Playground Love

2006-03-14T23:10:00.000+08:00

the seester told me to delete the comments of my previous entry and keep my emotions under control.

sad to say i can achieve neither. but this one thing i can do.

bye for good.

2006-03-14T19:38:00.000+08:00

i detest men who whine and complain about the stupidest smallest things. especially when it's your father who does it. i thought the right to whine like that is only entitled to children.

if you want my respect, you jolly well earn it. shut up and start appreciating how your wife, who works as hard as you, takes the trouble to remember the food we like and buy dinner back.

men should be seen and not heard. do not expect your wife to sayang you like your mom would.

thank you.

2006-03-11T02:29:00.000+08:00

my birthday celebrations spread out over a week this year, each spent with the most important people in my life - family, close friends, cell group. enjoyed myself immensely and each gift presented to me is filled with so much love and thought, with me in mind. the lovely skirt my mom got for me, the surprise bouquet sent to my doorstep from my cell leader, the precious poem from the seester, the early birthday card thru snailmail from yy, the wonderful afternoon spent catching up with inky and xx, and the gorgeous pair of swarovski earrings from auntie ilynn given to me today.

and oh, the great pigout session with the seester sponsored by my dad's credit card. haha

i am so loved by these people and i have no idea why i deserve it. the best gift i can give in return is to try and love them the best i can. i try, because i am imperfect and am unable to do the right thing all the time. but i sure will damn well try.

2006-03-09T12:19:00.000+08:00

i don't know if i'm officially insane or what but one day post-exams and i'm itching to do some work already. it's excruciating studying all day, yes, but even more so doing absolutely nothing at home.

in any case it's terribly exciting cos my dinner will be at Brazil Churrascaria with the seester (aka literary genius -grin-) and i know it is going to be smashing. there are only 2 people on this planet who would brave the challenge of non-stop grilled meat chomping and basically every other type of cuisine with me - the seester and xx. especially the meat part. heck, i think we just eat everything and anything. in ginormous amounts.

you know with certain friends you tend to eat certain stuff. like if i have a craving for xiaolongbao it's auntie ilynn and if it's local delights (bah chor mee, orh lua etc etc) it's pennylane. up till now i haven't found anyone to try mexican food with me. any takers?

so yay. a good motivation to hit the gym hard later and hit carnivore heaven even harder later. tomorrow sushi sashimi & shopping with auntie ilynn! hols are starting to look abit more exciting.

"mindy is tutu today" by monkuputubom hong

2006-03-07T09:00:00.000+08:00

mindy is tutu today. yay!
into adulthood she is well on her way
and her kid sister has something to say.

is it the way we eat and giggle
with junk food and its fatty jiggle
speeding down our oesophaguses
and never ending up on our chests?
consider a calorie at its best,
a glorious unit of happiness.

or is it the monkuputubom spontaneous
lameass nuttywisecrackers?
another pun pops and you say that's enough
aiyah i know you're trying not to laugh
if i am a pistachio
then you can be a sweet peanut
(oh it is very powderful.)

i still don't know why you didn't let me eat
your tuna that day. i still don't know how
you do such brilliant shopping and i think
i will never know what makes me let you have
the front seat always almost automatically.

maybe it is how you find it too hard
to fall in love and how i find it too easy
how you buy clothes and i buy books
how you can call yourself mindy but
i am not hongdy

how you say the wrong things when you're angry
and how i cry like a stewpig when i am
how we fought over a remote control for 3 hours
and finally sat down on the sofa together
laughing, even though i gave you bruises
when you smashed my lego set

how we take turns to be sense and sensibility
how we are so darnedly proud and prejudiced
how i wish i was like you, sometimes
and how you wish you were like me, maybe less times

but i am like you and you are like me
and i like you and you like me
so
hairpee tutu birdday minjiejie

(27feb 2006 1.07am)

**

my best birthday present. ever. -beams-

2006-03-06T20:30:00.000+08:00

today's paper was (not)surprisingly difficult. considering the questions being repeated for almost every year, i reckon we should all pass rather comfortably. last paper on wednesday and i am absolutely sickened by the thought of having to spend one more day looking thru those dreaded notes again.

and being the blurcock i am, i only found out that there is NOT going to be an mcq section and one of my notes are missing. whoop-dee-doo. at least i can forget about trying to remember mortality indices now.

despite my utter unwillingness to give birth next time, i still ponder about the names i'd bestow upon my spawn. the things girls think about and discuss with enthusiasm when we meet up. now you know.

anyway, my girl will be called Lisa cos it's the name of all my favorite female singers. Lisa Ono, Lisa Loeb, Lisa from m-flo. sounds good to me.

oh my goodness i epitomise sheer bo-liaonesss right now.

2006-03-05T17:59:00.000+08:00

never fully understood the concept of emotional eating. how one can be utterly out of control and neglect the importance of self-care, allowing your body to be filled with piles and piles of junk. does nothing to solve the fundamental problem, and needless to say it causes excessive weight gain and that would surely make the person feel even lousier about herself.

have always prided myself to be able to take charge of my emotions most of the time.

but after 2 slices of bread, half a jar of nutella, 2 bowls of porridge with veg and oily roasted duck in barely half an hour, i feel strangely pleased with the entire situation. my stomach is churning in painful protest at the sudden load, yet the act of pure recklessness is fearfully liberating.

yes i am feelin fucked up. and i ate to vent my frustrations. i do not think it really solved my problems, but it sure did ease the tension within me. like fighting a battle and winning it. peace only a sugar rush can give.

and now, i can actually go and read my notes till it's time for bed.

i ate a tonne of naan

2006-03-02T00:29:00.000+08:00

BURP.

darn, treadmill session due tomorrow.

speaking of which, the other day i was running in peace like a hamster whilst oogling at the cute lil japanese boys in the pool, when this angmoh mister came in and slotted his cd without asking if i minded his music.

and seconds later Eurotrash was blasting into my eardrums. the sort that you'd expect ah bengs to rave to at the now defunct Sparks. the volume was waaaayyyy up and that nincompoop didn't even care. just kept on pumping his stupid iron, with neanderthal grunts punctuating the infernal noise that was threatening to give me a stroke.

what can i say. Eurotrash indeed.

2006-02-28T10:29:00.000+08:00

"With what shall i come before the Lord?
and bow down before the exalted God?

Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?

Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousand rivers of oil?

Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He has showed you, O man, what is good.

And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God."

micah 6:6-8

2006-02-26T23:40:00.000+08:00

so i just came back from my weekly junk food fix with pok. nuggets fries and hot fudge sundae to top it off. reminds me of pri school days. every saturday my dad would give us 10 bucks and we'd walk to our neighbourhood mcdonalds to get upsized meals, milkshakes and ice-cream. what a treat back then. now, i just shudder at the extra jiggle around my waist if i do that regularly.

one more week to exams. the panic is setting in a wee bit but it needs to step up its game. otherwise, i might never finish revision.

the other day i was doing another fluff-brained online quiz and this question made me think abit:

What describes your dream guy?
1. someone who makes you laugh all the time
2. someone who listens as much as he talks
3. someone... blah blah i can't remember the last option

my first instinct was to choose option 2. the sensible logical romantic answer. but i caught myself clicking on option 1 instead.

what a stupid way to waste 5 minutes of precious revision time. but as i said, it just made me think abit. you know, re-evaluate in what i'd really appreciate in a guy.

of course, if the last option went "someone who is smart, rich, thoughtful, funny with a cute ass to boot - oh hell, he's perfect" i wouldn't have to ponder for so long.

2006-02-24T16:03:00.000+08:00

usually am a stickler for sticking to the no-nonsense, sensible schedule of working hard during the weekdays and letting my hair down on weekends.

but it's friday today and i've got no plans. no nothing nada. hence i'm wondering why should i follow my own stupid rule of taking a break only when the calendar permits me to. haven't done a single bit of studying since waking up mid-morning and weirdly gleeful about the whole slothful couch potato affair.

nonstop teevee. chowing on comfort food. being utterly useless.

yet the civics & moral classes are haunting me like your mama's nagging that never really goes away even though you try to convince yourself to ignore it. the "what have you accomplished today?" mambo jumbo.

and i haven't, really. thus, if you'd excuse me, i'll have to go put on my running shoes now.

it's hard to break the rules, even if noone is watching.

2006-02-23T15:11:00.000+08:00

the new ride came today!

but i can only carress its sexy streamlines lustfully and longingly right now. darn. hopefully i will pass my driving test at first try. it's insane that i can only get a suitable test date and timeslot during end-june.

mugging has come to an all-time slow. my grey matter just refuses to process any more information. and it's not like i'm yearning to go out and play. just weird. the inertia.

on a sidenote, i cannot believe that the number one movie in singapore this week is.. the Pink Panther.

??!!

you'd think that with all the powerhouse films showing this oscar season, this wouldn't be happening. i rest my case

2006-02-21T01:41:00.000+08:00

thru the previous post i've concluded that the total readership for my blog is...7. what a great way to find out! hahaha

but still, do try to contribute if you happen to pop by. i assume that you got here cos i let you in on the address, and not by unorthodox ways that are too unimaginable to be spoken of. and thus you know me a fair bit, so will be able to define my failings and strengths pretty accurately.

last week was busy busy. church meetings almost every night (and so was the supper affair, unfortunately), hence a jam-packed revision schedule that had to be followed on the dot. not surprisingly, it worked especially well for me, the plan-ahead freak. that probably contributed to my lackadaisical lounging around the house today, cos of the lack of agenda. i wonder what i should do about it. hmm

had an especially enjoyable day with auntie ilynn last friday - salvation army shopping (which i went crazy at, while she waited patiently - thanks!), prince cafe set lunch at coronation plaza (secondary school memories, thee i treasure), and finally the inevitable trip down town so that she could indulge in some retail therapy as well. it was lovely cos we took buses to all these places, not considering the car ride home. it reminds me of the days when the convenience of an automobile eluded us, and yet the outings were always fun cos more exploration to foreign territories could be done. twas tiring, but still memorable.

am making a trip down to bbdc on wed, to sort out the annoying business of booking my practical test. and hopefully, i'll be able to return the favour soon by cruising down ECP while the person next to me snaps photos of the evening skyline. something that i delight in doing very much.

p.s. i miss you pennylane aka hooters door bitch! ring me up soon :)

2006-02-17T01:29:00.000+08:00

i thought i'd never ever do another online personality quiz again, but this is pretty interesting. u get someone else to do it for you, and compare with ur own self-assessment. good self-reflection stuff. we all need that at some point in time. especially when mugging is not an attractive alternative.

so please click the links below and do me a favour. i'd be too glad to return it. :)

my Nohari window

my Johari window

2006-02-14T01:48:00.000+08:00

out of the 4 r21 movies i've watched so far, 3 are about boys and boys. if you know what i mean.

have no idea why is this so. my predilection towards gays and trannies and so forth. a soft spot, perhaps? plus it's always fascinating to delve into their secret worlds thru well made films.

i cannot say that Brokeback Mountain touched me, though. granted it was a good movie, worth the dazzling ratings bestowed upon it by the critics. but somehow i just went EURGH (silently under my breath of course) about 1000 times thruout the entire length of it, along with auntie ilynn who was probably doing the same thing beside me - although the irritating bugger next to her might have had something to do with that.

it just felt so wrong. and i couldn't empathize with the characters at all, save for heath ledger, for the simple and stupid reason that i think he's pretty cute. jake gyllenhaal looks like a Joker. i mean the one from the Batman movie. then again he's quite the joker too, seducing poor heath and turning him into a emotional confused wreck. especially so with the ending. no spoilers ahead.

but i digress. the point is, i ain't no prude. the last film i watched about gays (Mysterious Skin) touched me in a way that i cannot describe. you know, the kind of movie that never really leaves you. particular scenes replay in ur mind every now and then, and you'd ponder over them.

but Brokeback just didn't do it for me, i guess. still, it's not like it's awful or anything. lee ang did a great job.

ok nuff of this movie rating business. i forget that exams are but 3 weeks away. bah

2006-02-10T01:04:00.000+08:00

so this is a mandatory post to appease my sister, who doesn't like her photo very much. but i do, cos i took it and it exemplifies perfectly the agony one goes thru while driving a manual car in horrendous traffic conditions.

quite cute wat! u don't think so meh pok

watched a simple and beautiful french movie with auntie ilynn tonight. Le Grand Voyage. teared at the end, which is a rare occasion indeed. most of the time i'd attempt to keep the welled-up tears in, but something prodded me to just allow them to roll freely down my cheeks.

worth a watch, definitely. one should probably go on a pilgrimage once in his/her lifetime to distill the soul, but that's a thought for another post another time.

