it really puts things into perspective, doesn't it. the catastrophe that renders evry single one of us exceedingly helpless and besides mourning over the horrendous loss of lives and contributing to the humanitarian efforts, there isn't much we can do at all.

my whining about trivial and inconsequential matters should cease right now. and the feeling of despair over things we cannot have and cannot handle. since they can all be robbed from us in an instant, maybe we ought to give thanks for even these problems that are not of utmost importance to survival, but make life worth living.

i choose to believe that God is still fair and He is still good. even tho it is difficult and seemingly absurd. because His purpose cannot be seen by human eye, but only shown in time. we can only pray for the victims.

and for the rest of us, thank God that He is a God who cares for our emotions and inner struggles, even when we unwittingly, or sometimes willingly, choose to imprison ourselves in them and obliterate the bigger problems of the world out there.

finding neverland

i am DEVASTATED.

there are stretch marks appearing on my left calf! (is that wat you call the damn thing). no no i don mean my pet baby cow, my lower leg! BAH.

i'm disfigured. i thought i'd put on weight anywhere EXCEPT my freakin calves cos they're not supposed to. wat ever happened to bloody genetics?! i'm supposed to have inherited skinny calves! damnation.

a fate worse than failing all 3 CAs in a row. my legs are positively fugly right now. excuse me while i climb the petronas twin towers for the next year or so.

please let me know if i can make these scars go away without the aid of exercise. i really have no time for that. to think i walked so much the last few days during shopping in bangkok and mango sale. all lies. i need a miracle cream.

**

okay enough of this. shall hide my legs in kungfu pants and trudge to school to study for the ANNOYING CAS on the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

happy new year indeed.

love for all seasons

wat's there not to like about bangkok? or thailand for that matter.

the people are shockingly goodlookin and downright friendly & patient. the food is good and cheap. it's a shopping heaven (let's not go into details of how much i spent). there's so much to see and do. and my fave bellboy is still workin at the only hotel i'll ever stay in bangkok.

plus, the thais love their dogs. the thai king has over a hundred stray dogs in his palace. now, a country that has more dog-lovers than cat-lovers (eew) can't be bad at all.

in a nutshell, i'd like to marry a thai please. and live there for the rest of my life. never come back again.

happy holidays y'all. mine's gonna be dreary now that i'm back in singapore.

finders keepers

after the tears, comes the peace.

**

i can't say for sure that i'm absolutely settled within to go for the trip (which is just one matter amongst the many others swirling in me head right now), but as wat they always say, "don't worry be happy" so i promise myself that i will do my best and let God do the rest.

to my aunties who are going with me to bkk : let's just have faith and not worry incessantly about wat's gonna happen cos believe me, we can make it work. it's all up to us really. be more accommodating, understanding, give-&-take, not having our way all the time.. the works. for it's not only just a shopping trip, but also a chance to build our friendship onto a higher level and a test that we're gonna pass brilliantly, yes? yes.

and did i mention that i'm jolly glad that my sis is back? praise the Lord.

as always, i live Life in the short-run and the upcoming CAs are nothing but a figment of my distant imagination (?!), just a blurry mirage.

right. okay folks, pray for me and for world peace. no i'm serious. much love

far far away

and so the day's finally almost a-comin, the day i leave for bangkok in hope of new inspiration, new excitement, and most hopefully a new life thereafter.

the amazing things a short trip out of the country can do for u. i shld do this sorta thing more often.

not having me sis around for 10 days is turnin me into a basketcase. first i keep sleepin my days away, hoping to shoo away the loneliness abit. i watch and rewatch cartoons like shrek and monsters inc on me comp (gingerbread man reminds me of her). then i start having peculiar fantasies about havin a boyfriend/husband/sugardaddy. and now i want to have a dog. bah. fortunately she's comin home right about tomorrow and i can finally end this nonsensical affair.

so for all of u lonely folks out there, don't make rash foolish decisions. always ask ur parents first before doin anything stupid that u'll regret later.

wat a supreme coincidence, that my jc friend daryll (is that how ur name is spelt?) is takin the same flight to bangkok on the same day at the same time! now i finally have time to catch up with him, over a 2 hour flight without inflight entertainment. nice.

there's a whole load of stuff to do before leavin, despite it being a very short trip. responsibilities responsibilities. maybe one day i shld just drop em all and let things take their own course, see how it all works out without me in the end, and that the world will still be spinning without my hand in the mechanics. then i'll finally realise that i'm really quite dispensable. but before i could develop such a hippie carefree attitude, i'll still be the worrywart that i am.

