to cram 2 more sentences that make no sense whatsoever to my bleary grey matter, just so that i'll feel better and concuss sweetly tonight.

pfft. 

fee fi fo fum

tomorrow is the day i'm actually going to a school event other than a microbiology lecture. a glitzy affair named Dinner and Dance in actual fact. theme : Mafia.

utter stupidity. i wonder why i even agreed to go in the first place. taking chances, giving new things a try, i've done it all. but only when my gut instinct prompts me strongly to. but this time around, i just haven't the foggiest idea why i'm going. cos my very initial response was just one of no-freakin-way.

it baffles me why some of my classmates are spending so much money on new suit, new dress, new accessories, for some 3-hour event that doesn't even have a pageant at least to show off the clothes. isn't it more challenging to spend the least amount of money and most amount of creativity to come up with an one-of-a-kind outfit that actually suits the Mafia theme? instead of wanting to play it safe and pick an outfit off the rack. but that's just the nit-picky me talkin.

i guess the main reason why i'm so sian bout the entire affair is the elaborate preparation that has to be done beforehand. it ain't fun when it ain't spontaneous, baby. and it's all very make-believe. very pretend-pretend. and did i mention the very fact that i actually spent 80 plus bucks on this thing?! including the ticket money of course. and it's the bare minimum already. (i spent 3 bucks on a belt from This Fashion for my outfit).

oh well. maybe it's just me. hard to get me psyched up for anything, really. i'm like antisocial + jaded to the power of 1000 or somethin.

hands to heaven

i've always had a problem with cussing. and it's getting worse by the day. doesn't help when my conscience is duly pricked by a most wonderful and innocent girl (i'm not being sarcastic. i really appreciate her) who sits next to me and is subjected to the blasphemy pouring forth from my stinker of a mouth. honestly, i feel terrible. but it feels so damn natural. i say it without giving a second thought for even a split millisecond.

maybe it's cos i'm beginning to hate school already. how mature of me, innit. to be repulsed at the thought of having to sit thru hours of extremely boring lectures and facing people i don't really like.

come to think of it, i have no bloody idea why i develop such animosity towards certain people so easily. in fact, my motto in the socializing arena used to be 'u're an asshole unless proven otherwise'. the situation's much better now, and i'm trying not to judge people. cos that's horridly childish, pointless and unprofessional.

but somehow, breeding hatred seems to be the most perfect and easiest way to build up my personal defence system. an ammunition of some kind. (hail Mindy the impregnable fortress! aka the Ice-cold Bitch) but it shouldn't be this way at all. it's completely illogical. if u know me better i'm such a friendly being. can't explain for the way i am, but most certainly am tryin my darndest best to cease irresponbile slanderous insults bout those who get on my nerves. the key word is TRYING.

**

i hate school. i really do. it's not so much of the lessons cos they're actually interesting and i'm quite alright in my revision schedule. but the insecurities are creepin up on me again. i still don't quite feel that i belong. can't fit in. but it's not like i yearn to have a posse behind me while we sashay into the canteen en masse. no, it's not like that.

perhaps i've always been a lone ranger. i was the only one from my pri sch class to go to nanyang. the only one from my sec sch class to go to national jc. the one of the only two who went to medicine in nus from my jc class.

so looks like i've a tendency to avoid the strength-in-numbers game. don't like being in a mainstream clique at all. it's so american high-school. why can't evryone just mix around and be floaters?

yes yes mindy stop being so idealistic and work on being more sociable. u're just becoming a world-weary, self-piteous whiner!

**

God i need some time alone to get over this.

wild horses

on a day like this when my hormones are runnin wild, i tend to sink into a lovely hollow of despondence and cynicism.

but perhaps this is the only time when i yearn to pursue much-needed solitude. tho not physically, since i'm stuck in school with hordes of humans evryday, but more of an emotional isolation. delineating my boundaries with all acquaintances and casual friends. reducing my goofy grin to that of a waned smile. ceasing all bitchy behaviour that entertains.

in short, i become Me again.

it's like an epiphany. suddenly i realise how much i've been sapped of my energy by people around me. simply can't go on 'socializing' anymore. or rather, 'interaction' would be more apt. right now, i'd just like some peace and quiet (how cliche) to recharge inner strength, or familiar company with longtime friends, laced heavily with comfortable silence please.

do i thrive on loneliness? definitely not. but at this instant, i wish i could just hide in my cave all day without having to say another obligated hi to someone whom i don't really care about again. and i know that neither does she/he really care bout me either. but that's okay.

at the end of the day, i can only go running back to Him.

a woman's worth

on most days, i'd like to think that women are improved versions of homosapiens, since God made us after the men. so of course, God being God, He'd most certainly made us more adept in certain ways.

the most obvious example would be that women possess complex emotions. so perhaps this is why i detest having to describe my mood in overtly simplistic personality tests. (happy? sad? angry?)

well, let's just say that i'm nostalgically joyful tinged with a slight hint of melancholy, edged with underlying bitterness and a sharp dose of pain.

for men, it's a pretty simple affair, the emotions game. there's no rollercoaster rides, no hybrids, no venn diagrams where feelings overlap. only mutually exclusive classes of emotions. they occur all at the same time, but more likely one after the other, with long intervals of lull in between. e.g: (note: in the following order of events)

"warlao eh referee kayu!" this would be ANGER.