2006-02-06T00:30:00.000+08:00

pok

welcome home pok. i know you don like me borrowing your tops without asking so i'll try to cut down to minumum (ok nada). sorry hor. and oh, please wipe the sink after using don let it flood till our contact lens cases are floating like water lillies in a pond.

ok too much information.

**

so the other night i was out, very very late. messaged pok and realised she was out at the same time. so i exclaimed, in a rather silly fashion to auntie ilynn "she got car to go home meh??"

then it dawned upon me that she can drive already. and she's 20 (!!) this year. somehow i can only remember pok when she was in primary 1 and i'm not going into vivid descriptions of childhood memories here.

wah.

2006-02-04T00:11:00.000+08:00

no more whining. time to start studying. afterall, exams are just 4 weeks away.

and my birthday is in the middle of it all. hurray. who cares about birthdays

on a sidenote, i'm amazed at how some classmates are able to detach themselves from the stressful obligation to devour their notes day and night, and buy themselves plane tickets to faraway exotic destinations. one of them will be gone for 3 weeks, no less.

well, do have fun. while i'll try to find some here, in my dark cold room by the study table.

2006-01-31T22:37:00.000+08:00

CNY is finally over and i feel like i've gained 10 kg within a span of 3 days.

well, yeah so wat if i'm whining about my weight again. every girl does that. including that (hypocrite) girl who proclaims to "never diet" and "have no issues with my body whatsoever". you just didn't see her throwing up into the toilet bowl or downing some Extrim before eating pineapple tarts.

anyway so right now i'm feeling abit depressed cos the holidays are over and i spent half of the time counting calories. (2 pineapple tarts, 2 muah chee, 3 chocolate cookies...) heck, i didn't even open up my ang baos and had to ask my sis what was the haul. kinda scatterbrained, like i have a million things to do but can't remember what they are.

so if i owe you money, or was supposed to meet up with you, or give you an answer on anything please have some patience with me and remind me again. i wonder if all the food has chugged up the arteries leading to my brain or the latter simply became a tub of lard or something. i just can't remember much. for once, my checklist of Things To Do is empty. and i don't feel like doing anything cos i don't want to care. not even going to work out this week like i know i would normally, even though my calorie intake has shot thru the roof.

i'm grumpy ain't i. blame it on the Red Sea. exams are coming, oh woe is me.

2006-01-27T22:16:00.000+08:00

it's really hard getting up in the mornings to do my daily workout when i know in a few hours' time i'd be gaining all those calories back thru pineapple tarts, bak kwa, and steamboat. and more

a tough weekend ahead, my dears.

2006-01-25T00:04:00.000+08:00

ok i HAVE to get this off my chest (not that i have much to contend with in the first place)

my dad bought some dubious brand of bak kwa and that has made me really annoyed. cos bak kwa is the only thing that i look forward to during CNY besides the ang bao moolah and i absolutely cannot stand eating some ordinary tasting bak kwa.

my ideal bak kwa : big, juicy, sweet and charred all around. and really really oily

and he had to go buy some weird sounding brand (Gim Tin Hee or something like that) which has NO queue. and you know how good that speaks of the bak kwa quality when CNY is only a few days away.

this is unacceptable! i will not touch that bak kwa.

i know i am such a brat but it's the only new year goodie i eat so it must be good la. if not what is the point of indulgence?

hrmph

**

on another note, we try the grilled fish dishes next week ok auntie mandy? yay

2006-01-24T00:45:00.000+08:00

lunar new year is just 6 days away! how exciting.

despite the fact that the obligatory gathering of extended family seems a tad too contrived as i get older, much like how they described it in the papers today. a group of strangers sitting in the living room talking about the limited info they have about each other, eating tidbits and watching jackie chan re-runs.

one can get all cynical and dismissive about it, but i still appreciate the chance to reminisce about the same old childhood incidents the 50th time (i made you cry at the playground!) and answer meaningless questions like "do you have a boyfriend?" /"have you graduated from university"/blah blah.

for i truly believe that at the way things are going, this sort of family gathering will cease to exist in approximately 10 years time and everyone will have their reunion dinner sent in a package to their doorstep. and at least it's still a chance to catch up with my relatives, for that short hour i spend at their homes in my pretty new year garb.

speaking of new year garb, i sure am glad that i bought mine way before christmas. talk about planning ahead.

my concluding thought about my recent trip to bangkok is : we are sure damn slow in catching up with trends. and we are very boring dressers compared to the bangkok teens.

trend forecast for spring/summer 2006 : vintage / nautical / tribal bohemian.

and don say you don follow trends cos we all do, to some degree or the other. i'm going for nautical this season!

i heart bangkok

2006-01-18T02:02:00.000+08:00

i am back from my yearly pilgrimage to the Land of Smiles, with a few pounds added onto my waistline from all the A&W and Dairy Queen, and a big haul of shopping. nothing new.

the next few days are going to be dismal, save for MOS on friday night with auntie ilynn. guess i'll have to cancel some driving lessons. ho-hum.

that's all i have to say. goodnight.

2006-01-11T23:57:00.000+08:00

most of the time i feel like a genuine hypocrite when i tell my friend to lean on God whenever times are tough. the formulaic bible verses. the cliche lines.

perhaps having the simple childlike faith to believe in these promises is not as easy as letting them roll off my tongue.

however after all that's been happening to the people i love most lately, the truth of Jesus Christ has hit harder to home than never before.

to those who are suffering, the most difficult thing to believe in is that God has a plan in everything.

suffering does not come from God. it is the consequence of our own mistakes.

yet He can transform the mess we make into something beautiful and worthwhile; although the journey can be long and fraught with much pain. i am sure we have all experienced this at one point or the other.

the very reason that Jesus Christ did what He did on the cross is to show us that even in Death, there is Life. imagine the fear and hopelessness that seeped into the disciples' hearts when they witnessed their Messiah hanging dead and broken on the cross. the world must have ended for them there and then.

yet He rose again 3 days later, proving that there is no situation whereby God's victory cannot come through. and that He never fails to keep His promise to never leave us.

**

i truly believe all things work for the good of those who love Him.

the world is a terrible place to live in, yet we have hope in eternal joy with Him.

people let us down time and time again, yet we can forgive them because He has forgiven all of us while we were still sinners.

we are weak, but He is strong.

the lines above may seem to be the same old cliche catchphrases i mentioned in my first paragraph, but they are the truth.

and you know what they say : the Truth shall set you free.

**

we cannot undo what has happened, but can only hang on to our tiniest bit of faith that He has everything under control. and by choosing to believe in that, our sanity is preserved.

be brave.

2006-01-10T02:12:00.000+08:00

nothing breaks my heart more than when my loved ones are struggling with the demands of Life.

and that's probably why i find it so hard to leave at this point in time.

2006-01-07T18:54:00.000+08:00

driving is not my thing at all.

it's tiring, troublesome, and basically i just prefer to be driven around. bus driver, taxi driver, my mom.. i don't like to think once i'm in the car. staring blankly at the world passing me by on the ECP is the best way to slink into a brief moment of absolute idleness and mental solitude.

my instructors have commented that i'm quite good at it tho. then again i reckon it's because few people can screw up driving an auto transmission vehicle since it's such a no-brainer.

in any case the COE prices have gone ridiculously low these days and hence my parents have jumped on the bandwagon and gotten ourselves a new ride. grateful that they chose an auto car this time, despite their (unfathomable) liking to drive manual ones.

they say it's a coming-of-age affair, being able to drive yourself around. which is complete bullshit to me cos it's nothing but delusions of grandeur. moreover, not everyone can afford their own car. maybe the equivalence in Nepal is being able to ride your first donkey or something.

what would really signify the attainment of adulthood to me is to provide for the family. paying the bills, doing the household chores and such. cos at age 21, i feel useless at times as i have to depend on my parents financially for the next few years. not to mention i don't even mop the floor very often. tis not a good feeling at all.

hence the day when i'm able to give to them out of what i earn with my own toil, i will consider myself to have truly grown up.

2006-01-04T01:14:00.000+08:00

a few things that made me really hairpee in the first week of 2006:

ethel came back from the US

talked to my sister online / she is buying birkenstocks for me / she is selected for an exchange programme that she wanted very much

eating carrot cake (the angmoh version) 2 days in a row

eating mummy's homecooked food after horrendously oily camp fare over the new year weekend

had my first driving lesson - mostly spent yakking away with my funny instructor while driving in the rain around the circuit

and finally..

mandy getting the job at hooters!!!

**

thank God for all of the above. He is good.

2006-01-03T00:46:00.000+08:00

the new year was ushered in with mainly ambivalence.

for Time, to me, is continuous and unseparated by any particular event or day. and getting older is merely a biological process whereby some more cells fail to rejuvenate themselves. and thus, the inevitable sagging.

but i suppose a new year gives us permission to give ourselves a fresh start - to change, make amends, try again.

**

new year service in church was endured with mainly a gripping fear.

fear of meeting expectations - my own and other people's.

fear of not being able to reciprocate the great mercy shown to me by God.

fear of losing my joy of salvation.

fear of shame.

fear of not transforming into a new and better improved version of me.

and so as the worshippers around me rocked on with the deafeningly loud band music, i could only stand motionless and contemplate the next step i have to take.

because i know i have to.

but what?

**

the nothingness of me in His presence, i need to experience. the vastness of His love for me, i need to embrace.

perfect love casts out all fears

2005-12-27T23:27:00.000+08:00

honestly, i'm terrified at this point in time.

no news is good news indeed. cos when the newsflash announced the disastrous news of my beloved Bangkok partially submerged under water due to the horrendous thunderstorms that might ensue for the next week or so, my heart stopped.

