perfect love casts out all fears

honestly, i'm terrified at this point in time.

no news is good news indeed. cos when the newsflash announced the disastrous news of my beloved Bangkok partially submerged under water due to the horrendous thunderstorms that might ensue for the next week or so, my heart stopped.

"so this is it? my whole trip will be cancelled?"

it is apparent that i'm no half-glass full kind of optimistic person. thunderstorm 2 weeks before my trip = vehement opposition and chiding by parents (both mine and xx) = no-go =

a very miserable Me.

part of my shaken being wanted to hurl bricks into the sky and wail to God "how could You do this to me?! You allowed everything to fall into place so smoothly, and You had to throw this fcked up piece of news into my face. what do You want from me?!"

yet another apparent side of me : i'm not very good at the immediate reaction of i'm-gonna-trust-God-and-P.U.S.H (e.g. Pray Until Something Happens).

auntie ilynn's reassuring words of encouragement thru SMS did allay my fears momentarily. you know, bible verses like "with God nothing is impossible" and "ask and you shall receive" flashed thru me mind like well-memorised chunks of textbook paragraphs before a major Biology exam. then shortly after, the weak human side of me emerged victorious.

hence for the past 30 minutes, i have been fervently googling catchphrases like Bangkok thunderstorm / Bangkok flood / Bangkok stop raining already dammit!! and surfing various meteorological and tourist websites which gave me the lowdown on the 3 seasons of Bangkok all year round and even clever 1 month ahead predictions of the weather based on historical statistics. (rainy days on both 14th and 15th of january - RAIN DURING CHATUCHAK DAYS??!!)

-wails-

**

you know what, i give up.

i cannot predict the weather, i cannot trust these stupid websites, i cannot walk on waters.

there are so many things that i cannot do nor control, and so i will choose to trust God.

cos as many of you out there know and agree, that issues like whether it'll be sunny or cloudy tomorrow is really up to Him.

and most importantly, He commanded me Not To Worry. the only thing He asks of me is to trust Him fully for His plans and that these plans are for my own good.

the hardest thing is to let go of my own troubles, beliefs and wants. and it is time to do so. it is also probably time to start praying like never before. because i want to begin the new year trusting that He will answer my prayers, thus i should really start asking.

how difficult it is to humble myself completely and ask God to help me! GAHH. and how terrible is it of me to choose Him as a last resort instead of my first refuge in times of need.

much to learn about walking by faith not by sight.

tis christmas eve and the time for much feasting. here's what i gorged me face silly on today :

curry puff
fried fishballs
fried fishcake
fried tofu
fried noodles
hard boiled egg
lontong
turkey
ham
steak
lasagne
butter biscuits
gummies
chocolate logcake
apple, grapes, orange, watermelon
kacang puteh

finally, all these were washed down with orange juice. and who says i have an eating disorder?!


OMG. i'm having a mini freakout attack here at my uncontrollable ginormous appetite. curry puff! something i haven't eaten in years.

well, a workout is duly planned tomorrow morning (i hope). and thus after, i shall attempt to rein in my gastronomic desires abit. a tad tough, for auntie ilynn's and mommy's birthdays are comin up, bangkok trip plus lunar new year (bak kwa chomping time) all in the first month of 2006.

fabulous. i can only pray hard for an accelerated metabolic rate before i burst like a balloon.

goodnight

it was an unexpectedly lovely day.

went to town in hope of getting presents for the kids (you don't have to know whose) and passing my cell girl her MOL tickets, and was all prepared to run straight home because of the CCC - Crazy Christmas Crowd, when dear mandy smsed me and the next thing we knew we were in the heart of chinatown taking in the sights and sounds.

the only time when i go to chinatown is when i want to yum cha or book hotel room for my bangkok trips. but mandy brought me around to check out the shops that i'd normally give a miss because surprise, i'm not that adventurous a shopper afterall. well, shopping was victorious and my buys are our secrets. despite the rain, which was a bit of a downer, i really enjoyed myself. dinner and conversation were fabulous. heck the diet and workout regime, i want my dou sha guo bing and jiao zi again soon.

mum is finally home. hong mei mei called yesterday. every item of my to-do list for this week has been accomplished, including the irritating COFM report and going down to BBDC. although the latter was a mini disaster in the sense that i got lost (yes don't ask. i know i stayed in bt batok before) and it was really a wasted trip. but, still, i did it. all by myself.

and so when mum asked me how i spent the past 3 days being home alone and without the normal help i get and take for granted, i replied with a slight sense of smugness "i've done all i needed to do."

but alas, i did not clean the floor and that, to my mother, means that i have not done anything at all.

browsing through my friendster testimonials, realise that there is a common thread amongst some of them.

"where the hell have u disappeared to??"

an over-used phrase to describe my (non)existence. one that i'm slightly guilty of.

but i was never really gone. you just need to know where to find me.

am feeling a lil lost. hong mei mei has gone over to the other side of the world (e.g. London) to spend christmas and new year ; whilst mom is going to batam tomorrow. i need to get to bbdc but am very unwilling to go down alone. it's times like these that i realise how lousy and dependent i am.

the Big P is comin and i can feel it. the horrid mood swings, the horrid cravings, the horrid evil brewing within the depths of me. i eat so much that my stomach can't digest fast enough and hence i burp like a monster after every meal. i scowl so much that everyone is wary and sick of my presence and hence i feel very ugly as a person. i think of so many wicked thoughts that the ever-present urge to hang on to God's word is inevitably extinguished every single time and hence my spirit is weak.