**

i like to consider carefully the motives of certain decisions before actually carrying them out. perhaps i do listen to my head more than my heart. somehow i don't trust my heart very much. it always fails me and then my liver takes the abuse after that.

heh kiddin

okay no presents for you! i'm gonna be a selfish cupcake and buy evrything for myself. merry xmas indeed.

bizarre love triangle

we live in troubled times, of terrorism child pornography dance dance revolution, the usual lot of catastrophes. signs that spell the end of times. but wat bothers me most are the lies that we're spinning for ourselves in evry mundane daily thing we do. how we see people. the way we talk. the standards that we set for ourselves.

for example, i think that females get it the worst. i feel it the most when i watch reality shows like Next Top Model and see all these drop-dead gorgeous girls getting all insecure with their looks, personality and worth as individuals. ok, so yoanna lost 60 pounds and emerged as the winner. wow wat a cool girl. but wait a minute, she also became nothing but a bag of bones in the end and i do hope that the extra baggage of Fame and Glamour won't break her skinny frame. poor thing, having to keep up with appearances so that she can achieve her goal of gracing the catwalk for er, another 3 years? big deal. -BITCH ALERT-

i'm poisoned in my brain. in one cerebral hemisphere i'm rationalizing the fact that there are onli 8 women in the world out of a million who look like supermodels and it is normal to have some flab. i don't need to look like that to prove my worth. c'mon, i'm in med sch. rrriigghhht. then the other evil hemisphere taunts me mockingly "but u still have a fat butt. boo hoo hoo"

wat am i trying to say? well, the thing is, the world is contradicting itself by the second. now they're sayin be normal! trash that fad diet! see, even drew barrymore loves her burgers! and then they show u size 0 models clad in impossibly small clothes on female magazines, advising you on how to achieve that "ultimate spring/summer fashion look!" or that "smoky eyes you've always wanted!"

uh. but if i make my eyes any smokier i'd have slits for eyes? and erm, i don't think i can exactly fit into that tiny yellow number there.

wat's more, FHM magazine goes on to splash a bikini-clad girl with sickeningly flat abs and big boobs on its cover and there goes the catchy headlines "HOT DAMN! Sizzle up that sex life now! pages of hot babes inside!"

ooer wat do you know. not only i'm flabby jelly mindy i'm also a sexually-unattractive blimp. spell L-O-S-E-R. sob, i'll never get a husband now.

NOT.

but of course that's just only one lie. stupid shit telling people that chat hotlines enables you to hook up with many girls at once (for the socially impaired hermits), buying nike and adidas products makes you invincible, mothers can and should lose their excess post-partum weight, singapore is top in many aspects of global competition (and in the ego department too), and sylvester sim is the next jay chou (bah!). when was the last time you thought about wat you've been hearing, watching and talking about? are they the truth that you want to believe in?

so weird, the way we tell each other lies and believe in them. seriously, you've got nothing to lose if you wanna 'be different' and go against the multitudes. since someone would eventually take notice of your errant behaviour and say "wow that's way cool!" and there u have it, u're a trend-setter urself!

okay nuff with that. excuse me while i reflect on wat i've ate today and proceed to compare myself with another girl friend. "oh my gawd i ate sooo much today u wouldn't believe it! i'm turning into an elephant i tell you"
-crosses fingers that she ate much more than me-

i sure am in a ranty mood tonight.

**

sometimes i feel terribly guilty inside that i talk to my father like, once in a million years and the only time is when i ask him for money. on other days, i ignore him completely. it's so hard to try to think of somethin to say and i get so darn irritated when he asks me the same question for 5 days running, just so he could make conversation.

one day, the loneliness will kill him. and i'll be eaten up by my own unfounded rage.

i pray to surrender all these to God. i need the strength and will. and i only blame myself.

for the first day of xmas my sweetie gave to me - a packet of bak kwa

ah my precioussss... 


tho i don like blue very much this is a lovely template innit.

i'm in a blogging inertia lately. or rather, i'm in an inertia for most things since i sleep about 16 hours evryday and spend onli the wee hours awake.

there is much to look forward to tho. bangkok next sat. xmas celebrations. the new year. 21st birthday. mango sale. eloping with my dashing french lover (i wish).

speakin of bkk, it's my first time going on a trip with my aunties tho i've known them for 7 years already. i'm glad i'm going with them. in fact, i can't imagine myself travelling with anybody else but them. y'know with close friends there's no stress at all and i can basically be the silly goose or tantrum princess (kiddin) i want. plus we can talk all day in chinese and nobody will give me the queer look like i've just stepped off a junk boat from hainan island.

best of all, my sister is going yayy. and she downloaded Alice in Chains songs i wonder why.

anyway, the poster for charlie and the chocolate factory movie by my most favorite director Tim Burton is out! as u can see above. spectacular. fantastico. smashing.