"so this is it? my whole trip will be cancelled?"

it is apparent that i'm no half-glass full kind of optimistic person. thunderstorm 2 weeks before my trip = vehement opposition and chiding by parents (both mine and xx) = no-go =

a very miserable Me.

part of my shaken being wanted to hurl bricks into the sky and wail to God "how could You do this to me?! You allowed everything to fall into place so smoothly, and You had to throw this fcked up piece of news into my face. what do You want from me?!"

yet another apparent side of me : i'm not very good at the immediate reaction of i'm-gonna-trust-God-and-P.U.S.H (e.g. Pray Until Something Happens).

auntie ilynn's reassuring words of encouragement thru SMS did allay my fears momentarily. you know, bible verses like "with God nothing is impossible" and "ask and you shall receive" flashed thru me mind like well-memorised chunks of textbook paragraphs before a major Biology exam. then shortly after, the weak human side of me emerged victorious.

hence for the past 30 minutes, i have been fervently googling catchphrases like Bangkok thunderstorm / Bangkok flood / Bangkok stop raining already dammit!! and surfing various meteorological and tourist websites which gave me the lowdown on the 3 seasons of Bangkok all year round and even clever 1 month ahead predictions of the weather based on historical statistics. (rainy days on both 14th and 15th of january - RAIN DURING CHATUCHAK DAYS??!!)

-wails-

**

you know what, i give up.

i cannot predict the weather, i cannot trust these stupid websites, i cannot walk on waters.

there are so many things that i cannot do nor control, and so i will choose to trust God.

cos as many of you out there know and agree, that issues like whether it'll be sunny or cloudy tomorrow is really up to Him.

and most importantly, He commanded me Not To Worry. the only thing He asks of me is to trust Him fully for His plans and that these plans are for my own good.

the hardest thing is to let go of my own troubles, beliefs and wants. and it is time to do so. it is also probably time to start praying like never before. because i want to begin the new year trusting that He will answer my prayers, thus i should really start asking.

how difficult it is to humble myself completely and ask God to help me! GAHH. and how terrible is it of me to choose Him as a last resort instead of my first refuge in times of need.

much to learn about walking by faith not by sight.

2005-12-24T23:20:00.000+08:00

tis christmas eve and the time for much feasting. here's what i gorged me face silly on today :

curry puff
fried fishballs
fried fishcake
fried tofu
fried noodles
hard boiled egg
lontong
turkey
ham
steak
lasagne
butter biscuits
gummies
chocolate logcake
apple, grapes, orange, watermelon
kacang puteh

finally, all these were washed down with orange juice. and who says i have an eating disorder?!

OMG. i'm having a mini freakout attack here at my uncontrollable ginormous appetite. curry puff! something i haven't eaten in years.

well, a workout is duly planned tomorrow morning (i hope). and thus after, i shall attempt to rein in my gastronomic desires abit. a tad tough, for auntie ilynn's and mommy's birthdays are comin up, bangkok trip plus lunar new year (bak kwa chomping time) all in the first month of 2006.

fabulous. i can only pray hard for an accelerated metabolic rate before i burst like a balloon.

goodnight

2005-12-23T01:38:00.000+08:00

it was an unexpectedly lovely day.

went to town in hope of getting presents for the kids (you don't have to know whose) and passing my cell girl her MOL tickets, and was all prepared to run straight home because of the CCC - Crazy Christmas Crowd, when dear mandy smsed me and the next thing we knew we were in the heart of chinatown taking in the sights and sounds.

the only time when i go to chinatown is when i want to yum cha or book hotel room for my bangkok trips. but mandy brought me around to check out the shops that i'd normally give a miss because surprise, i'm not that adventurous a shopper afterall. well, shopping was victorious and my buys are our secrets. despite the rain, which was a bit of a downer, i really enjoyed myself. dinner and conversation were fabulous. heck the diet and workout regime, i want my dou sha guo bing and jiao zi again soon.

mum is finally home. hong mei mei called yesterday. every item of my to-do list for this week has been accomplished, including the irritating COFM report and going down to BBDC. although the latter was a mini disaster in the sense that i got lost (yes don't ask. i know i stayed in bt batok before) and it was really a wasted trip. but, still, i did it. all by myself.

and so when mum asked me how i spent the past 3 days being home alone and without the normal help i get and take for granted, i replied with a slight sense of smugness "i've done all i needed to do."

but alas, i did not clean the floor and that, to my mother, means that i have not done anything at all.

2005-12-21T01:41:00.000+08:00

browsing through my friendster testimonials, realise that there is a common thread amongst some of them.

"where the hell have u disappeared to??"

an over-used phrase to describe my (non)existence. one that i'm slightly guilty of.

but i was never really gone. you just need to know where to find me.

2005-12-19T23:32:00.000+08:00

am feeling a lil lost. hong mei mei has gone over to the other side of the world (e.g. London) to spend christmas and new year ; whilst mom is going to batam tomorrow. i need to get to bbdc but am very unwilling to go down alone. it's times like these that i realise how lousy and dependent i am.

the Big P is comin and i can feel it. the horrid mood swings, the horrid cravings, the horrid evil brewing within the depths of me. i eat so much that my stomach can't digest fast enough and hence i burp like a monster after every meal. i scowl so much that everyone is wary and sick of my presence and hence i feel very ugly as a person. i think of so many wicked thoughts that the ever-present urge to hang on to God's word is inevitably extinguished every single time and hence my spirit is weak.

BURP.

going on a fast tomorrow onwards. and hibernation. no more going out till saturday.

and i'll go down to bbdc when mom comes back on thurs. cos i'm just stupid like that. can't even handle small things as registering and such.

anybody wanna watch Omnimax movie at science centre?

2005-12-16T14:37:00.000+08:00

after my final final ortho test today (finally), i scooted over to Cedele with xx. was slightly disappointed with the food, despite the raving reviews from everybody else. shall stick to Subway from now on. raffles city has the best outlet in my opinion, by the way.

so that was that and this cloud of inexplicable sian-ness is still hoovering over me head, chewing away all previous thoughts of where to go, what to do during this miserable slot of holidays; replacing them is this huge desire to just slack my days away at home watching Oprah winfrey and reading notes occasionally. sure, i have Bangkok to look forward to, but this nagging worry that i'll suffer from even greater sian-ness the moment i touch down back in Singapore is making me gloomy even before i'm there.

ironically, the list of things to do in my organizer is getting longer by the day. church stuff, reports,write-ups, bills to settle, etc etc. where got time to sian away you tell me. and i thought my mom was silly when she said she has year-end blues. now, i'm the whiny grouch who wishes December will just go away.

can't wait for chinese new year when i can gleefully dong dong ciang, eat bak kwa limitlessly, and sing happy new year songs to usher in a brand new start to my 2nd year of official adulthood. maybe adopt a few children along the way, for starters.

2005-12-15T02:25:00.000+08:00

was going to blog about how disastrous my orthopedics test went today (this one takes the cake, seriously - and so did the past two tests). then it suddenly struck me, amidst my ranting and groaning and whining to xx over the phone, that failing isn't such a big deal afterall.

i can always retake this posting, and it'd be good for me anyway. but i realise that i say that very same thing to myself after the previous tests - "it's ok, i can always retake the posting. it's good for me anyway. i want to retake it...."

so much for second chances. i might as well repeat the entire year.

whatever. it is major bumming time from now on. eat eat eat sleep sleep gym gym gym study. my holiday time to be distributed in the above proportions, please.

**

recently commented to hong mei mei that i'm actually quite a boring person. no strong passions for anything, no distinct likes and dislikes, no particular activity that i like to participate in. Life has nothing to offer that i'd aggressively pursue. and my opinions about anything and everything under the sun have no meaning, even to myself.

my motto to living can be summed up in two words : No comments.

she said that it's probably a good thing that i do not dwell upon my existence - who i am, what i like, what i hate, how i want things to be. but sometimes it's hard to describe Me. who is zheng zhimin mindy tay actually? sometimes, i even envy those who are able to define themselves so readily.

it's hard to live in this world where everyone wants to be an Individual, and you feel like you are just colorless.

**

dammit, i've been talking about myself for 5 paragraphs! and i thought i was different. HAHA.

2005-12-10T17:34:00.000+08:00

today i ate quite abit. morning headed to the gym for a quick run, and that kickstarted my ginormous appetite for the day. had rojak, popiah and dim sum at Yum Cha for lunch (!!) with mommy, after collecting my hotel vouchers for bangkok. and oh, had a haircut too. back to the short bob i've always preferred.

ortho tests are next week, and to tell the truth i'm terrified at the prospect of forgetting my steps during physical examination. i mean, there are like a thousand steps to remember and hence me poor sis is the object of my chamber torture nowadays. luckily i have her to practise on. otherwise, i might seriously contemplate getting a blow-up doll for that sole purpose.

post-test holidays are going to be smashing. driving lessons (yes i know i'm slow), gymming, tv, food, and bangkok to look forward to. most importantly, a well-rested mind.

i long for days when i can sit back and watch the world go by, without having to participate in its workings. but perhaps, this is a conscious daily choice, to obey God's command of "Do Not Worry".

**
miss A&W strawberry icecream waffles in siam square already.

my greatest reward is You.

2005-12-08T01:33:00.000+08:00

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.

When there is hatred, let me sow love.
When there is injury, pardon.
When there is discord, vision.
When there is doubt, faith.
When there is despair, hope.
When there is darkness, light.
When there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master,
grant that i may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console.
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.

for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is dying that we are borne into eternal Life

Amen.

2005-12-04T22:42:00.000+08:00

right. so the wedding dinner came and went and it wasn't unenjoyable at all. on the contrary, it was rather delightful, talking to my cousins and feeling a tad inadequate at my inability to remember how to address the elders appropriately. that aside, the food was great and i threw caution to the wind. so much for my resilience to eat as little as possible.

2 days have gone by with daddy and me being alone together for the first time. i thought it'd be unbearable - a torture, even. but God has proved me wrong yet again, for daddy can be very entertaining indeed (haha). and i can order all kinds of zi char dishes and he would let me. such things i can never do when mommy is around.

the walk around my estate after dinner this evening was particularly pleasant. it felt strangely comfortable and serene, strolling amidst the greenery and watching the sunset with daddy, as he chattered on about everything under the sun while i listened in silence. twas a simply luxury, really.

lately i've taken on an interest in reading food blogs. not for the recipes, of course, for i am about as useful as a hair dryer in the kitchen. i love those with tonnes of photos in them, photos of beautifully cooked and arranged cuisine. and here are some of my favorite links :

shewhoeats
obachan's kitchen and balcony garden
sweettemptations
saripartygirl

it baffles me why daddy says i'm anorexic and is trying to convince me that Rice is not toxic. yes i do not eat rice, but that doesn't mean i don't eat, per se. i still eat, especially angmoh carrot cake and dim sum. how can i resist?

the first 2 links are my favorite. for the writers are based in japan and God knows how much i admire japanese culture and their cuisine. so whilst i work hard to save enough money for a roadtrip thru the Land of the Rising Sun, i will take comfort in Hanabi sashimi buffet and takuya kimura jap dramas.

school tomorrow. hell begins. but all is good for i've booked tickets to bangkok in jan! now that is something to look forward to.