"man, this mee goreng damn shiok." this would be PLEASURE.

"fwah. hot stuff ah that babe!" this would be HORNY.

and most of the time, guys are pretty placid and easy-going creatures. u don't see em going around with sullen faces, incomprehensible demeanours and crazy mood swings. basically, u can easily tell how the guy is feelin by wat he says and how he acts. wat u see is wat u get. of course, unless he is one of those drama-queen metrosexual type then we must foray deeper into another aspect of the analysis.

for girls, it's excruciatingly complicated. just be lookin at her, u can never guess wat the woman is thinking or feeling, cos the two is often contradictory. like, she may look all dandy on the outside, but she could actually be feelin rather suicidal and engage in self-mutilation in the toilet.

she may also complain that she looks like shit today, but most likely she's pretty damn confident of her new killer heels and is just waiting for you to tell her this:

"no la, where got? u look chio today wat. hey nice heels by the way!"

then she'll still continue to sulk, stomp her feet, whine bout her fat thighs, invisible cellulite and insist that her 24-inch waist is expanding to that of lydia sum's proportions. but secretly, evry cell in her body is jiggling with delight and gloating gloriously.

or you could ask her how she is lately. then she'll say that she's okay lah fine thank you. when u thought that that's it, she'll throw you a i-don't-wanna-say-but-well-IF-you-wanna-know... look, and a meaningful stare that strongly hints for you to probe further.

nonchalance on the exterior, but really pure misery and loneliness that's dying to burst forth and smother you in her sob stories and lamentations bout the unfairness of Life, jerkass ways of her boyfriend, and that bitch of a salesgirl who handed her a L size skirt instead of an M.

of course, these are just frivolous examples. the more basic ones. when u delve deeper into the mysterious psyche of us femme fatales (yes, even that mousy lookin girl in the library), you'll realise that we're made of emotions. in out left right centre up down, full of em. and they're so abundant,rich, colourful and all mixed-up. thus, the aura that we emanate. be careful, it could kill you a mile away.

so handle us with care, won't you? will do you a hell lotta good.

R.E.A.L

i'm mean
i'm vain
i'm biased
i'm superficial
i'm condescending
i'm foul-mouthed
i'm arrogant
i'm greedy

i'm perfect.

breaking up is hard to do

the pic on the left is deathly gorgeous, innit. well at least i think so. perhaps a lil offensive, but it's all good. depends on how you see it.

the point of this entry is to recommend a new jazz singer i really like now. she's all of fifteen, mind you. follow the link and check her out for yourself, dahlings.

brightyoungthing

WHAM!

there are hell lotta emo-manic-depressive-bitchy-gloomy blogs out there nowadays, have u noticed? sure, there's the other end of the balance where we have the colourful blog playgrounds where the birds are mating and sunflowers are singing.

but it seems like it's a major trend now. to rant and complain bout evry teeny weeny itty bitty issue in the whole wide world. in ALL of their entries. and in a very acerbic, caustic and dry humour kinda way of course. those bloggers must be feelin really clever right now.

delusional twits.

well it's tiring, innit. to read all those negative stuff. like onli shit comes out of their mouths or somethin. black shit at that. so to counter-attack all the gloominess loomin in the world today (as if the AIDS epidemic and George Bush's bad hairdo ain't enough), i shall tell you wat has made me happy lately! right.

i made some dosh from selling old clothes on yahoo auctions. hoho. quite some dosh actually. and the stuff are sellin p-r-e-t-t-y fast, not unlike hotcakes and mango racerback tops. damn, i'm good.

right wat else.
uh
err
ok so i guess that's about it. hmm

somehow i believe that me and inky are the only med students who took economics in jc. prove me wrong? hah. this means we have an edge over the pure sciency people. we knoe all about the lean mean moolah-making world out there. we can interpret economic statistics. we will suck u high and dry.

touche

sometimes i wonder why in the world is someone like me being condemned to a life of banality in med school for the next 10 years.

isn't a young adult like me supposed to have moved out of my parents' house and live independently in a one-room apartment with bad plumbing and runaway cockroaches?

begin an exciting new life in some funky college, actively participating in all sorts of extracurricular activities and become Miss Over-achiever?

study terribly interesting subjects like theatre, philosophy, arts and archaeology? and hook up with the cute professor at that?

drive my own car to the macdonalds drive-in all by myself?

sport a tongue stud, purple hair, and garishly outlandish clothes without a heck to the prim and proper folks?

engage in adventurous extreme sports like skydiving, paragliding, and downing 10 flaming lamborghinis in one shot?