Tim Burton is brilliant. he's the only director who makes whimsical, fairytale-like movies with a macabre twist in our time. actually, all fairytales have some sort of a twisted nature. take hansel and gretel for example. a witch who fattens children and eats them roasted? hannibal lector style? eeww. or sleeping beauty. the prince who had to kiss a princess who's been sleepin for the last 100 years and probably has the stinkiest breath ever or fungi growing on her puckers.

roald dahl books are rather grim too. Witches, for example, scared my panty hoses off. and they're brilliant anyway. try his books for older children and be chilled to yer bones.

since i love sinister, weird shit like that, my fave fairytale would have to be rumpelstiltskin. if you don't knoe that one, or any other traditional fairytales that everyone should know (and I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT HARRY POTTER), please do yourself a favour and pick up grimms or andersen fairytale story books by penguin for a meagre price and join the club.

and cos i love my readers so much, all you ten billion forty-five hundred thousand three hundred and ninety-six punks out there, i'll be more than happy to share with you a snippet of Tim Burton's wonderful world of the sick sad and tragic characters.

go to this webbie : the melancholy death of the oyster boy

by the way, good ol Tim drew the illustrations too. yummy.

and of course, the father of all macabre tales would be Edward Gorey. go to the webbie below and sample one of his books, The Gashlycrumb Tinnies. if you like it, why don't you get one of his fine books and buy me a copy for xmas eh. c'mon, be nice.

the gashlycrumb tinnies

okay run along now. i'm gonna watch Sleepy Hollow for the ninth time.

heigh-ho

okay so i reckon it's about time that i get my act together. altho nothing on the external has changed much, i need to renew on the inside. besides, being gloomy is kinda tiring sometimes, especially when evryone starts asking you how are you ah are you ok and you feel obliged to put on a sigh-i-don't-know expression so that you won't let the other party down.

sometimes i feel like i'm talking to myself here but it's okay!

my sis has left for cambodia. i'm having a great time with my mummy and aunties. it's more fun being happy after a long period of being sad because it just spices things up more abit around here innit.

well, school still sucks shit tho. too bad i can't change anything about it. but i can scoot home once it ends.

and no more comments here. i dunno how to put it up. well, if you've got anything to say just come and tell me in sch. if it's something nasty you can squeeze ur stress ball to vent ur frustrations or somethin.

i do the weirdest poses - at the airport 

mustafa 

sunshower

i grasp at the nothingness around me, attempting to reconcile the intangibles and the tangibles. my worldly belief system held stubbornly thruout my life, and the divine Truth. wat i should do, and wat i want to do.

the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

words are cheap and easy to dispense. yet am still unable to mean wat i say and say wat i mean. the tirade bursts forth viciously and don't stop till it runs over my loved ones in its path. till their hearts are left bleeding and broken. and i can only mourn over the pieces that i cannot pick up.

my emotions and thoughts, they refuse to be bridled. choosing to wander away like wild horses today. i wonder where they're going and when they're coming back.

the carelessness of it all is intoxicating though. perhaps, i've lost the battle for now.

i am sorry, God.

the days ahead are to be lived in the short-run. in the safety of silence and self-preservation. to sit and stare. to stop and feel. to wait for the dust to settle.

loneliness is nothing but a figment of the imagination.

**

you don't have to put yourself in my shoes and try to untangle the mess for me. because you can't. please, hold your peace. let's just leave it at this.

paint the silence

waking up is so hard to do.

where can i run away to?

noone is listening.

in the end i am still alone.

my mind is all messed up.

i am so tired.

lose my breath

perhaps xx was right all along. nobody really ever gives a big fat bloody damn bout anyone.

**

anyway, today was traumatizing. the lectures i mean. if u like blood sex and gore, do drop in anytime. u'll be duly satisfied. after that nauseating video clip of that half-naked woman jiggling her butt at 100 times per sec (yes in our lecture powerpoint slides), i'm pretty sure someone would just start wanking in class some day, judging from the hoots and cheers. it's our raging hormones and stuff.

and the repulsive laughter at unfortunate patients didn't cease today. not surprising. wat, were u expecting sniffling noses and teary eyes from coolheaded future doctors who don't bat an eyelid at images of ulcerated penises and gangrenous limbs? please. leave ur emotions at the door and let the nurses do the sayanging.

singapore idol finals tonight. the perfect excuse to meet up with my aunties and pretend i'm not a very stressed up medical student for about 6 hours. i've a strong desire to skip school till next year. go climb nepalese mountains or eat fried crickets or somethin. anything, just to get away.

**

i really enjoy reading blogs by polytechnic students. somehow, they seem to have more interesting things to talk about apart from mundane school life, jay chou concerts, and the best brand of pimple cream to use. it's like, they're really living Life the way it should be lived. or somethin.

maybe i've been caged for the longest time ever and it's starting to run low on oxygen in here.