2005-12-03T17:54:00.000+08:00

i am feeling terrible and do not want to go to the wedding dinner later.

i need my mommy back right now.

2005-11-30T23:54:00.000+08:00

this week has been excruciatingly difficult to get by. ended up skipping classes for 2 days straight (today and tomorrow). the pharmaco test on saturday is inconsequential. just feelin a tad dismal.

this weekend's gonna be lonely, with everyone off to bangkok. i just want them to come back soon.

Still.

2005-11-27T01:17:00.000+08:00

when the oceans rise and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the floods

i will be still, and know You are God.

2005-11-25T10:55:00.000+08:00

the weekend has come early for me. funky friday it is, and i've decided that i've had enough of school and its exhausting demands. despite the depressing thought of having to study like a mad dog, i look forward to spending some quality family time.

for some unknown reason, it's especially hard for me to open up genuinely to anyone right now. although it's obvious that people around me can tell that i'm unhappy and want to listen, it's just beyond me to share. feels as if my worries and troubles are eluded even from myself, and the emotions are impossible to be crystallized into words that actually mean something. besides, after all that's happened lately, i truly understand what it means by 'words are cheap'.

yes, words are cheap indeed.

am slipping into pensive and depressed mode, though not brinking upon self-destruction or lamentations or anything like that. not the drama mama way. but just... very tired of everything that's going on. helpless, even. the wheel keeps on turning, the world continues to revolve, the days pass by relentlessly - yet i wish that i can just be completely still in the midst of these.

to pause, so that i can breathe. to know exactly where i am. earth to mindy.

it amazes me how some individuals are able to do what they have to do every single day - without the burdens of emotional lethargy. the 101 reasons i give myself when i don't feel like doing anything today. while to these people, they're just silly excuses which are absolutely incomprehensible.

where is their motivation coming from? are they just functioning like machines? have no idea.

these are the people who will get far in Life. since pretty much nothing can distract them from what they need and have to accomplish.

i think too much, maybe. and get myself into unnecessary trouble at times with authorities who attempt to dictate my activities for the day.

but it's ok. it's ok, really.

gastronomic fantasies

2005-11-21T21:42:00.000+08:00

i have this insatiable craving for popiah lately, and eat it at every opportunity i've got. reckon that the only way to stop this insane obsession is to eat 10 at one sitting. hence my next conquest shall be the popiah buffet.

it was sashimi for the longest longest time and was finally satisfied at Hanabi restaurant. absolutely orgasmic experience.

xx, remember we still have chocolate buffet. or maybe we could substitute it with this popiah affair, since we're both perpetually -ahem- eating healthily.

and auntie ilynn, GENKI sushi after your KL trip.

tis a bad Monday! a horrid start to a horrid 4-week posting at NUH! can't you tell i'm oh-so-depressed already. till i have to blog about the things i can eat during weekends/after tests so that i can feel a wee bit happier.

sigh.

2005-11-19T04:17:00.000+08:00

such are the stuff humans are made of : pride, envy, greed, anger, sloth, lust.

all these intertwine to create the intricacies of human dynamics. we struggle to find the perfect balance between these sins and the (supposed) innate virtues we possess, and often find ourselves confused about our own emotions.

if i am truly a good person, then why am i burdened by this sharp stab of malice thru my heart? worst still, i stab my friend a thousand times more with these evil thoughts of mine. do they belong to me, or just a work of the Devil?

unable to reconcile how i feel and what i know to be the Truth, i run away not before leaving spiteful words of unknown rage. what for? you ask. since Guilt has already plagued me, then Regret should follow and displayed in my attitude. but the more ashamed i am, the more frustration can get the better of me. not to mention the ever-still-present desire to seek a lil personal revenge on my poor friend.

am i making sense? tend to lose myself in the attempt to elucidate these complexities.

but the truth is, only the Truth shall set me free.

jagged lil pill

2005-11-15T23:21:00.000+08:00

today is one of the worst days i've had in a long long time.

period.

2005-11-08T17:02:00.000+08:00

funny how tired i am these days. fell asleep just like that in a busy clinic while waiting for tutorial, complete with a lil dribble and head-bobbing. must have been quite a sight.

hardly philosophical nor deeply thoughtful nowadays, tho i entertain certain emotions and opinions of a less superficial nature fleetingly and choose to bury them at an infantile stage within the recesses of my already overworked brain. i'd pen them down somewhere, but right now careless doodling and reading inane celebrity blogs are my greatest sources of relaxation. the many banalities of everyday school life consumes me to think of nothing else but the next patient to clerk, the next case to see, the next op to observe. as if the rest of the world has blurred into oblivion.

my sister's Fortune and Time magazines stare at me accusingly on the dining table. books i've bought ages ago but never had a chance nor mood to read. the news and Discovery channel programmes i didn't watch. if i dare say, the average medical student is probably severely handicapped in the aspect of general knowledge and current affairs. at least for me, my universe merely consists of the looming pharmaco CA and trying to remember which inherited gene predisposes to rheumatic arthritis.

basically, i just feel kinda ignorant and stupid. like a hermit unwilling to be exposed to other forms of "distractions", however interesting they might be. feels as if my growth as a human being has been stunted - at least in the ability to explore and think.

i'd try to find out how the whole Medisave system works for an elderly patient living alone with no income, but another time maybe. when my list of things to read up is actually getting shorter as it should.

for now, i need my nap.

2005-11-04T20:47:00.000+08:00

was going thru my old photo albums and realised that i was really quite horrendously ugly just a few years back. the hair, the clothes, the moonface. the horrors! they just brought up buried memories of various stages of Me; some of which i am still not too pleased nor proud of. those times when i just wasn't too happy about my own life and who i was.

but right now, i can safely say that i cannot be more contented with Life. everynight after a long day in school, i thank God for what i am studying and the people i can serve. there is noone whom i'd rather be, and a constant deepseated joy has replaced sporadic moments of short-lived happiness.

can't get any better than this, really.

2005-11-01T00:06:00.000+08:00

been learning how to deal with the tricky affair of human dynamics lately. and i realise that Patience goes a long way. hopefully the prideful side of me will not flare up in the most undignified manner possible anytime soon.

the second week in my orthopedics posting and i have to say i ain't got a clue regarding the approach and important stuff to read up on. except that my obvious lack in anatomical knowledge has appalled even myself, let alone the impatient, brash, gregarious orthopedic surgeons who seem to expect us to know everything beforehand. (and i thought i was here to learn?) not to mention yet another doctor laughing in our faces when we naively proclaimed our desire to serve Mankind in our chosen profession.

"no future la you all. better go do something else now before it's too late."

"help people? GUFFAWS. snigger snigger"

it's amazing what the world can do to most people. the cliches, you know, jaded cynicism and giving up of silly utopian dreams for more realistic gains etc etc. but perhaps there are still some who choose to be fools in a world such as this - where business students are thought to be the smarter ones cos they will be earning the big bucks and playing golf while us doctors earn miserable paychecks for endless hours of cheap hard labour.

all i can say is a man who builds treasures for himself on this earth will never be able to add an ounce of worth to himself. if chasing money justifies your existence, then i shall step aside as you climb the social ladder.

fools are never understood and often mocked at, but at least they are a rarity.

**

anyway, weddings are coming up and i've got nothing to wear. why is black banned at a christian wedding? i don't get it. aren't we supposed to be less pantang.. i don't know.

it's been over a week since i last stepped into the gym. liberating, but also worrying at the same time. i'd hate to see my butt expanding to its former glory in the near future. but there's just this Inertia thing that's telling my legs not to move and opt for the easier workout of brain exercise instead. meaning the tonnes of reading up to do (about 4 hours worth every day) for this insane posting that starts from 8 and ends at 5 if i'm lucky.

e.g. i stood on my heels for the entire day today, only sitting down during lunchtime. my little toes are like german sausages now from all the edema.

i'm tired. but it's time to go and study.

2005-10-25T15:58:00.000+08:00

poddydelite

my dad bought the above sexy thing for me from the City of Angels and i have to say it is really pretty.

unfortunately, it might be wasted on me for although i'm a music lover, i'm not one to fawn over the latest and coolest electronic gizmos cos i feel (and am) stupid around them. and an mp3 player is not a necessity to me, unlike something like lipbalm for that matter.

i'm not an ingrate, and i thank my dad for this wonderful gift. but after surfing reviews on the nano, and hearing from my sister herself, this baby scratches darn easily. especially the sleek black one which i have, the scratches show especially easily. hence i haven't dared to remove the plastic cover as yet, and eagerly await the new cases to arrive or some free service from Mac to change the impossibly fragile screen.

on a sidenote, it's really amusing how owning an ipod immediately admits one into the elite circle of Mac lovers, as if elevated to a cult status. these ipod owners (mostly Mac die-hards) name their poddies and just about all their other Mac gadgets, and talk about them like parents chatting about their children/dog-owners fawning over their pets.

ah well, it's always good to be cool innit? yay i'm cool. (haha) and my dad is cool too, cos he actually bought Jack Johnson's latest album, saying that "it's very nice!". amazing.

one thing i love about my poddy : the sound quality. it's impeccable.

**

my appetite has gone way down since i've got this stupid flu. not because i'm not feeling hungry anymore (God forbid!), but cos everything just tastes like soaked tissue paper.

heck, i can't even taste my favorite peanut butter anymore! and i hold the jar in my hand, lusting after it longingly yet unable to take even a mouthful cos it's just bland goo in my mouth.

**

i'm going back to Alexandra for my orthopedics posting. how terribly exciting. hur hur.

2005-10-24T00:25:00.000+08:00

in a few hours time my dad will be back, and according to certain (reliable? unreliable?) sources he has gotten a smashing gift for me from the City of Angels.

well, i'll know soon. but even if it's just chocolates i'd be gleeful.

goodnight world. school starts tomorrow. and my next posting is STILL at Alexandra.

mixed feelings about that

nose runnin like a horse

2005-10-22T02:09:00.000+08:00

i feel godawful.

so this is what it's like to catch the flu - after months and months and months of being resilient to every single flu bug going around. guess i'm not immortal afterall.

for some reason i'm not even suspecting dengue, or -ahem- avian flu. cos i'm just optimistic like that.

the holidays are ending. but boy did i have fun.

2005-10-16T01:35:00.000+08:00

here's to the night :)

2005-10-15T03:33:00.000+08:00

my dad has just left for LA on a business trip.

and i just realised that i could have gone along cos i have a week-long holiday next week. yes the offer was made but i turned it down cos i didn't bother to check my timetable properly. again.

BAHHHHHH.

i should have taught him words like "abercrombie" and "hollister" before he left. too late. hopefully he'll buy lots of other stuff back and not useless things like touristy picture books of america.

god i sound like a bimbo.

men do look especially good when they're in their professional getup and all. my dad somehow appeared to be dashing, even, for the same reason.

the mandatory tribute.

