am home relatively early today. partly cos of my annoying menstrual blues and an inexplicable desire to just hide from the world, seek precious solitude and cower in the comforting haven called Home. real glad that sis is back early too, so we went to have macs lunch together. haven been out with her for pretty long now.

**

i like being in the wards. but i also feel especially inadequate and incapable, often being reduced to a blubbering idiot when asked to perform a cardiovascular examination, for example. or feel my cheeks flushing with embarrassment when the prof asks me a simple question, and Ignorance is written all over me forehead. or when i can't remember the usage for every single drug listed in the patients' case notes, despite having memorised them just a few months ago (while everyone else knows).

guess most of us would go thru such a phase now and then. but somehow even the thought of that doesn't comfort me the least bit. in the end i'm still flustered, blur and panicky, having to face the music on my own. and although i don't show it visibly, i'm beginning to berate myself for not taking enough initiative to present a case or volunteer to do an examination.

losing my confidence faster than jack neo losing his hair. and my skin is getting thinner than ever. Vulnerability getting the best of me.

**

besides, witnessing the sheer number of cancer patients wasting away in the wards has taken a slight toll on me, at least for now. i need to pray