this week has been excruciatingly difficult to get by. ended up skipping classes for 2 days straight (today and tomorrow). the pharmaco test on saturday is inconsequential. just feelin a tad dismal.

this weekend's gonna be lonely, with everyone off to bangkok. i just want them to come back soon.

Still.

when the oceans rise and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the floods

i will be still, and know You are God.

the weekend has come early for me. funky friday it is, and i've decided that i've had enough of school and its exhausting demands. despite the depressing thought of having to study like a mad dog, i look forward to spending some quality family time.

for some unknown reason, it's especially hard for me to open up genuinely to anyone right now. although it's obvious that people around me can tell that i'm unhappy and want to listen, it's just beyond me to share. feels as if my worries and troubles are eluded even from myself, and the emotions are impossible to be crystallized into words that actually mean something. besides, after all that's happened lately, i truly understand what it means by 'words are cheap'.

yes, words are cheap indeed.

am slipping into pensive and depressed mode, though not brinking upon self-destruction or lamentations or anything like that. not the drama mama way. but just... very tired of everything that's going on. helpless, even. the wheel keeps on turning, the world continues to revolve, the days pass by relentlessly - yet i wish that i can just be completely still in the midst of these.

to pause, so that i can breathe. to know exactly where i am. earth to mindy.

it amazes me how some individuals are able to do what they have to do every single day - without the burdens of emotional lethargy. the 101 reasons i give myself when i don't feel like doing anything today. while to these people, they're just silly excuses which are absolutely incomprehensible.

where is their motivation coming from? are they just functioning like machines? have no idea.

these are the people who will get far in Life. since pretty much nothing can distract them from what they need and have to accomplish.

i think too much, maybe. and get myself into unnecessary trouble at times with authorities who attempt to dictate my activities for the day.

but it's ok. it's ok, really.

gastronomic fantasies

i have this insatiable craving for popiah lately, and eat it at every opportunity i've got. reckon that the only way to stop this insane obsession is to eat 10 at one sitting. hence my next conquest shall be the popiah buffet.

it was sashimi for the longest longest time and was finally satisfied at Hanabi restaurant. absolutely orgasmic experience.

xx, remember we still have chocolate buffet. or maybe we could substitute it with this popiah affair, since we're both perpetually -ahem- eating healthily.

and auntie ilynn, GENKI sushi after your KL trip.

tis a bad Monday! a horrid start to a horrid 4-week posting at NUH! can't you tell i'm oh-so-depressed already. till i have to blog about the things i can eat during weekends/after tests so that i can feel a wee bit happier.

sigh.

such are the stuff humans are made of : pride, envy, greed, anger, sloth, lust.

all these intertwine to create the intricacies of human dynamics. we struggle to find the perfect balance between these sins and the (supposed) innate virtues we possess, and often find ourselves confused about our own emotions.

if i am truly a good person, then why am i burdened by this sharp stab of malice thru my heart? worst still, i stab my friend a thousand times more with these evil thoughts of mine. do they belong to me, or just a work of the Devil?

unable to reconcile how i feel and what i know to be the Truth, i run away not before leaving spiteful words of unknown rage. what for? you ask. since Guilt has already plagued me, then Regret should follow and displayed in my attitude. but the more ashamed i am, the more frustration can get the better of me. not to mention the ever-still-present desire to seek a lil personal revenge on my poor friend.

am i making sense? tend to lose myself in the attempt to elucidate these complexities.

but the truth is, only the Truth shall set me free.

jagged lil pill

today is one of the worst days i've had in a long long time.

period.

funny how tired i am these days. fell asleep just like that in a busy clinic while waiting for tutorial, complete with a lil dribble and head-bobbing. must have been quite a sight.

hardly philosophical nor deeply thoughtful nowadays, tho i entertain certain emotions and opinions of a less superficial nature fleetingly and choose to bury them at an infantile stage within the recesses of my already overworked brain. i'd pen them down somewhere, but right now careless doodling and reading inane celebrity blogs are my greatest sources of relaxation. the many banalities of everyday school life consumes me to think of nothing else but the next patient to clerk, the next case to see, the next op to observe. as if the rest of the world has blurred into oblivion.

my sister's Fortune and Time magazines stare at me accusingly on the dining table. books i've bought ages ago but never had a chance nor mood to read. the news and Discovery channel programmes i didn't watch. if i dare say, the average medical student is probably severely handicapped in the aspect of general knowledge and current affairs. at least for me, my universe merely consists of the looming pharmaco CA and trying to remember which inherited gene predisposes to rheumatic arthritis.

basically, i just feel kinda ignorant and stupid. like a hermit unwilling to be exposed to other forms of "distractions", however interesting they might be. feels as if my growth as a human being has been stunted - at least in the ability to explore and think.

i'd try to find out how the whole Medisave system works for an elderly patient living alone with no income, but another time maybe. when my list of things to read up is actually getting shorter as it should.

for now, i need my nap.

was going thru my old photo albums and realised that i was really quite horrendously ugly just a few years back. the hair, the clothes, the moonface. the horrors! they just brought up buried memories of various stages of Me; some of which i am still not too pleased nor proud of. those times when i just wasn't too happy about my own life and who i was.

but right now, i can safely say that i cannot be more contented with Life. everynight after a long day in school, i thank God for what i am studying and the people i can serve. there is noone whom i'd rather be, and a constant deepseated joy has replaced sporadic moments of short-lived happiness.

can't get any better than this, really.

been learning how to deal with the tricky affair of human dynamics lately. and i realise that Patience goes a long way. hopefully the prideful side of me will not flare up in the most undignified manner possible anytime soon.

the second week in my orthopedics posting and i have to say i ain't got a clue regarding the approach and important stuff to read up on. except that my obvious lack in anatomical knowledge has appalled even myself, let alone the impatient, brash, gregarious orthopedic surgeons who seem to expect us to know everything beforehand. (and i thought i was here to learn?) not to mention yet another doctor laughing in our faces when we naively proclaimed our desire to serve Mankind in our chosen profession.

"no future la you all. better go do something else now before it's too late."

"help people? GUFFAWS. snigger snigger"

it's amazing what the world can do to most people. the cliches, you know, jaded cynicism and giving up of silly utopian dreams for more realistic gains etc etc. but perhaps there are still some who choose to be fools in a world such as this - where business students are thought to be the smarter ones cos they will be earning the big bucks and playing golf while us doctors earn miserable paychecks for endless hours of cheap hard labour.

all i can say is a man who builds treasures for himself on this earth will never be able to add an ounce of worth to himself. if chasing money justifies your existence, then i shall step aside as you climb the social ladder.

fools are never understood and often mocked at, but at least they are a rarity.

**

anyway, weddings are coming up and i've got nothing to wear. why is black banned at a christian wedding? i don't get it. aren't we supposed to be less pantang.. i don't know.

it's been over a week since i last stepped into the gym. liberating, but also worrying at the same time. i'd hate to see my butt expanding to its former glory in the near future. but there's just this Inertia thing that's telling my legs not to move and opt for the easier workout of brain exercise instead. meaning the tonnes of reading up to do (about 4 hours worth every day) for this insane posting that starts from 8 and ends at 5 if i'm lucky.

e.g. i stood on my heels for the entire day today, only sitting down during lunchtime. my little toes are like german sausages now from all the edema.

i'm tired. but it's time to go and study.