there are times when i dwell all day upon thoughts that are seemingly foolish in the eyes of my God, but i do nothing to get out of them anyway. wasting my time, or rather my life, on these 'unproductive' and 'rebellious' moods despite knowing that recovery is just a bible verse away is like an addiction. you know it's bad for you, yet it feels so good.

not that it literally feels good to be chronically shunning myself away from people and numbing my senses, emotions, the lot. i just need to be like this for now. cannot bring myself to live out higher pedestals of theologies or philosophies, like thou shalt not harden your heart in rebellion when thou hear God's voice this day.

a mere mortal with a humanly forgetful and ungrateful nature, is what i prefer to be right now.

my sisters in christ have warned me, that if i prolong my unwillingness to get back on track with my faith, something devastating will probably happen. not as a punishment from God of course, but as a consequence of my own actions. then it'll be my wakeup call. or a turning point in my life. or watever.

somehow i anticipate that. like a "show me what You've got then! i'm here so give it to me!" kind of moronic imbecile attitude towards authority. typical teenage behavior.

am i crying out for attention towards the heavens? maybe. in the meantime, i'll label it as pre-menstrual blues.

such a horrigible person, i am.