these days the only word in my vocabulary is "sian". it's perpetually hanging recklessly on me lips and rolling off my gymnast-of-a-tongue (ask me why). hows hospital? ok lor sian. hows the food there? ok lor sian. hows studying? ok lor sian GO AND DIE LA DON ASK ME WHETHER I GOT STUDY OR NOT.

and as usual i was just being a lazy whiner and telling inky bout how sian i am. then she told me to perk up, continue reading the bible and just love.

yes. reading the bible. the answer to everything, all the anxieties bugging me since i can't remember when. yet as a christian, it ain't the first thing that comes to my mind whenever i worry, fret or cry. and so God sent me a gentle reminder through a wonderful friend who isn't even a christian (yet supports me in my faith - adore her for that)

blurted out to her that i haven't read the bible for some time already, and it's probably because i'm running away from God. that i'm afraid to face Him as i know He will reveal a part of me that i am not prepared to face up to. a strange moment of bare honesty stemming from my deepest guilt. something which i didn't even realise myself and most definitely wasn't prepared to share, even with my cell leader.

i'm running away. from the God who saw me thru the seasons, sent His Son to die for my sins, and set me free from all my hurts and pain from the past present till forever. and yet i run away from His sight, and even block out voices telling me to pray. running away even as i am attending services faithfully every week, weeping during worship when His love for me breaks my heart, and contacting my girls persistently to meet up with them. living my life as though i never knew Him. living a lie.

funny how people take their loved ones for granted. much less to say God, whom we cannot see. even though my heart longs to turn back to Him, i lack the courage to do so. the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

thankfully, God reminds me (again thru inky) that He will comfort me. and i will take His word for it.