2005-10-12T00:16:00.000+08:00

o how Time flies! (lamentation-mode alert)

16 weeks just passed me by like that. and i haven't attained certain goals yet like snagging a cute doc and quitting sch before it's too late e.g. proceeding into Year 4/ losing 15 kg/finding the cure for the common flu etc etc.

but one sure thing is, i found new friends in my group mates. people whom i never knew before and probably would have never gotten to know, if God didn't put His hand into things and plonked us all together.

pam, nesa, rags, weiliang and aikyong : despite some tension and confusion, you guys just prove that there is always so much more to a person than what we can see on the exterior. not that you are physically unattractive of course! au contraire. (pam : u're de hawt-ness)

i'd do a person-by-person tribute here, but you know me. :) to cut it short, i want you to be my friends and colleagues always.

and to my two lovely babes xuan and inky : here's to more great years with you. nothing else compares to the gems of friends i found in you two.

Alexandra Hospital has been one of the best things that have happened to me in a long long time. everything about it just puts a smile on me face. o Father, please let me work there next time!

ain't i a jolly bitch today. the hilarious end-of-posting test and har cheong gai has some connection to this euphoria i reckon.

useless post.. yet again!

2005-10-10T23:50:00.000+08:00

there will only be a few selected periods in my life when i wouldn't be religiously watching my diet, exercising most days of the week, or nag people around me to stop eating that old chang kee curry puff.

and since i reckon pregnancy will not come anytime soon, and no major exams are coming up, i relish in cutting myself slack during this time of involuntary hemorrhage. the past 3 days without a good run is making me a tad uneasy and jittery though.

ma you have got to stop buying skippy peanut butter with any form of swirls in them (chocolate, blueberry etc). cos i'd finish the entire bloody jar in 3 days flat. maybe we should just stick to plain ol margarine and sugar free jam.

can't get the movie Goal! out of my mind. it makes me heart go a-flutter as i reminisce late nights staying up to watch euro cup and world cup. no s-league please. le pathetique.

tomorrow's the final day of my surgery posting. the Test. and i shall prevail (fingers crossed).

useless entry. don't bother reading

2005-10-09T00:03:00.000+08:00

i am going to cry. my dad has been talking non-stop in his very loud voice on the phone for the past God knows how many hours and it's driving me crazy. i have no idea if it's cos i'm having my menses and hence extra irritable, or i've suddenly developed a hypersensitivity reaction to noise, or i'm a bitch whatever it is IT IS BLOODY IRRITATING!!!

yes i know it's emergency work and it's what bringing in the dough to pay for my studies but still. not blaming anybody but just feeling really helpless in the midst of this.

maybe it's his voice, that authoritative tone, the bossy attitude that brings up all the _____ memories and evoking that instinctive defensive averse reaction in me. ma i know you think this part is bullshit so don't bother chiding me for it.

anyway, no amount of music can block out this terrible frenzy of whipped-up emotions and pent-up frustrations in me. and it ain't helping that i can't study a single word of Browse due to the above external noxious stimuli. plus my aching pelvis that is unresponsive to the miracle drug they call panadol.

soundproof walls for xmas it is.

silent sigh

2005-10-05T01:03:00.000+08:00

these days have been filled with nothing but food, shopping and men.

(the last bit sounds weird innit. but sad to say it's only been a relentless conversation topic and no attainable catch is in sight. yet.)

i find myself getting more and more voracious in a very hedonistic sense. no amount of good food, nice clothes, and hot men (ha ha) can satisfy me. these things leave me with a hollow emptiness somehow - after all that's been said and done and i'm here sitting in front of my comp lookin like a real slob.

Introspective is not an adjective that i can use on myself very much lately. more often than not, i'm more concerned about when and where's my next dose of 'fun'. i want this i want that - i'm disgusted with myself.

and tired of the socializing activities. there's only so much of these i can take. since when did i talk so much to people i barely know? draining. and nothing but superficial crap at that.

worst of all, i hardly even talk to God now.

solitude is essential to existence as a human being. hence, holidays please come quick, before i lose myself in the crowd which doesn't really give a damn.

2005-10-01T22:35:00.000+08:00

i used to vehemently declare that i'll never date a doctor/medstudent cos they're just so... uncool. yeah well, i'm a medstudent too. so there

but now all i want for xmas is just a doctor in a nice package - tight buns, loose wallet (for my own consumption of course).

doctor = MO and above. i wish eh

would it be possible that in the end, i'll only have teachers and doctors as friends? that's highly likely actually.

2 more weeks before this enjoyable posting ends. darn, and we were just starting to get cosy with each other! hopefully there's more eye candy at the next posting.

it is by grace.

2005-09-25T22:37:00.000+08:00

Yet I am always with You
You hold me by my right hand
You guide me with your counsel
and afterward You will take me into glory

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You

My flesh and my heart may fail
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

psalm 73:23-26

2005-09-23T21:00:00.000+08:00

i'm so angry now that tears are just threatening to spill over any moment.

yet i will not cry.

because the source of rage and frustration is unknown, even to myself. and i can only lament in solitude whilst the rest of my world leaves me behind.

i must be doing something wrong somewhere. a permanent vacation is much needed.

note the number of references to myself in this very short post. i swear my biggest problem is just me.

2005-09-23T01:16:00.000+08:00

twas very disturbing to see a girl about my age just wasting away in the ward. not due to some incurable physical illness, but because of a paralysing condition of the mind. trapped in the fear of gaining weight, lest she gives in to her hunger and consumes a solid particle of food.

mind over matter, she declares to herself.

so begins the battle to stay thin - or get even thinner. traipsing up and down the ward relentlessly for hours, whilst doing repetitive arm exercises at the same time. in a bid to burn off any excess calories consumed in...water? or that mouthful of milk she was forced to down by her heartbroken (i safely assume) father.

i had no courage to talk to her, or tell her that everything's ok and that she doesn't have to do this to herself anymore. cos there is freedom just waiting for her around the corner, as long as she conquers the fear.

but what do i have to say to someone who's simply a more extreme example of what i'm struggling with? that i see familiar shadows of behaviour and warped determination in her - those which i only dare to let loose when in solitude, lest someone labels me as "mental".

"it is a constant battle to stay fit" - a poster tagline i saw in my previous gym.

perhaps we are really warring against the voices in our heads telling us day and night that a svelte figure is the only passport to acceptance as a human being in this society. this society, which we are all members struggling to survive in without being left behind like an outsider. yet we destroy each other like this, through passing superficial judgments on those less physically attractive and in the same process, suffer secretly in the immense fear of becoming just like one of them.

like what xx said, it's a tight slap in the face as we gape helplessly at the lonely figure of skin and bones, encaged in her own world where noone else can enter.

a personal resolution cannot be made at this point, but i am thoroughly sobered. and perhaps, will cut myself some slack this weekend.

2005-09-19T20:04:00.000+08:00

today has been.. well, trying.

but embarrassing should be the conclusion. cos i lost my temper way too many times and for the silliest reasons - ridiculously long hours of lectures & tutorials, minimal time for lunch, and bitchy nurse behaviour. also cussed loudly at everything and anything. no wonder the visitors of the hospital were staring at me in disbelief, wondering where did this doctor-to-be came from. a pirate ship probably. guess they don't want me to be their lokun next time anymore.

once watched an episode of Judging Amy and the mother of Amy had to go for an anger management class as she was told by her colleagues (she's a social worker) that she had a foul temper. the other people in the anger management class began to share about what made them angry. typical stuff like backstabbing colleagues, inconsiderate neighbours, the lack of female toilets around (ok that's my rant) etc etc. things we complain about daily.

but when the mother was called to share, she started to rant about what truly made her angry - children who are abused and raped by their own step-parents, homeless teenagers not given a chance to attend school, parents who divorce for selfish reasons and leave their children broken and lost. and of course, she did not end off without berating the rest of the people for their childish reasons for rage when there are more worthy causes to be pissed about. not petty little glitches in Life that are really inconsequential.

just puts things into perspective innit.

why am i only reminded of this sobering fact after my insane outbursts of crude anger the entire day? learning a lesson in one thing, but putting it into action is another. shall make anger management by divine intervention my sole aim for this week - and beyond.

much thanks to my group mates who understood and tried to calm me down. especially xx :)

2005-09-17T10:55:00.000+08:00

to my dearest auntie :

you are not an "idiot". some people may not appreciate you, but i think that you're the most generous, kindest and caring friend. and i believe that many others think the same way too.

you are who you are, loved by God and precious in His sight. noone can, and should, rob you of that. especially those who disappoint and let you down. hang in there. we are here for you.

2005-09-12T20:43:00.000+08:00

today was a rather defeating day. for some reason, all the tutors seemed to have synchronised their comments to that of "your batch is very lousy". the condescending tone, the exasperated sighs, the superiority complex.

despite not being targetted singularly, i still felt the crushing hollowness of not being up to standards - their standards, no less. the standards of doctors who are at least 30 years older than us and have seen and done it all. and me, a rookie with less than a year of clinical experience. a valid excuse? don't know really.

i've not been chagrined by teachers for a very long time now. the last time was probably in primary school, when my chinese teacher rebuked me for my less than perfect ting xie scores. and it's exceedingly sobering i must say.

anyway

looking forward to a midweek breather by watching Corpse Bride sneaks with auntie ilynn. i like to hang out with friends whom i've known for ages now. the comforting silence is an indulgence in a world where meaningless small talk and patronizing laughter are made way too often.

2005-09-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

have no idea how i made it home.

after a super long day in hospital (think 7 - 7), i was counting on my trusty bus 51 to bring me home zippity fast in like 20 mins. but hell no, some freak accident happened along telok blangah/pasir panjang junction and no less than 10 buses were trapped in that turning lane, forcing all the passengers to get off and find their own way home by some unknown means.

i remember being seriously agitated, and eventually crossing the perilous roads without stopping down to gawk at the accident scene like any other typical singaporean (which was terrible by the way - something like a TIBS bendy bus crashing into a construction area and another heavy vehicle colliding into the side of it). proceeded to walk all the way back to west coast crescent where i live, tottering on my heels.

couldn't hail a taxi in case you were wondering. cos following the accident junction is a one-way lane and since all the vehicles were trapped before that, no taxi could turn in.

anyway you have no idea how far it was. by bus, it takes at most 15 mins for me to reach home. but on foot, i took about an hour. and i was pretty fast already. can you imagine?? me walking alone thru the loooonnng stretch and perspiring like nobody's business. and the worst thing was to walk past haw par villa, cos that place gives me the creeps. tripped several times, officially killing my heels (time to get new pair), and also blistering me poor feet. not to mention the stupid street lights which went off for no good reason and made me feel like i'm traipsing through the tekong jungle.

oh god what a way to spend my friday night. to think i was just looking forward to spending it alone on the couch, watching tv and eating comfort food like icecream. at that moment upon arriving home, i wished someone was at home to listen to me whine about my misfortune.

o well, at least i had a bloody good workout from the walk. in all things i give thanks for He sustains me in moments like these.

