twas very disturbing to see a girl about my age just wasting away in the ward. not due to some incurable physical illness, but because of a paralysing condition of the mind. trapped in the fear of gaining weight, lest she gives in to her hunger and consumes a solid particle of food.

mind over matter, she declares to herself.

so begins the battle to stay thin - or get even thinner. traipsing up and down the ward relentlessly for hours, whilst doing repetitive arm exercises at the same time. in a bid to burn off any excess calories consumed in...water? or that mouthful of milk she was forced to down by her heartbroken (i safely assume) father.

i had no courage to talk to her, or tell her that everything's ok and that she doesn't have to do this to herself anymore. cos there is freedom just waiting for her around the corner, as long as she conquers the fear.

but what do i have to say to someone who's simply a more extreme example of what i'm struggling with? that i see familiar shadows of behaviour and warped determination in her - those which i only dare to let loose when in solitude, lest someone labels me as "mental".

"it is a constant battle to stay fit" - a poster tagline i saw in my previous gym.

perhaps we are really warring against the voices in our heads telling us day and night that a svelte figure is the only passport to acceptance as a human being in this society. this society, which we are all members struggling to survive in without being left behind like an outsider. yet we destroy each other like this, through passing superficial judgments on those less physically attractive and in the same process, suffer secretly in the immense fear of becoming just like one of them.

like what xx said, it's a tight slap in the face as we gape helplessly at the lonely figure of skin and bones, encaged in her own world where noone else can enter.

a personal resolution cannot be made at this point, but i am thoroughly sobered. and perhaps, will cut myself some slack this weekend.