girl interrupted

i'm the Great Pretender. u can call me insecure deep inside, trying to be strong, running away from my true self. but guess wat, this is the real me. sheltered behind many facades. appearing to be happy and funny and high. u're right if u claim that i'm trying to entertain. of course i am. i find joy in makin pple whom i like, laugh. i relish in that power and ability. u thought i was torn up with pain while telling a funny anecdote? nah.

i'm not unhappy. in fact, i'm deeply joyful. joy is not plastered all over my face. noone can understand the peace that i have cos it's God-given. to pple, i may appear fake or secretly crying for help cos i seem so agitated and bitter. the point is, i appear bitter onli when i choose to rise to the occasion. it's fun to wallow in misery sometimes, innit? it's another form of my entertainment antics.

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change

i have many issues unsettled with God. sometimes i knoe that i choose not to face them cos i'm just not ready. God will not let me go without putting up a fight. that's why i knoe that they will be resolved in due time. when my heart is ready. when i'm ready to face them with God. i may have to undertake a more arduous path to get to destination Healing and Recovery. but i have no fear. time is not a factor here. i'm in no rush.

problems remind me that i'm human. i welcome them.

narcissistic as i may appear to be, honestly i have gripped the reality that i cannot depend on myself. the world may think i'm weak for not relying on self-sufficiency. but the strength i receive u cannot see.

i knoe that pple care. i'm grateful for that. but oprah winfrey tactics don't work on evryone. some prefer a silent knowing. a comfortable silence. a resolution cannot be reached thru open-table discussion at times.

do i hate being challenged? perhaps.
am i vulnerable when my pretenses are torn down by force? maybe.

there's no reason to be affected by the naysayers who point out to u bluntly ur many many issues and many many facades and claims that u're an escapist. don be afraid that ur world is being shaken and ur confidence is tumbling over like Humpty Dumpty. u knoe where u belong and where u feel safest in. in ur own skin. u are aware of ur struggles. u knoe more than they do. they may declare that u're blinded to possibly better things. but u knoe better.

so stay firm. don let go of wat u were chasing after in the first place.