2005-09-09T00:30:00.000+08:00

now what's with the media-obsession with weight loss these days?

i turn on channel 5 i see Villa Wellness (insanely entertaining btw. i approve). flip to channel 8 and there's this gameshow with rotund ladies competing to see who loses weight the fastest. then i pick up 8days and the frontpage is splashed with pictures of female celebs who are in the below-50 kg category. and not to mention olinda cho who is so damn petite now.

how come there are no more reports about anorexia, body-image disorders and health problems associated with crash diets already? now all we have are slimming ads, bust-enhancement ads, and plastic surgeons getting all the media exposure about their expertise in making people beautiful.

this is bad. as if girls these days are not under enough pressure from school and friends and family already, now we have to contend with impossibly female stars flaunting their stick-thin figures here there everywhere. jutting clavicles are the new accessories in vogue, baby.

so i admit. i am obsessed to a certain degree. counting calories, exercising almost everyday, regular weigh-ins - it's as if i'm the star of my own reality weightloss show. but my idea of utopia is certainly a world where females are allowed to have fleshy body parts and eat brownies & icecream whenever they want to without feeling sickeningly guilty moments later. and exercise is done only because it keeps one fit and healthy.

sadly this isn't the case. not when i have male friends (childish twits, no less) pointing out to me that i have a tummy and according to them, girls shouldn't have tummies. and girls should be "small and cute". i assume they're not referring to the boobs as well, cos guys being (stupid) guys, they'll want big boobies on a skinny frame, even if it is blatantly obvious that girls cannot lose weight without losing their mammary size.

perhaps guys prefer to date girls with bodies of 12 year olds these days? i wouldn't be surprised.
in any case, their opinions shouldn't even matter in the first place. cos it's not as if i expect them to look like allan wu, so they better shove their moronic comments up their arses.

anyway

i've half a mind to bitch like crazy about this issue but i rest my case. the thinny thin thin phase will probably stick around for some time and i'd still be caught in between getting swept away by the madness and sticking to my principles of exercising for the sake of health, and not to fit into size 27 jeans. in the meantime i will eat my greentea mooncake and run like a hamster on its wheel the next day.

**

after a hella long time, i've turned on my comments. cos i'm bored and also curious to see who's still reading this space, despite it being hopelessly boring already. so drop me a message if u will. hate messages are accepted too as long you leave your name.

2005-09-05T18:57:00.000+08:00

hella tired i am. and it's only monday.

tomorrow i am not going for grand ward rounds. even tho it means i won't be able to oogle at my eyecandy doc. this is a great sacrifice but it has to be made. i cannot wake up at unearthly hours of 6am anymore.

sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. sleep in, wake up leisurely, go for a run, and a loonnngg breakfast.

amen to that i say.

hopefully i will be able to get out of hospital by 2 pm too. wish me luck

2005-09-03T22:41:00.000+08:00

admittedly i was never the sort of person who'd pay much attention to the details in Life. more often than not, the big picture would be looming in me head and all i can perceive is the entirety of things, and solely focus on the main concept. meticulousness is clearly not my forte, hence the neverending complaints of momma towards the cleanliness of my room.

why did i end up studying medicine then? when the job scope requires the uncanny ability to memorise alien-sounding terms and nittygritty facts & figures of exotic diseases and watnot. i wonder how can i survive when all i can see is whether the patient is doing well in the general sense or not. God help me that i will not forget stuff when i study emergency medicine, lest the lawyers come chasing after me head.

also, i wonder why i never got down to setting certain things right. for example, my crooked teeth. why didn't i get braces? and now extreme makeover successes with shining white veneers taunt me to no end. why did i quit swimming lessons? hence i only know how to swim the breaststroke. and my longneglected driving lessons. why haven't i called up the driving instructor? and i still have to take 2 buses to get to church when i can easily drive there (if i could) in 15 mins.

you know, the stuff that are not lifechanging decisions yet which are absolutely important - but all i did was to fancy the notions of starting on these projects transiently and soon moved on quickly. when the entire world was getting down to doing such things i was still somewhere in oompa loompa land doing God knows what.

i seem to live by a just-cannot-be-bothered attitude since diaper days. like momma would plonk me (when i was a baby) on a chair whilst she does the laundry , and hours later she'd find me still sitting there, playing with my fingers or something.

guess i'm just a very lazy kid.

so it puzzles me why my friends describe me as a go-getter who is focussed on getting what i want in Life in friendster testimonials. perhaps i set goals in my unconscious being, and attain them unwittingly. but truth to be told, i was never a conscious planner with kickass determination to boot. like those rafflesian-type of people who probably laid down the milestones to be achieved in their lifetimes when they were still in primary one.

so what drives me? and how did i get to where i am now?

such is the mystery of God's grace.

Miss Pee-Alot

2005-09-01T20:52:00.000+08:00

it's the Superstar finals tonight. i have to say i haven't caught a single episode of it, and intend to continue doing so despite my momma's claims about how wonderful the visually-impaired guy is singing. watching such shows makes me feel stupid so i guess i'll pass. (not that people who watch it are stupid of course, it's just me la.)

i'm more interested in his eye pathology tho. Congenital Amaurosis you say? the second word sounds vaguely familiar.

surgery days have been passing real slowly and i wonder why. but enjoyable nevertheless. free apples in the clinics, nice doctors who are ever so willing to teach, and hilarious RA jokes made in the OT (by the surgeons themselves, no less. "sterile strip" HAHAHA).

but there's just this restlessness running thru me veins. like i'm anticipating for some action. well, perhaps i could start with the stupid case write-up. and try to set a plug next week or smth.

it's friday soon. again. weekend jitters are bugging me. can i just hibernate and hide away in the safety of my home and family. seems like i've been consistently turning down meet-ups with friends, only because i'm just too weary to talk about the usual stuff - how have you been, what's up with hospital, any problems with school, where's your love life etc etc. hence, i've been a hermit for the longest time ever, and i'm not ashamed of it.

besides, there is absolutely no incentive to go out when all i do is spend money on unhealthy food and miss my favorite tv shows. like the upcoming jap drama featuring Takuya Kimura (a close second to Depp my love).

momma always says that i'm an easy kid to bring up. just give me food, a bed, tv and treadmill and i'm happily satisfied with Life. not alot to ask for, isn't it.

sometimes i wonder what will happen to me if my parents pass away and my sister marries (she'll definitely marry that's fer sure). whom shall i cling on to for dear life then?

2005-08-29T00:43:00.000+08:00

today was a pretty cool day (since when have i degraded to inane posts of my daily activities? never mind). the highlight was volunteering to be part of the magic show put up by my senior pastor and making a fool out of myself in front of a few thousand people in the suntec convention hall. but it was good fun and he even gave me a bent metal spoon as a souvenir (the spoon was part of a magic trick). really thrilling cos it's like johnny depp giving me his coffee cup or something. i felt like a starry-eyed groupie.

and oh, got a new bag. shopping whore i am. hoho

after watching the last episode of the jap ER drama, i realise that my previous post was totally idiotic. what happened to my brains when i was typing it? you see, the last episode was about two-thirds of the ER staff falling sick with gastroenteritis, leaving a few doctors and nurses to man the place, which was packed with victims of a devastating earthquake in tokyo. each of them had to work 22 hour shifts and yet they pushed on relentlessly without giving up hope... blah blah you know the works. as cliche as it sounds, it didn't fail to inspire me yet again to be more dedicated towards my future career. like, be more self-sacrificing and treasure this opportunity to serve others in need.

o wells, shopping isn't everything right. as long as i shop once a year in bangkok is enough. the rest of the year i'll just work my ass off eh. work so much can lose weight also.

they should show more of such dramas on sunday nights. then people can watch and be inspired, and be ready to face the new week ahead. now they're gonna show i've got a date with a vampire and i've no idea how that can possibly inspire anyone. bah

2005-08-27T21:03:00.000+08:00

i stare at my gigantic surgery textbook and somehow it just doesn't do it for me. no come-hither beckoning, no crazy urge to pore thru the words, no nothing.

surgery's no fun for me. don't like it much, and it's hella boring standing in the OT for 3 hours without knowing what's going on! and not much of a view anyway. a glimpse of the liver, if i'm lucky. mostly it's just the smell of burning flesh that's really nauseating, and chunks of excised bloody mesenteric fat being dumped into kidney dishes. the former is especially intolerable, worse than the nostril-eroding formaldehyde during cadaver exploring days back in year 1.

seems like i won't be a surgeon in training anytime soon. been having sweet dreams of opening my own clinic with the girlies, serving a tai tai clientele and working 4-hour shifts everyday.

yay. i'm an ambitionless airhead doctor-to-be. o the shame. such a disgrace is me.

but after 5 years of obligated duties in the hospital in the very near future, i believe any great ambition of serving the public in a major hospital would be tossed out of the window in no time. give me my sleep time, holiday time, family time. most importantly, my shopping time. i see how the resident MO in AH slogs day and night, not being able to go home even to have a change of clothes is enough to convince me that a highflying career is really not everything.

sad, i know. but leave the nation-defending tasks to the men, while we ladies cover the homeground. we're more popular as GPs anyway.

tomorrow's granny visiting day! can't wait to chow on her fried noodles, pan fried cod fish, and fried glutinous rice sausage thingies. all things fried are good for you.

2005-08-24T23:34:00.000+08:00

twas a mistake to attempt running today. 15 mins into the run, the horrendous cramps began. not the pms-ey type, but something i've never experienced before. it was as if the whole length of my intestines (stretching from changi to jurong) decided to expand and contract in a synchronised and exaggerated fashion. i tried to negotiate with my gut to allow me to finish at least 30 mins so that i can burn off some fats put on by the pms binges. but nay, my gut has a mind of its own and responded rather spitefully by increasing the frequency of the attacks.

so i hurriedly slammed the STOP button and ran to the toilet. 8 hours has passed since then and i've gone to the loo for about 10 times already.

now my knees feel like jello and my tummy like a rock. sometimes i really don't understand my colon at all.

**

mandy u were born in alexandra too??!! oh my u're the only friend that i know with the same pedigree as me.

2005-08-22T15:08:00.000+08:00

i know i am going to enjoy my surgery posting at Alexandra Hospital, cos God has so graciously blessed us with a wonderful tutor (the head of the department, no less) . also, the hospital compounds are charming, complete with resort-style buildings, beautiful gardens, cheerily-painted walls and open-concept toilets which are so very night safari.

to think 21 years ago, i was born there. i must be a rare breed indeed.

things are looking up, finally. may peace reign from now on.