BURP.

going on a fast tomorrow onwards. and hibernation. no more going out till saturday.

and i'll go down to bbdc when mom comes back on thurs. cos i'm just stupid like that. can't even handle small things as registering and such.

anybody wanna watch Omnimax movie at science centre?

after my final final ortho test today (finally), i scooted over to Cedele with xx. was slightly disappointed with the food, despite the raving reviews from everybody else. shall stick to Subway from now on. raffles city has the best outlet in my opinion, by the way.

so that was that and this cloud of inexplicable sian-ness is still hoovering over me head, chewing away all previous thoughts of where to go, what to do during this miserable slot of holidays; replacing them is this huge desire to just slack my days away at home watching Oprah winfrey and reading notes occasionally. sure, i have Bangkok to look forward to, but this nagging worry that i'll suffer from even greater sian-ness the moment i touch down back in Singapore is making me gloomy even before i'm there.

ironically, the list of things to do in my organizer is getting longer by the day. church stuff, reports,write-ups, bills to settle, etc etc. where got time to sian away you tell me. and i thought my mom was silly when she said she has year-end blues. now, i'm the whiny grouch who wishes December will just go away.

can't wait for chinese new year when i can gleefully dong dong ciang, eat bak kwa limitlessly, and sing happy new year songs to usher in a brand new start to my 2nd year of official adulthood. maybe adopt a few children along the way, for starters.

was going to blog about how disastrous my orthopedics test went today (this one takes the cake, seriously - and so did the past two tests). then it suddenly struck me, amidst my ranting and groaning and whining to xx over the phone, that failing isn't such a big deal afterall.

i can always retake this posting, and it'd be good for me anyway. but i realise that i say that very same thing to myself after the previous tests - "it's ok, i can always retake the posting. it's good for me anyway. i want to retake it...."

so much for second chances. i might as well repeat the entire year.

whatever. it is major bumming time from now on. eat eat eat sleep sleep gym gym gym study. my holiday time to be distributed in the above proportions, please.

**

recently commented to hong mei mei that i'm actually quite a boring person. no strong passions for anything, no distinct likes and dislikes, no particular activity that i like to participate in. Life has nothing to offer that i'd aggressively pursue. and my opinions about anything and everything under the sun have no meaning, even to myself.

my motto to living can be summed up in two words : No comments.

she said that it's probably a good thing that i do not dwell upon my existence - who i am, what i like, what i hate, how i want things to be. but sometimes it's hard to describe Me. who is zheng zhimin mindy tay actually? sometimes, i even envy those who are able to define themselves so readily.

it's hard to live in this world where everyone wants to be an Individual, and you feel like you are just colorless.

**

dammit, i've been talking about myself for 5 paragraphs! and i thought i was different. HAHA.

today i ate quite abit. morning headed to the gym for a quick run, and that kickstarted my ginormous appetite for the day. had rojak, popiah and dim sum at Yum Cha for lunch (!!) with mommy, after collecting my hotel vouchers for bangkok. and oh, had a haircut too. back to the short bob i've always preferred.

ortho tests are next week, and to tell the truth i'm terrified at the prospect of forgetting my steps during physical examination. i mean, there are like a thousand steps to remember and hence me poor sis is the object of my chamber torture nowadays. luckily i have her to practise on. otherwise, i might seriously contemplate getting a blow-up doll for that sole purpose.

post-test holidays are going to be smashing. driving lessons (yes i know i'm slow), gymming, tv, food, and bangkok to look forward to. most importantly, a well-rested mind.

i long for days when i can sit back and watch the world go by, without having to participate in its workings. but perhaps, this is a conscious daily choice, to obey God's command of "Do Not Worry".

**
miss A&W strawberry icecream waffles in siam square already.

my greatest reward is You.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.

When there is hatred, let me sow love.
When there is injury, pardon.
When there is discord, vision.
When there is doubt, faith.
When there is despair, hope.
When there is darkness, light.
When there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master,
grant that i may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console.
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.

for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is dying that we are borne into eternal Life

Amen.

right. so the wedding dinner came and went and it wasn't unenjoyable at all. on the contrary, it was rather delightful, talking to my cousins and feeling a tad inadequate at my inability to remember how to address the elders appropriately. that aside, the food was great and i threw caution to the wind. so much for my resilience to eat as little as possible.

2 days have gone by with daddy and me being alone together for the first time. i thought it'd be unbearable - a torture, even. but God has proved me wrong yet again, for daddy can be very entertaining indeed (haha). and i can order all kinds of zi char dishes and he would let me. such things i can never do when mommy is around.

the walk around my estate after dinner this evening was particularly pleasant. it felt strangely comfortable and serene, strolling amidst the greenery and watching the sunset with daddy, as he chattered on about everything under the sun while i listened in silence. twas a simply luxury, really.

lately i've taken on an interest in reading food blogs. not for the recipes, of course, for i am about as useful as a hair dryer in the kitchen. i love those with tonnes of photos in them, photos of beautifully cooked and arranged cuisine. and here are some of my favorite links :

shewhoeats
obachan's kitchen and balcony garden
sweettemptations
saripartygirl

it baffles me why daddy says i'm anorexic and is trying to convince me that Rice is not toxic. yes i do not eat rice, but that doesn't mean i don't eat, per se. i still eat, especially angmoh carrot cake and dim sum. how can i resist?

the first 2 links are my favorite. for the writers are based in japan and God knows how much i admire japanese culture and their cuisine. so whilst i work hard to save enough money for a roadtrip thru the Land of the Rising Sun, i will take comfort in Hanabi sashimi buffet and takuya kimura jap dramas.

school tomorrow. hell begins. but all is good for i've booked tickets to bangkok in jan! now that is something to look forward to.

i am feeling terrible and do not want to go to the wedding dinner later.

i need my mommy back right now.