--

as u can see, i haven't done quite many things as yet.

so how can i possibly resign to my fate of slogging my prime years away amidst the piles of medical notes, endless hours of hospital shifts, and the sealed destiny of marrying an equally no-life hermit like me and raise 3 noisy kids at that. complete with an east coast penthouse, a husky, 2 maids, a heated swimming pool and regular Botox injections.

--

sigh. looks like it's tough times ahead mate.

sunny island set in the sea

it has been a while folks.

**

suddenly at the grand old age of 20, i've developed a Compulsive Car-gazing Syndrome. no, not that people-watching don't interest me anymore. but these automobiles, they seduce me into believing vehemently that most possibly, in the near future, my supposed hefty paychecks will ensure me a lifetime of travelling in style.

my dream car, u might enquire?

a shiny black Maserati Quattroporte.

did u really think i'd settle for an ordinary vehicle easily found on our roads? like, a mazda? or a bmw? please.

**

i have a serious phobia of hair. yes, those keratinized strands that u may be lackin in certain spots on ur head.

i can't stand em on the bathroom floor at the gutter area, in twisted, soggy piles. for example, in a dirty wet 'toilet' in JB.

i can't stand em long on inconsiderate females/males who swish their locks around, or have them flowing over the seat rest in front of me. it's worse when u see flecks of unidentified stuff in those bushes of hair. ugh.

and i can't stand em wiry and curly, lying in the weirdest places. say, the classroom table. i wonder wat in the world had happened there to result in obscene deposits of hair from the nether regions.

hair today, gone tomorrow.

**

most people would choose to eat watever they feel like eating, correct? say, a dieting lamppost of a girl would decide that she'd partake in 6 slices of cucumber and 2 slices of tomato plus a bottle of laxatives and Xando, because she feels like eating those things.

but i don't. i eat solely for the purpose of nutrition.

sure, i have cravings for fried stuff and chocolates come evry other day. but most of the time, i'd make sure i ingest the right amounts of carbo, protein, fibre, vitamins(yes, A,B,C,D the lot), calcium, zinc, iodine, fats etc. evryday. doesn't matter if the food tastes good or not.

if i have a bowl of oatmeal, i'd make sure i'll have an egg and cheese as well. just for the sake of making sure i have some protein. not like i felt like eating it.

but it's not a torture, really. cos i'd eat watever that's fed to me. whether is it spinach or intestines. only make sure that there're at least 6 grams of protein in that bowl of tofu, please.

**

i saw a cute eurasian edison chen deadringer driving a yellow mini cooper on the road that day.

i saw an astonishingly dashing baker at breadtalk, sexily kneading the dough with such serious intent.

i saw a charming indian-chinese student from millenia institute with cherubic face and even more cherubic brown curls for hair.

--

did they see me too?

**

stand up for singapore, do the best you can!

YES YOU. you lazy, indifferent, ungrateful person sitting right there, bemoaning bout how Singapore is a darn horrible place to live in, and the government is nothing but a money-sucking organisation out to rob u of Freedom and a life.

u're reading a pro-PAP supporter's blog right now. so those of you with radical political ideas or armed with plans to bomb the Istana, BEGONE!

either you change your ridiculously narrow-minded thinking that singapore's a boring, restricted, unexciting, anal, insert-insult-of-choice-they're-all-lousy-anyway country (Freedom is all in the MIND, geddit), and you can't wait to get out of it, OR just go away. why don't you. stop wasting our already limited resources by whining all day. we can't recycle your bucketloads of saliva into Newater.

**

Happy National Day!

Lost in You

...and so i watched Love Actually. again.

bloody shit, i cried. again. poor ol sappy me.

**

rodrigo santoro is perfect, in evry aesthetic sense. in case u didn't knoe, he's the guy who almost laid laura linney, if not for those stupid phonecalls.

but hey, who's complaining?

delectable 

damn. i'm boring

i don't do this often. in fact, i detest having nothin interesting to blog about. but hell, i need to sort out the bloody list of things that are to be done before school starts.

I, Loser.

anyway, here goes:

1. shave my legs. yes i am hairy. so are you.
2. exfoliate. finally (so much for trying to stick to my home spa schedule)
3. buy hair wax. more hair wax. more.
4. change my toe nail colour
5. create at least 20 more mix-&-match getups out of my limited wardrobe - then again, i always wear the same old stuff
6. do something bout my vengeful zits. pubescence KISS MY ASS
7. buy new stationery
8. finally, get my textbooks

well, the list goes on actually. but i am about to run away buttnaked with shame with all this mundane, boring, pointless to-do lists that some bloggers are so good at. (ooh, i need to buy this skirt, that earrings, those cds, blah blah blah)

watever.

see how the textbook-buying is at the bottom of my list? i'm getting better with the whole priority-setting business.

i'm just a fluffbrain, ditzy, hopelessly vain bimbo at heart, darling. *smoochie smooch smooch*