2005-08-20T23:31:00.000+08:00

it's one thing to be occupied with your new life, new friends, new responsibilities.

but it's another to take what you had for granted.

i'm standing here, feeling very hurt. not only because you don't bother to acknowledge me and my life anymore, but also that you are not even civil to me.

i don't mind just listening to you rant about the happenings in your life, cos at least u're talking to me.

the thing is, that doesn't even happen much these days.

i know to you i'm just a mean sister, who is excruciatingly demanding and unreasonable, someone u'd dispense your generosity to. but when i come into your room and sit quietly on your bed my intention was just to find out how you are. and you don't even give it a chance for conversation to flow. instead you cut it all short with a ridiculous outburst that led me to cuss and that probably just proved your point once again - that i'm just a uncouth bitch who can't express herself as eloquently except to cuss.

you have all of my blessings to go, move on and experience all that life has to offer you now. however, i am dying down here plagued by all my troubles and deepest anxieties that i can't seem to tell anyone but you.

but you'd probably think i'm making a mountain out of a molehill anyway. drama queen.

sick of it all. shall take my leave now and let you lead your life. goodbye

2005-08-18T20:40:00.000+08:00

been running so much these days i wonder why haven't i lost like 20 kg already. but the scales only show a miserable 2 kg decrement. after reading ruien's (ridiculous) slimming success on Urban, my eyes turned emerald green with envy and i foamed at the mouth like a rabid dog.

she doesn't exercise one bit and lost 7 bloody kg?! and how the hell does she survive on liquid replacement meals for weeks?! wouldn't that cause chronic hypoglycemia. maybe that's why she looks demented these days. impaired cognitive function.

such a bimbotic mere mortal i am. 4 months of rigorous exercise 4 times a week have left me with nothing but slightly trimmer legs (which weren't very flabby to begin with) and slightly visible deltoid contours. and my boobies are gone while the tummy's still sticking all the way out to johore bahru. at least i have a low chance of breast cancer now.

but who cares! i wanna be a skinny bitch like nicole ritchie!

bah it's so unfair. i'm surrounded by frens who chow on bread & butter / ben&jerry's / chicken rice everyday and are still slimmer than me.

maybe i should get my stomach stapled to the size of a raisin.

anyway my migraine's killing me. practising 200 over mcqs in 2 days is sheer madness. at least it's suppressing my appetite a little.

2005-08-18T00:14:00.000+08:00

there are times when i dwell all day upon thoughts that are seemingly foolish in the eyes of my God, but i do nothing to get out of them anyway. wasting my time, or rather my life, on these 'unproductive' and 'rebellious' moods despite knowing that recovery is just a bible verse away is like an addiction. you know it's bad for you, yet it feels so good.

not that it literally feels good to be chronically shunning myself away from people and numbing my senses, emotions, the lot. i just need to be like this for now. cannot bring myself to live out higher pedestals of theologies or philosophies, like thou shalt not harden your heart in rebellion when thou hear God's voice this day.

a mere mortal with a humanly forgetful and ungrateful nature, is what i prefer to be right now.

my sisters in christ have warned me, that if i prolong my unwillingness to get back on track with my faith, something devastating will probably happen. not as a punishment from God of course, but as a consequence of my own actions. then it'll be my wakeup call. or a turning point in my life. or watever.

somehow i anticipate that. like a "show me what You've got then! i'm here so give it to me!" kind of moronic imbecile attitude towards authority. typical teenage behavior.

am i crying out for attention towards the heavens? maybe. in the meantime, i'll label it as pre-menstrual blues.

such a horrigible person, i am.

ouch.

2005-08-15T18:47:00.000+08:00

so the test came and went, and it was the grandmother of all disasters.

sgh wards are unbearably stuffy and so i perspired like a hog, while trying to pick up signs which were non-existent and organize my findings into a proper summary at the end of it all. it proved to be too much for my puny peabrain and out spewed from my mouth gibberish garble which really didn't make much sense at all. (e.g. left lower lung consolidation with a trachea deviated to the right - %$#@!)

no wonder at the end of the 2 short cases, this is wat the (mean) doctor said to me.

"you didn't do too well, better get a hold of urself and clerk ur long case properly."

uhh okay. i sorta accepted my pre-eminent failure already. so the only bright spark of the day was getting a diabetic patient for my long case and i did mug on diabetes, hence it wasn't that bad. but guess what the (poker-faced) doctor retorted after my presentation?

"you know wat, you failed your first case. coming from tan tock seng, it's a disgrace that you forgot so many steps for respiratory exam. you did terribly. i'm going to give you a second chance and let you do another short case."

i wonder if i was lucky in that sense, but i certainly did not appreciate having to do yet another short case (which i suck bigtime in). fortunately, the case went along okay and there weren't many hiccups. then at the end of it all, the (freaky) doctor banished me with a simple "okay you can leave now" and a nonchalant wave of his hand.

have no idea if i passed in the end or not.

very disturbing and traumatizing test.

extremely guai lan tester.

but i'm hella glad it's all over and i'll probably get to repeat General Medicine posting again, which i don't really mind. and i got a super horrible tester at my first test! now nothing can faze me i tell you.

so tired. my brain will be dead for the next 48 hours. goodbye

2005-08-13T22:39:00.000+08:00

my cell leader asked me what's my greatest Fear.

"People," i said.

2005-08-13T00:13:00.000+08:00

my end-of-posting test is next monday and all i can think of are the million things i wanna buy. well, if i'm going to flunk the test, i might as well flunk it in style. and there is absolutely no reason for anyone to look dowdy even if exams are in full swing. or rather, there is no reason to look dowdy at all, for that matter.

since year 2 of medicine, a strange sense of deepseated calm befalls upon me during every exam/test period. doesn't matter how much i've (or rather, have not) studied, this inexplicable excitement just fills me up from me toes to me head and propels me to go thru the exams with great joy. cos afterwhich i can finally taste freedom and go completely bonkeroos with hedonistic pleasures.

perhaps the trick is Confidence. blind confidence, in that sense, when u don't give no hoot about ur actual ability and just believe that you can do it. and then the battle's half-won. and sometimes, tests are quite fun actually. especially when u don't skim thru the paper and realise that u can't answer like 90% of the questions, then u can kick back and relac one korner. u knoe, just take ur time and enjoy analysing & guessing each question.

hella tired time to sleep.

2005-08-10T00:41:00.000+08:00

the NDP parade was, no doubt, excruciatingly lousy in my opinion.

doctors wear polo tees to hospital during a national holiday.

the associate dean will prob see me very soon again.

corn soup and brown rice make me fart alot.

goodnite!

2005-08-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

after a week of pure sloth, self-pity and useless wallowing in useless emotions, it is time to face the world again.

i swear it must be the inspiring ER jap drama (catch it every sun nite 11 pm ch 8 - love this series). i actually look forward to going back to the hospital tomorrow and talk to the patients. even tho i am going back alone, the time is much to be treasured.

perhaps the best cure for the 'depression' one experiences as if the whole world is caving in is just to give more of yourself away to people who need the extra attention. then the very self-important problems will seem to be really negligible in the end.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."
(2 Corinthians 4:16-17)

boy am i glad to be finally out of this shithole i've been floundering in for way too long. a stroke of inspiration was all it took.

2005-08-06T23:14:00.000+08:00

i am falling into oblivion.

and nobody is there to catch me.

velvet skies

2005-08-06T12:15:00.000+08:00

these days, i don't even know myself very well anymore. one moment i'm deliriously happy ladida, the other i'm a ballistic stark-raving mad psycho, while most of the time i'm just stuck in emotional grey-zone. like the Living Dead.

and i'm kinda tired of myself.

well, since they say ur playlist reveals a lot more of who you are (sometimes more than you would like). so wat do my recent song choices say about my state of mind now?

Los Lonely Boys
Scissor Sisters
David Tao
Lisa Ono
J-Lo
(and i'm tired of listing already, as if i'm trying to prove anything. bah)

Scissor Sisters, by the way, is a gorgeous band. and they're relatively new, so u can jump onto the bandwagon now. Los LonelyBoys is so heart-wrenchingly sunshiney feelgood i can only dream of being the senorita they're serenading to.

and also on a completely different note, please try to catch Mysterious Skin if you're already 21 years old cos we need a mind-jolting, nerve-numbing, conscience-strickening (is there such a word?) film once in a while. to remind us of how completely beastly humans can be. and the fact that we can easily sink into such depths of inhumanity if we're not careful.

finally i have to say this : i cannot stand the recent bumper crop of sensitive male souls crooning sensitive lovelorn songs. insipid lyrics like "you're beautiful it's true.. " (repeat 10000 times) are driving me crazy. where's your manhood! grow up and be more macho already.

which is the exact reason why i detested John Mayer. Your Body is a Wonderland??!! EEWW. good grief, even Boy George and Elton John combined have more testosterone than these boys.

no offense to those who adore them tho. it's just me, being absolutely disappointed with the lack of masculinity in the other gender.

sometimes i fantasize bout a caveman who wields a huge club in one hand and drags me by the locks in the other. someone who grunts more than he speaks, and takes care of me in a silent, behind-the-scenes kind of way rather than asking me if i am okay how i am doing ALL the time. a real man who spends more time out there doing his own thing than trotting about in the house kay-pohing and nagging.

guys just talk way too much these days.

2005-08-04T03:21:00.000+08:00

willy wonka was unsurprisingly wonderful, but that wasn't wat i wanted to talk about.

before the movie, i had a bad tiff with my sister.

it had something to do with unfulfilled expectations, wrong timings, and a bad case of maladjustments.

so after a fierce exchange of harsh words peppered with a generous dose of spite later, it ended with a brief silence and just like every other quarrel we had in the past, the air cleared almost instantaneously, as if nothing had happened before that.

but i know it wasn't really the same as before.

i still have much left unsaid, that i am unable to express. but the glaring fact is now more obvious than ever - i have to wean off my emotional dependence on my sister.

like veruca salt, i am a bad nut. and my sister was probably right in saying that i am just mean to every single human being. so this time, i will try to be nice, for once, and stop demanding so much from her. stop expecting her to do the right thing at the right time. lest i break her skinny bones with my incessant lamenting and cursing about how Life is screwing me up the past few weeks.

not feeling the most dandiest, but at least for now i have a resolution.

2005-08-03T11:22:00.000+08:00

charlie and the chocolate factory sneaks tonight and i am going!

can u imagine, i've been ranting about this movie since last year and now i'm finally going to catch it. jolly jolly johnny johnny depppp

yesterday's associate dean fiasco turned out to be quite pleasant. the associate dean was a genuinely nice old man who offered us soya bean drinks to "revitalise ourselves", as put in his words. how cute. and he promised to "take care of everything for us, just a small thing not to worry". awwww

i like grandfatherly old men. they inspire me to become a grandfatherly person next time too.

so blessed is me. but still, i've yet another tutorial by that a**hole (according to my friends) of a professor later. it's okay, i'm ready for some tekaning and insults. nothing can mess up my mood today, unless i break my heel or something.

last night i dreamt that i owned a huge sloppy smelly german shepherd and i was strangely exhilarated with the creature. how abominable. how barbaric.

2005-08-02T11:03:00.000+08:00

my past few entries must have made you believe that i'm an angry little kid, hurling bricks at the heaven and spitting on the ground or something. well, it's not that far from the truth, but still keeping things in perspective.

everything must have happened in preparation for this morning's Mother of all Disasters - i am scheduled to go down to associate dean's office to meet some bigshot honcho cos i skipped all of ONE tutorial last week, due to my distressing menstrual cramps. haha and u wonder what else could go wrong eh.

a mini panic attack coupled with dark chocolates and a (giant) Cornetto ensues, then compulsive smsing xuannie, inky and auntie ilynn (and hence receiving much-appreciated encouragements), and a pep talk with myself, i am feelin much much better.

afterall, i am well-trained in enduring such interrogation since secondary school. try 6 hours with the DM.

i just hope that it wouldn't rain on me later. o well, then all the shit that has been happening will morph into One Big Joke and then... MADNESS! haha.

"Fear thou not, for I am with thee
be not dismayed, for I am thy God
I will strengthen thee ; yea, I will help thee
yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness"

indeed, the Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall i be afraid?

even if Life is fond of screwing me up, it can't kill me innit.

do NOT link my blog, i'm warning you

2005-07-31T00:38:00.000+08:00

i repeat myself again

I LOATHE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW ME VERY DAMN WELL. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DEMAND ANY EMOTIONAL OBLIGATIONS FROM ME.

fuck i really detest the whole cycle of having to run away and hide from people who expect me to explain myself to them every single time i do something if not they'll assume a ridiculous GUAI LAN attitude, as if i owe them bigtime.

do u know how bloody guilty i am when i just run away and pretend that i never knew you, or when i deliberately put on a i'm-in-a-foul-mood-leave-me-alone demeanour just so that you will stay away? why do such "friendships" (or so i hoped) always end up in a silly ownership game?

i fuckin hate to be owned. noone can own me like that, u hear me. don't go thinking that i am just a little girl who can be told what to do and will listen. i don give a pigeon's shit about your advice.

from all my previous relationships till now, seems like nothing has changed. and i am sick and tired of this. platonic friendships between the 2 genders is a farce thru and thru, and it ain't my fault that they end up the way they are all the time. i don't care i'm going to stop trying to be civil. enough is enough.

so damn sad.

2005-07-28T18:27:00.000+08:00

there are only about 10 people whom i really need to be in my life.

if you think about it, that's a really small social circle. and it has recently just shrunk to a miniscule size, after my sis moves out into hall (and i'll prob only see her on saturdays during service), and my unwillingness to make a deliberate effort to contact the other close friends to meet up catch up watever.

despite being a semi social recluse, i can't help but feel a twinge of loneliness and an evil voice telling me what a loser i am. having only a few close friends to hang out with, and no spectacular plans for friday nights.

what a chore it is, to shut out loneliness. loneliness is a stealthy thing. it creeps up on u when u're least prepared for it, and crumbles your self-confidence and security to nothingness in a matter of seconds.

but the good news is loneliness is not only something one must get used to, but it probably should be much treasured and perceived in a better light. afterall, nobody can be around for you forever, and you'll have to lie in a coffin all by urself in the end anyway.

so it's time to make friends with the real you. it's easy to lose yourself when in company of others, which is terrible. and i need to sit down and have a good chat with Me, for once.

2005-07-26T18:08:00.000+08:00

i hate it when i don't get to eat my favorite cai fan from my favorite cai fan stall. i hate it when cai fan vendors are so stingy with their vegetables and dump a mountain of rice on my plate to pretend that they're giving me alot.

and so now i have lost my appetite, just staring at that abominable packet of rice with garnishings masquerading as side dishes. appalling stuff.

not blaming anyone for this. i'm just insane with an unknown rage.

2005-07-25T20:21:00.000+08:00

Help the aged
one time they were just like you
drinking, smoking cigs and sniffing glue.
Help the aged
don't just put them in a home
can't have much fun in there all on their own

Give a hand, if you can, try and help them to unwind
Give them hope & give them comfort 'cos they're running out of time

In the meantime we try
Try to forget that nothing lasts forever
No big deal so give us all a feel
Funny how it all falls away

When did you first realise?
It's time you took an older lover baby
Teach you stuff although he's looking rough
Funny how it all falls away

Help the aged 'cos one day you'll be older too
you might need someone who can pull you through
& if you look very hard behind the lines upon their face
you may see where you are headed and it's such a lonely place

You can dye your hair but it's the one thing you can't change
Can't run away from yourself, yourself
Funny how it all falls away
So help the aged.

-Help the Aged, Pulp

tomorrow i am going to help the aged. hopefully it'll take my burdened and confused mind off its wanderlusts and compulsive obsessive thoughts.

when will i ever learn? that things don't work out the way i want them to for 99% of the time? i should have learnt. now i will not yearn anymore. for i no longer know what my heart truly desires. it's all a little sad, really.

anyway i love the song. reminds me of how auntie mandy and i made fun of the lead singer's name - Jarvis Cocker.

2005-07-24T01:43:00.000+08:00

for a week before the time of the month, i morph into an incorrigible man-basher who spews caustic bitter remarks about every single guy that comes along and glare at them with disgust for no good reason. my faith in the other gender drops to sub-zero and they are all nameless faceless heartless charmless useless morons till my chaotic hormones settle to their benign state.

can't help it. they deserve it anyway. and i deserve to be hated by them too.

sunday nights are the worst. tho it ain't even sunday mornin yet i can sense it in me bones already, that i'll be wallowing in my misery and groaning bout sch the next day.

hate it hate it hate it RARRRR

2005-07-21T20:35:00.000+08:00

i am very stressed.

the seemingly unattainable demands of my future career and doctor tutors are gobbling up my very last shred of confidence, leaving me dumbfounded and unsure of what my next step is to be. it's probably easier to ignore their harsh words (which mean well, of course) and choose to expect less of myself since the new system allows us to get away with a lot more than before. but knowing me, i'd rather fail as i strive to my very best than scrape thru with mediocre effort.

some say that this is a marathon, not a sprint. but i realise that this is a sprint, just a very long one. and my steps are to be quickened and my running technique, to be honed with intelligence, to ensure that my very last breath will be at the finish line.

everyone's gotta find their way to survive the medical world. so much is expected of us, yet so little practical guidance is offered. i need a change of strategy and attitude, find my way, and walk that path with all other cares behind me.

but for now, i must rest. had it with incomprehensible indian accents and smart-alecks who are too damn smart (and cut-throat) for their own damn good.

God help me. i cannot, but You can.

raaahh!

2005-07-20T00:48:00.000+08:00

if anyone dare say that i wasn't productive enough today (yes, even my over-zealous subgroup mates), i'll wallop him/her into a messy bloody pulp.

i've redefined productive. productive i am, indeed. never have i completed so many activities in one day before. every hour was spent doing something constructive, even toilet time.

more busy days to come! then weekends i will retreat into my hermit hole and go into hibernation.

always and never

2005-07-16T12:34:00.000+08:00

Sin City was (unsurprisingly), sinfully good. sure, the gore and artistic cinematography arrested my senses, but twas the gorgeous dialogues that make me wanna wax lyrical about this flick for the next few days. made me think quite abit after watching it, cos the twisted philosophies underlying the entire film are impossible to ignore.

but it's expected if u watch a movie with fellow countrymen u're bound to get some idiots here and there in the theatre. and so right beside me was this bunch of twits who did nothing but chatter inane garble for a good 3/4 of the entire film and declared (with very poor diction, no less) in a huff at the end "it's the worst movie i've ever watched ah!"

please. if you don't even bother to sit still and watch what the film has to offer for even 10 minutes, or can't understand a single word of the poetic dialogues, do stick to easy to comprehend movies like Initial D where there's only action and no talk. then maybe you wouldn't be so pissed and we wouldn't be so riled.

i respect ah bengs and ah lians. but not when they display their idiocies like watching any damn movie just cos it sounds vellie kewl ah! Sin City ah! gort hot babes like jessica alba ah!

BAH.

2005-07-15T18:32:00.000+08:00

tis the weekend again. this past week has gone by in a blur, save for a few notable highlights for example my first attempt at drawing blood (yah, suaku i know. some pple have done it like 5 million times), despite one of my attempts being a much tortuous one (both for me and the ah ma), as i had to search for the course of the vein with the needle stuck in her forearm for a good 5 mins before finally seeing flashback. -cold sweat-

thank God for kind MOs and consultants who displayed much appreciated patience towards us ignorant shrimps, and thus saving us from floundering in helplessness in the wards. angels, they are.

ironically, i'm watching Sin City tonight, which is supposed to be filled with gore, sex, blood - sinful, no less. but the visual effects are gorgeous and i can't miss out on anything like that. tomorrow will be art museum-visiting day! can't wait.

david tao's song is making me weep. seems like it doesn't take much to stimulate my lacrimal glands these days.

2005-07-12T00:25:00.000+08:00

funny how you desire something so much that u burn with passion for it, and think about it relentlessly night and day. then when u finally get the elusive prize, u suddenly realise that it doesn't mean anything anymore. or that it's not what you really want.

amazing how a simple message has revealed my heart towards God more than ever - in a deeper, more painful and raw-er (if there is such a word) way. my true desires lie not in a temporary embrace or sweet-nothings that will be forgotten with time; but within a safe haven where true joys abound, and where my real needs are met.

my heart, i know, will forever be a lonely hunter unless it finds rest in what is Eternal. and i thank God that He is preparing me for my destiny thru this. and that He really cares.

**

indeed, His way and thoughts are higher than mine, and the way He shows His love is something i can never fully comprehend - unless i wait patiently and watch what happens.

it could be a heartwrenching process you're going thru now, but take heart, cos the Lord only disciplines those whom He loves. and moulding is essential to fulfill the purpose you were made for - His glory.

2005-07-10T00:30:00.000+08:00

me, my sis and i.

my childhood was good. i had a sister to play with all the time, and that was pretty much enough.

fortunately, things haven't changed much over the years. :)

2005-07-07T20:55:00.000+08:00

i've never been so elated in a long long time. just when i wanted to post a dreary entry bout how busy my week has been and how weary i am from all the frantic clerking of patients and late-night studying of thick textbooks, an unexpected friendster message from someone unexpected just dropped from the heavens like a magical shower of blessing, leaving me tingly all over.

now, i'm stuck in between a mood to celebrate and a weird motivation to study even harder. well, i suppose i can study with joy as a from of praise to my wonderful Father, who knows my deepest thoughts and gives me all good gifts.

thank you Lord, You will always be first in my life, no matter what happens.

and oh, genki sushi and dessert (my treat!) with auntie ilynn tmr. i love weekends

2005-07-04T18:36:00.000+08:00

the world is constantly searching for answers to questions conjured up by our inexplicable curiosity towards everything.

my question to the inquisitive beings is : do you really need to know so much?

the truth is often ugly, temporary and pointless. it does not neccesarily bring a change to the current situation, nor does it prove a point. the truth is, we're all just seeking for some sort of self-justification, in our attempt to uncover what is hidden and secret.

ignorance is truly bliss. as long as one can answer to his/her own conscience and find peace in existence, it is alright not to lay all the facts bare on the table and analyse them so painstakingly.

nothing is constant, especially so for the fabled "truth" that we're so desperately chasing after. hence, perhaps it's better not to want control over all matters in Life, since it is clearly impossible.

living would be much easier and happier, simply by choosing not to know.

2005-07-02T19:52:00.000+08:00

all i can is that i'm so glad for the weekend, despite it being a very short 2-day respite.

the behavior of certain people are unbelievable. they wear me out till my patience becomes tissue-thin and i've just about had it. contending with the idiosyncrasies (or rather, idiocies) of others is more demanding than the workload i have to handle.

if only, i can be left alone sometimes, without having to explain myself to anyone who wants to know so much, they end up robbing me. i cannot give in anymore. and some people have to learn to stop thinking that the world revolves around them. better still, please learn how to be independent.

don't ask me if i'm referring to you or whatever nonsense. if you feel indignant, then maybe you're guilty of the above. it is your problem, not mine.

**
with that said and done, i will move on and learn how to stay firm. how to focus on God instead of people. how to do and say what is right. this is my portion, and i thank God for it. even though letting go is really sometimes, quite a pain in the ass, it is quite necessary.